Archery

There once was a little girl that won a bow....

It's hard to put into words what it's meant to watch my girl these past four years. It's been incredible to see her grow as an athlete, bringing home box fulls of team and individual medals, plaques, state championships, and a national championship. It's been even more incredible to see what this sport has done for her as a young lady. When I think back to watching her shoot her first year, you could see her emotions all over her. One bad shot and her shoulders dropped, head hung. To see her become disciplined, in control of her emotions on the good days and bad, is a priceless piece to this journey. 

To her coaches, I can't thank you enough. Atteberry and Hamersley...thank you for the fundamentals and giving my scrawny little 5th grader a chance. Thank you for putting up with the tears (oh the tears) and the moodiness. Thank you for making it fun. No one should ever be that happy to win a bag of chips and yet here we are. Burchill, thank you for the calm presence you brought to the table as a coach. Thank you for teaching her she was the one in control of that bow as well as her emotions. Avila, thanks so much for stepping up for these kids when they needed you. Thank all of you for the countless hours of practice. I've let you guys bus my daughter all over the state and 4 times to Kentucky and I've never worried one bit. I always knew you'd look after her. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

To the other archery moms, thanks for all the pictures, early morning rides, and for looking after my girl when I wasn't there. It really takes a village. 

To APS (and the crazy staff that volunteers to go across the country as sponsors of moody, smelly teenagers)and our great community, thank you for supporting the Bulldog Archery program. From donations to fundraisers, you always helped make it happen! 

To my Savannah, from the moment you walked to the car, holding back tears because you hadn't made the cut for that first tournament, I knew that archery would have a great impact on your life. What I already knew about you, that your coaches didn't, is that you are unbelievably competitive. I simply told you to practice harder. You came out the next week to the Altus tournament and placed 2nd. You never looked back. Archery has helped you grow so much as a person. Sure I've been proud of all the awards. Watching you shoot your PB 292 in Altus will always be a highlight for me as your mom. BUT, getting a text from another archery parent telling me what a sweet girl you are or how helpful you've been to the younger archers, makes my heart so absolutely full. I couldn't be more proud of you. I have no idea what the future holds for you and this sport, but just know I'm always here supporting you. 

FortyTwo

This was my birthday week and with that has come a great deal of reflection. I have thought of all the ways that my life brings me joy but also the ways it has broken my heart. I was loved and spoiled by my people, but to be completely honest, life has been heavy lately. I'm carrying a deep sadness for myself and so many around me. For weeks it's been phone calls or opening Facebook to hear of the passing of loved ones. There's a whole community hurting over a young man taken so early from us. He had a smile that lit up any room. My heart breaks for his momma, his uncles, his friends. My family has lost two loved ones this week alone. There's been death, sickness, doctors visits, addiction, broken relationships, lost friendships, and dreaded cancer diagnoses. It just feels heavy.  Life is fleeting and if anything, I am seeing more than ever how important it is to grab on and love your people the best you can. So the heavy feels really heavy right now but I am always determined to find the joy. Let's talk about that for a moment. 

Savannah continues to amaze me. She's strong and capable in ways statistics would have told her she could never be. She works so hard in school, taking AP classes, and consistently showing me how bright she is. She's still singing beautifully and her voice is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Music is how she connects with her feelings on a deeper level. She's not one to always share how she feels in words but if you just check out what play list she's on, you will know. Her shower and bedroom concerts (that the neighbors can most likely also hear) bring a smile to my face every time. She made all region choir this year, and has now made it to the second round of all state choir auditions. She's pushed through some major anxiety and become a real goal chaser. I am so excited for archery season and to watch her shine again. I'll never get over how good she is...and how much it's developed her in so many other areas of her life. 

She loves deep like me and because of that she hurts deep. She's in the swamps of teenage drama and love. Parenting her right now has been one of the greatest healing and growth phases for me. As I listen and advise her on friendships and boys, I learned that I have always struggled with healthy boundaries myself. As I ask her to keep people in her circle that lift her up and bring her joy, I'm learning how important it is that I lead by example. I'm telling her that just because someone was once a very important part of your life doesn't mean you always have to save a seat at the table for them, and I'm swallowing that hard truth too. I am learning as much, and probably more, from her than she's learning from me. SHE is beautiful in all the ways and I am so lucky I am her momma. 

Abram...my eyes fill with tears all the time when I see how my baby has turned into a boy right before my eyes and it's all happening so fast. Last week, I got to go watch his music program. I cried during the first song... and it was Ghostbusters, yall. Who cries to Ghostbusters? But seeing him up there with that toothless grin just singing his heart out touched a place so deep in my heart that I can't really put it into words. He's such a freaking cool kid. He's like 80s style cool. He loves to be outside and be with friends. He rocks his own style and the cutest thing ever is he's started the "tall sock" trend among his friend group. He's doing great in school and watching him learn to read has to be one of my favorite parts of parenting so far. He's also killing it on the soccer field and although his fan club changes from week to week, we are loud and proud. He scores a lot but that's far less important to me than the toughness and the pure hustle I've seen in him. My dad always teased me when I bought my Traverse and called it my soccer van. Well, I'll proudly drive that "soccer van" out to the freezing cold soccer fields anytime to watch my little boy do his thing. HE is amazing in all the ways and I am so lucky to be his momma. 

Kaydence...she has the fierceness to change the world and the heart to do it the right way. She is the ultimate snuggle bug. No one, and I mean no one, gives a better hug than K. She squeezes in a way that let's you know she's filling you up with all the love she has for you. If you are loved by K then it is easy to see that she gives and receives love in the love language of physical touch. I often say she is unbothered by authority. You may call it strong willed. I sneak in to the end of ballet class each week and watch her cut in line. She's very aware of how lining up is supposed to work and we talk about it each week after class, but she's also aware that it is much more fun to just go for it (whatever it is). She is just really really busy living her best life and she doesn't really see it as her problem if that doesn't fit within your guidelines of acceptable behavior. Who she is as a whole makes her the kind of friend you'll want in your corner. I promise she will be the one to stand up in class and tell the teacher he's being ridiculous calling you out for dress code. She'll be the one that hugs you tight when your hearts been broken. She's the one that will say let's pack our bags and go on an adventure. She is the baby but she stands up with her own authority for herself the people she loves. SHE is fierce in all the ways and I am so lucky to be her momma. 

As for me, it's hard. As you can see, I'm parenting three kids with busy schedules and very different sets of needs. There are days I'm a bit lonely even in the midst of the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I think it would be great to have someone significant in my life to share the load and help fill my cup. But most days I'm grateful there's not anyone else that needs something from me because I really don't have it to give. The work of motherhood is hard and often selfless. I know I need to find pieces of time just for me and that's a current reflection I plan to really work on this year. I can't say enough how incredibly happy I am at my new position at work. I work with two of the most wonderful women who are friends that are quickly becoming more like family. We help support a great group of teachers and serve over 100 awesome students each day.  We laugh and cry and support each other in a way that is truly beautiful. 

And of course my friends and family... your love and support keep me going. Laughter really is the best medicine and I am so grateful for my people that keep me laughing. To my mom who helps with a million things every week while also pouring love into everyone around you. You're the real MVP. To my dad who is always helping guide my son into being a young man and loving my daughters in a way that is teaching them how they should be loved...you're the best. 

So all in all... love like hell cause life is short and sometimes really heavy. Search for joy and you will find it. Laugh as often as you can. Hold a place for the people that really deserve a place in your heart. And realize it's sometimes healthiest to let go and love someone from a distance. Take care of yourself and box out a little time just for YOU. 

ALL THE LOVE ❤️ 

One Last Trip

1,967 days ago, I drove into Hobart, OK with a chubby faced, bald headed, blue-eyed, 8 month old, Abram. We had known each other for a whole 15 hours on that first trip to Kiowa County. 

1,645 days ago, Savannah Ann walked up my driveway with red, box dyed hair, the sweetest gapped tooth smile, and a broken sandal. She instantly became my favorite 8 year old in the world and everything Abram and I didn't even know we needed. It would mean more days in court.... more trips to Kiowa County. 

1,175 ago, we became a forever family. I was so happy to be done with those trips to Hobart. BUT......

684 ago God said, "We're not done yet!" And here comes the blue-eyed, fiercely independent, loud, bossy, cuddling, beautiful baby of the family, and many more trips to Kiowa County. 

TODAY, I made my final drive to that court house. After many miles, money, and a million tears, I'm finally done. Next stop, Jackson County Courthouse! 

***ADOPTION DAY COMING SOON!!!***

Peace Out, Kiowa County! ✌️💜

Good News

It's been awhile... yeah. Raising 3 is no walk in the park. I told someone today I'm crazy for taking this on "alone" but when I look back, I know the only answer was yes. 

We got really good news today and we are one step closer to adoption for little sis. As I sit here and think about officially becoming a single mom of 3, I can't help but reflect on how far I've come. I remember making choices...many of them...many years ago...with the thought in mind that it really didn't matter because I wasn't going to have kids, my marriage had failed, and I figured I'd end up old and alone. It seems so dramatic looking back but seriously it's what I believed. 

When Abram came I was sort of like the Grinch...my heart grew three sizes that day. Little did I know that there were two precious girls waiting to fill the other two thirds. 

I couldn't honestly tell anyone that this was an easy path. It's been so hard. So exhausting. It's definitely aged me. But these 3... they are worth it all. I went to parent teacher conferences this week and listened to Abram's teacher talk about him being a leader and easily making friends (talking too much but of course that's no surprise!) He's smart and funny and basically thriving as a 6 yr old spoiled rotten, sensitive, soft hearted, bratty, Pokémon collecting little boy. 

Savannah's teachers talked about how smart she is and what a pleasure she is to have in class. We ended up spending most of our time talking to her archery coach and he went on and on about what and elite archer she is. I take very little credit for who she is. Sure I give her what she needs and love her like crazy. I give tough love when I need to but she came to me resilient and determined. I've watched her blossom into this young lady that's going to be a force in the world. Mark my words. 

Then there's Baby K! I went to pick her up from daycare this week and she attempted to climb the fence to get to me. By the time I made it to the gate, her boot was caught underneath and it took 3 of us to get her out. Bless her teacher's heart I could tell it had been a day and believe me I understand. She's recreating threenager on a whole new level. She loves me fiercely and doesn't wanna ever spend a night away from momma. It took Abram past age 4 to spend the night at Lollie and Pop's. I'll be lucky if she'll stay before Junior High. She's sassy and smart like her big sister and for sure plans to leave her mark on the world. 

Then there's me. Still teaching and loving my students every day as if they're my own... because in the hours they're with me they are! I don't see myself ever leaving education but I'm also opening my heart to some small changes that might be possible in the near future. I'm single and probably too stubborn to co-parent so it is what it is but if you think you have the perfect match and you're willing to keep my rowdy kids for the night, let me know! I'll accept a night out. Lol. 

I'm blessed and stressed and a really hot mess but I really love my kids and I really love me. 

As always, thanks to our balcony people who keep cheering us on. We love you big and we appreciate you.

🙏❤🩵💜

The Ugly Side

I will never forget the day my home was fully certified and ready to accept a foster child/children. I got the call a little before 9 that they had finished everything, I was fully approved, and my home would be put into the system as active. I was sitting on my porch drinking coffee and freaking out so much on the inside. It wasn't even 10 minutes later that my phone rang and up popped the DHS hotline number. I took a deep breath and answered. The lady on the other end began to tell me about a teenage girl that needed a home. My heart broke as I heard her story. She had a child of her own that was placed elsewhere in foster care, her boyfriend was in and out of jail, and she would often run away when he was released each time. I listened, but I knew that this young lady was not supposed to be placed in my home. As a single foster parent, I already knew some of my limitations and I knew this didn't feel right. I told the woman on the line that I couldn't accept the placement. I cried when I hung up because even though I knew this placement wasn't right for me, my heart had already been broken a little by foster care. I let that feeling of "not enough" creep back into my mind and wondered if everything I was doing was actually a big mistake. I still think about her from time to time. She would be an adult now and I wonder how she is. I wonder if she was able to be a  mother to her baby or if the cycle of foster care continues in her family. I never even knew her name. 

So much of what I've observed in my years of teaching and fostering is that it's so hard to break away from generational poverty, neglect, abuse, or drug addiction. It's an ugly truth you come face to face with. It's the ugly truth these children live through. 

I've learned a lot about how luck was on my side. I was lucky that even though we would have been considered poor, I had two present parents that worked really hard to make ends meet. I never knew what it meant to open a completely empty fridge. I never got slapped around by an abusive parent. And never once in my life did I face a situation where the only people in the world willing and able to care for me were complete strangers. 

My children come from trauma. 8yrs, 8months, 15months. All stories different. All stories I'll never know all the pieces to. So what can I do? Sure I can love them. That's not enough. I have to continue to work on me. I work on me so I am able to hold them. I continue to learn about the longterm effects of trauma and how it rears its ugly head in tantrums, control, withdrawal, demanding attention, fear....this list could really go on and on. I just want being "in the system" to stop piling trauma on top of trauma. 

I'm tired. I'm sad. It's hard. And the solution actually seems very simple to me. I want to take care of the people I love. I want the simplicity of knowing my kids are mine and that I won't wake up one day and that any piece of that has been taken from us. The whole process is exhausting. Addiction, incarceration, rehab, reunification, visitation, termination, court dates, attorneys, home visits...  Just when I thought everything was falling into place, that we were so very close to an end, I find myself again knowing there are too many players in this game. 

But here we are and I'm proud of us. I'm proud that we've become a family, one, two, three times now. I'm proud of the determination we've all shown to keep moving forward together. But I'm also tired...very tired. 

Battlefield

12 years ago I was recovering from a major surgery. I had staples across my lower abdomen and I was moving around at the speed of a snail. I also experienced severe insomnia for the first time in my life. Every bit of it was worth it at the time. I was finally filled with hope of getting pregnant. For months everything was calculated... ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, repeat. Month after month the hope slowly faded. I was living in a state of defeat. I was drained, and my marriage was falling apart right before my eyes. 

  The next few years were hard, to say the least. I was faced with a decision to accept the way my life had turned out or create one that brought me back to a state of joy. I made decisions during those years that pulled me back and forth. I was withdrawn at times, while at others, I was partying like it was 1999. Neither brought me joy. I was in a battle with myself. Somewhere along that winding road I started to set boundaries. I needed my circle to be small and trustworthy. I learned I didn't need a partner to be happy, and that in fact, this poor school teacher could build a pretty good life all by herself. 

  The last couple years haven't been without their battles. I watched my dad battle cancer. I've watched loved ones struggle through addiction. I've watched my daughter battle through and overcome trauma from her past. I watched all of us make our way through a pandemic. 

  Looking back, I see how necessary each of those battles were to bring me to exactly where I am now. I am in a place to support my children in finding their true joy in life. What a beautiful responsibility.

  I sit here this morning reflecting in a quiet house. The kids are at daycare, as I will walk into my attorney's office later today and again prepare for battle. I am stronger than I've ever been but not without some level of worry. Check signed, mediation date set, and the looming presence of a possible trial in the future. All of these things combined have the power to take my breath away. The possibility of us ever saying goodbye to our littlest one puts a knot in my stomach the size of the Atlantic. It's all hard and scary and I'd be lying if I didn't say so. 

  What I've learned is not to try and eat the whole elephant at once. I constantly remind myself that I have today, and after the tragedies of this week, that's more than many parents are waking up to. Today we press on. Today I once again prepare to pull out and put on my armor even though it didn't even have time to get dusty yet. I will fight for you baby, just like I fought for your brother and sister. I will do everything in my power to give you every chance in life to find and hold tight to your joy. 

Where's MY dad?

I knew eventually he'd get to the age where he wanted to know about his dad. It was bedtime and we were having a silly lighthearted conversation about a little girl in his class that he always says is so pretty! He said "maybe when I'm big I will marry her!" Then we giggled and he stopped and said "noooo...you know who I'm gonna marry?" I said no. He said "You, momma!" I told him I can't marry him cause I'm his mommy and people can't marry their mommy. He said "can they marry their dad?" I said no. He then said "my dad is in heaven". Those words were like a dagger to my momma heart. We've talked about his dad but in that moment I realized he just didn't at all understand. I told him his dad is not in heaven but he does live far far away. I explained the best I could to a 5 year old that when he was a baby, his dad wasn't healthy and he couldn't take care of him and so he came to be my little boy forever. He asked me if Pop can be his dad. I told him no because Pop loves being your Pop so much. We talked for awhile about families and how each one is different. He said "I love you mom and you're my momma!" The whole conversation was simple and straightforward to him. It left me feeling quite gloomy. You see, I've never met or even spoken to his dad. There's not one single thing I can tell him about his dad. No funny stories. No faces that he makes can I ever say "you look just like your dad". I've got nothing and it's just sad. He has a brother in California. They've spent some time together when he went to visit his grandparents. They look a lot alike. I wish they could have a closer relationship and hope someday they do. I know there will be more questions along the way. I pray I have the words. 

Sav has recently began writing her dad. It has oddly enough brought with it a true acceptance of her life without him in it. They were so close and to lose that connection overnight is something I can't even fathom. When she speaks about him, I get a sense it was them against the world. As long as they had each other they'd be alright.  After they had written each other a couple times, she told me that she "just wants her family to know that she's okay and that she's really happy". She went on to tell me that was one of the hardest things was worrying that her family didn't know she was okay. Three years she's held on to those thoughts. 

I'm not even sure the point of this blog...maybe it's just to try and tie up the wondering thoughts in my mind for the past months. Maybe it's to let other foster/adoptive parents know that it's really hard for me too...you're not alone. Maybe it's just about facing the facts. I know what it's not. It's not at all about wondering if I'm enough. I know I can't be a dad. But I do know I can surround my children with strong male role models. Our village is full of them. I know they have a Pop, an Uncle, and so many others that fill in the gaps. I will continue to try and help my children heal from the life that didn't work out for them, embrace the one they have, and love them every step of the way.