Just Us...

It's time for back to school. It's often hard to believe how time flies right on by whether you are ready or not. 

This year my baby girl will already be a kindergartener. I absolutely loved being at the same school last year and it'll be even more special this year. We will be in the same hall and get to see each other often throughout the day. She already thought she was the queen of the school last year so I'm sure that won't change a bit. I promise she knows all the teachers with the best snacks and treasure boxes and she makes her rounds often. It's the last time I'll share a school with one of my kids, so I plan to soak it all in. She's excited and I'm excited for her. This is such an important year as she and her teacher continue to build that foundation for reading success. I just know she will grow and mature so much too. Kaydence is the messiest little diva you'll ever meet. You can find her digging for bugs in the dirt while wearing high heels and a tutu, with uncombed, wild hair. That's just her nature and I wouldn't change a thing. She told me this week she's going to be a zookeeper and I told her I hope she doesn't get eaten by a tiger! "Uhhh mom, they won't eat the zookeeper. That's who feeds them." Silly me to concern myself with something so trivial. She has the mouth of a teenager (sometimes a sailor) and often says things that leave my jaw on the floor, even though I shouldn't even be surprised anymore. She literally doesn't have a filter. But what she lacks in politeness, she makes up for with the most genuine love and hugs you'll ever receive. One of the first things I ever said about Kaydence is she's sugar and spice. This remains true. 

My favorite dude in the world is going to be a 3rd grader. That blows my mind. He's growing up on me and even though the snuggles and hugs are less, I continue to be his safe place. When he's scared, frustrated, sad, or tired, he still comes to momma. He's always been a momma's boy and I sure hope that never changes. He loves to be outside and on the move. If you can't find him watching Sandlot in the middle of his million stuffies or searching YouTube for a new "walk up" song, I guarantee he's outside throwing a baseball, shooting hoops, or tossing the football with his buddy. He tells me he wants to be a dentist. The kid I have to threaten to brush his teeth. Mommas, does this ever change with boys? Anyway, at this rate, he should be very familiar with a dental office. Lol. Abram's smart enough to be whatever he wants to be with his little elephant memory. So here we go with cursive and multiplication facts when I feel like yesterday was diapers and learning his colors. Slow down baby boy, my head is spinning trying to catch up to how far we've come. 

My girl, my broke bestie, is going to be a Sophomore. That doesn't seem possible. I told someone this week that my default answer for her this summer has been yes. Yes you can go swimming with friends. Yes you can have another sleepover. Yes you can stay up all night and sleep all day. Because the truth is, this was her last summer to just be a kid. She will start driving this fall and next summer will begin the responsibility of having a job. We all know life moves quick from here. But what a privilege it is to have a teenager that I can continue to say yes to. She is not perfect and I still have to check that attitude from time to time, but overall, she's such a respectful and responsible young lady. Her beauty really shines inside and out. I am so looking forward to this year for her, and for me to have a personal chauffeur whenever I want it.  She made it through the trenches of that freshman year and will move into this one with more confidence and hightened survival skills. I am so grateful for the open communication we've built moving into this next phase. I really feel like it's the most essential piece to raising a teen. We are learning and growing together at every turn. I love my tender hearted Sav, Savy, Neena, Neena Bobina, Savannah! 

Me...well, I'm starting my 20th year in the classroom. It physically brings tears to my eyes to think of all the kiddos and families I've been blessed to know along the way.

 The last couple years have felt difficult on a personal level and my focus has seemingly been primarily on raising my kids. But what I'm realizing is in the quiet moments in between, I've been in a season of growth. Tucked away in my cocoon, doing the hard work. I'm learning that maybe at 43 I'm the most confident version of myself that I've ever been. I look at what I've built and I feel so proud of me. So thankful for my little life. I walk my path, with peace, knowing I chose the right one and being filled by the beauty of it all. 

Here's to the next chapter. May it be full of growth and love for us all. 🫶🏼💜💙❤️

Little "Red" School

Where do I even begin? You've spent a decade helping me raise my babies. You were there for my very first foster placement and every one that followed. You've loved and supported me through all the beautiful and messy parts. You've all been there to see us become a forever family and along the way you became a part of our little family too. 

You've been there for all my Mother's Days, sending home the most thoughtful gifts that will stay tucked away safely so I can remember them little, just how you always will. 

 I've trusted you day after day to love my babies and keep them safe. You've been there from diapers to potty training and terrible tantrums to a beautifully developed vocabulary.  You've been nothing short of amazing! 

Ashley, I don't think I would have made it without some of our lengthy office visits. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there when I needed an ear. Your frienship means the world to me. 

Ms.Nita, I can't think of a more precious soul to have loved on my baby boy. You were such a special start. My heart rested easy every day leaving him with you. 

Miss Sarah, love simply pours out of you. Every child that ever gets to be in your class is so lucky to have been loved by you. My children are no exception. You are so special to us. 

Ms. Marcia, I can't thank you enough for loving the ornery parts of my kiddos! All the days we both shook our heads at each other over the things Miss Kaydence would say and do. I knew you'd start over with them the next day and love the heck out of them, while trying your best to get those behaviors straightened out! 

Ms. Sandy, you're one of a kind. Thank you for your patience and kindness. Thank you for getting my littles ready for big school. I was so impressed with how much they learned and grew in your class. 

To all the rest of the staff over the years and Ms. Janet, thank you, thank you, thank you for being a part of our journey. 

This isn't goodbye but see ya around! I'm not good at goodbyes which is why I'm writing this today instead of next week when I do my final pickup. I'll  be a complete mess. 

We've shared lots of love, tears, and definitely plenty of laughs. I am forever grateful for each one of you! 🫶🏼❤️💙💜

A Poem for my Children

I'm looking at my babies who aren't babies anymore. I glance at each one and tally the score. Am I doing enough? Am I pouring in? Did the loss that we took actually equal a win? 

The past year was absolutely full of ups and downs. I struggled myself to not ultimately drown. I pulled myself up for the ones that I love and found in the process I was always enough. I learned once again to love me the most, so that love could pour out leaving them fully dosed. I've watched us hurt and watched us grow. I'm seeing the fruit of the seeds that I sow. 

As we press on into the next chapter, I will always pursue a home full of laughter. May they always know how much they are loved... that they're cherished, adored, the greatest gift from above. 

It's okay to NOT...

I feel compelled to say, it's okay to NOT. Especially this time of year. 

The older I get, the more I realize how unbelievably stressful this time of year can be on people. I talked to a friend the other day that said when her kids were little they spent the holidays going from one family to the other and didn't really enjoy their time because they were hustling from one place to the next to make sure they saw everyone. Is this your family? It's okay to NOT. Are you tired of not gaining any peace from this season?  Just make a decision to stay home with YOUR family. Make plans to visit at different times throughout the year. Meet up weeks ahead of Christmas or have Christmas in July. 

Are you wondering if you need to buy small gifts for everyone at your office or school? All the kids in a huge family? Your childrens' teachers? It's okay to NOT. Every year I receive lots of little gifts from students, other teachers, friends. I do not reciprocate. It's hard enough to plan and prepare for Christmas for my own family. My love language is not giving and receiving of gifts. I decided years ago that it was pointless to drain my energy and finances. I'd much rather you send me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas or give me a call during those weird days between Christmas and New Years so we can catch up. 

Are you so sick of your Elf on the Shelf? It's okay to NOT. The elf was fun for me for one year. One. After that he became a pain in the ass. We still have an elf, but he doesn't do elaborate pranks or really much of anything special. That little sucker just flies around sitting in different places. He occasionally goes all out and plays with toys. It's okay if your kids don't have an elf. 

If your primary love language is giving and receiving of gifts, I understand that it's your time to shine. Consider spending your extra money on an Angel Tree child and buying the name brands instead of knock offs. Reach out to your local DHS and sponsor a foster child. There are lots of ways we can make this time of year meaningful as well as peaceful. 

Extend some grace to yourself and others. We're all doing our best. Remember that to all the things bringing you stress this holiday season, it's okay to NOT. 

Lots of love. ❤️

Archery

There once was a little girl that won a bow....

It's hard to put into words what it's meant to watch my girl these past four years. It's been incredible to see her grow as an athlete, bringing home box fulls of team and individual medals, plaques, state championships, and a national championship. It's been even more incredible to see what this sport has done for her as a young lady. When I think back to watching her shoot her first year, you could see her emotions all over her. One bad shot and her shoulders dropped, head hung. To see her become disciplined, in control of her emotions on the good days and bad, is a priceless piece to this journey. 

To her coaches, I can't thank you enough. Atteberry and Hamersley...thank you for the fundamentals and giving my scrawny little 5th grader a chance. Thank you for putting up with the tears (oh the tears) and the moodiness. Thank you for making it fun. No one should ever be that happy to win a bag of chips and yet here we are. Burchill, thank you for the calm presence you brought to the table as a coach. Thank you for teaching her she was the one in control of that bow as well as her emotions. Avila, thanks so much for stepping up for these kids when they needed you. Thank all of you for the countless hours of practice. I've let you guys bus my daughter all over the state and 4 times to Kentucky and I've never worried one bit. I always knew you'd look after her. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

To the other archery moms, thanks for all the pictures, early morning rides, and for looking after my girl when I wasn't there. It really takes a village. 

To APS (and the crazy staff that volunteers to go across the country as sponsors of moody, smelly teenagers)and our great community, thank you for supporting the Bulldog Archery program. From donations to fundraisers, you always helped make it happen! 

To my Savannah, from the moment you walked to the car, holding back tears because you hadn't made the cut for that first tournament, I knew that archery would have a great impact on your life. What I already knew about you, that your coaches didn't, is that you are unbelievably competitive. I simply told you to practice harder. You came out the next week to the Altus tournament and placed 2nd. You never looked back. Archery has helped you grow so much as a person. Sure I've been proud of all the awards. Watching you shoot your PB 292 in Altus will always be a highlight for me as your mom. BUT, getting a text from another archery parent telling me what a sweet girl you are or how helpful you've been to the younger archers, makes my heart so absolutely full. I couldn't be more proud of you. I have no idea what the future holds for you and this sport, but just know I'm always here supporting you. 

FortyTwo

This was my birthday week and with that has come a great deal of reflection. I have thought of all the ways that my life brings me joy but also the ways it has broken my heart. I was loved and spoiled by my people, but to be completely honest, life has been heavy lately. I'm carrying a deep sadness for myself and so many around me. For weeks it's been phone calls or opening Facebook to hear of the passing of loved ones. There's a whole community hurting over a young man taken so early from us. He had a smile that lit up any room. My heart breaks for his momma, his uncles, his friends. My family has lost two loved ones this week alone. There's been death, sickness, doctors visits, addiction, broken relationships, lost friendships, and dreaded cancer diagnoses. It just feels heavy.  Life is fleeting and if anything, I am seeing more than ever how important it is to grab on and love your people the best you can. So the heavy feels really heavy right now but I am always determined to find the joy. Let's talk about that for a moment. 

Savannah continues to amaze me. She's strong and capable in ways statistics would have told her she could never be. She works so hard in school, taking AP classes, and consistently showing me how bright she is. She's still singing beautifully and her voice is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Music is how she connects with her feelings on a deeper level. She's not one to always share how she feels in words but if you just check out what play list she's on, you will know. Her shower and bedroom concerts (that the neighbors can most likely also hear) bring a smile to my face every time. She made all region choir this year, and has now made it to the second round of all state choir auditions. She's pushed through some major anxiety and become a real goal chaser. I am so excited for archery season and to watch her shine again. I'll never get over how good she is...and how much it's developed her in so many other areas of her life. 

She loves deep like me and because of that she hurts deep. She's in the swamps of teenage drama and love. Parenting her right now has been one of the greatest healing and growth phases for me. As I listen and advise her on friendships and boys, I learned that I have always struggled with healthy boundaries myself. As I ask her to keep people in her circle that lift her up and bring her joy, I'm learning how important it is that I lead by example. I'm telling her that just because someone was once a very important part of your life doesn't mean you always have to save a seat at the table for them, and I'm swallowing that hard truth too. I am learning as much, and probably more, from her than she's learning from me. SHE is beautiful in all the ways and I am so lucky I am her momma. 

Abram...my eyes fill with tears all the time when I see how my baby has turned into a boy right before my eyes and it's all happening so fast. Last week, I got to go watch his music program. I cried during the first song... and it was Ghostbusters, yall. Who cries to Ghostbusters? But seeing him up there with that toothless grin just singing his heart out touched a place so deep in my heart that I can't really put it into words. He's such a freaking cool kid. He's like 80s style cool. He loves to be outside and be with friends. He rocks his own style and the cutest thing ever is he's started the "tall sock" trend among his friend group. He's doing great in school and watching him learn to read has to be one of my favorite parts of parenting so far. He's also killing it on the soccer field and although his fan club changes from week to week, we are loud and proud. He scores a lot but that's far less important to me than the toughness and the pure hustle I've seen in him. My dad always teased me when I bought my Traverse and called it my soccer van. Well, I'll proudly drive that "soccer van" out to the freezing cold soccer fields anytime to watch my little boy do his thing. HE is amazing in all the ways and I am so lucky to be his momma. 

Kaydence...she has the fierceness to change the world and the heart to do it the right way. She is the ultimate snuggle bug. No one, and I mean no one, gives a better hug than K. She squeezes in a way that let's you know she's filling you up with all the love she has for you. If you are loved by K then it is easy to see that she gives and receives love in the love language of physical touch. I often say she is unbothered by authority. You may call it strong willed. I sneak in to the end of ballet class each week and watch her cut in line. She's very aware of how lining up is supposed to work and we talk about it each week after class, but she's also aware that it is much more fun to just go for it (whatever it is). She is just really really busy living her best life and she doesn't really see it as her problem if that doesn't fit within your guidelines of acceptable behavior. Who she is as a whole makes her the kind of friend you'll want in your corner. I promise she will be the one to stand up in class and tell the teacher he's being ridiculous calling you out for dress code. She'll be the one that hugs you tight when your hearts been broken. She's the one that will say let's pack our bags and go on an adventure. She is the baby but she stands up with her own authority for herself the people she loves. SHE is fierce in all the ways and I am so lucky to be her momma. 

As for me, it's hard. As you can see, I'm parenting three kids with busy schedules and very different sets of needs. There are days I'm a bit lonely even in the midst of the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I think it would be great to have someone significant in my life to share the load and help fill my cup. But most days I'm grateful there's not anyone else that needs something from me because I really don't have it to give. The work of motherhood is hard and often selfless. I know I need to find pieces of time just for me and that's a current reflection I plan to really work on this year. I can't say enough how incredibly happy I am at my new position at work. I work with two of the most wonderful women who are friends that are quickly becoming more like family. We help support a great group of teachers and serve over 100 awesome students each day.  We laugh and cry and support each other in a way that is truly beautiful. 

And of course my friends and family... your love and support keep me going. Laughter really is the best medicine and I am so grateful for my people that keep me laughing. To my mom who helps with a million things every week while also pouring love into everyone around you. You're the real MVP. To my dad who is always helping guide my son into being a young man and loving my daughters in a way that is teaching them how they should be loved...you're the best. 

So all in all... love like hell cause life is short and sometimes really heavy. Search for joy and you will find it. Laugh as often as you can. Hold a place for the people that really deserve a place in your heart. And realize it's sometimes healthiest to let go and love someone from a distance. Take care of yourself and box out a little time just for YOU. 

ALL THE LOVE ❤️ 

One Last Trip

1,967 days ago, I drove into Hobart, OK with a chubby faced, bald headed, blue-eyed, 8 month old, Abram. We had known each other for a whole 15 hours on that first trip to Kiowa County. 

1,645 days ago, Savannah Ann walked up my driveway with red, box dyed hair, the sweetest gapped tooth smile, and a broken sandal. She instantly became my favorite 8 year old in the world and everything Abram and I didn't even know we needed. It would mean more days in court.... more trips to Kiowa County. 

1,175 ago, we became a forever family. I was so happy to be done with those trips to Hobart. BUT......

684 ago God said, "We're not done yet!" And here comes the blue-eyed, fiercely independent, loud, bossy, cuddling, beautiful baby of the family, and many more trips to Kiowa County. 

TODAY, I made my final drive to that court house. After many miles, money, and a million tears, I'm finally done. Next stop, Jackson County Courthouse! 

***ADOPTION DAY COMING SOON!!!***

Peace Out, Kiowa County! ✌️💜