There's a first time for everything...

It's amazing how often I look at my life right now with pure gratefulness. Lately it's been about experiencing "firsts". We sat in Braums last week and I watched him eat his first ice cream cone with such excitement and I thought, "how lucky am I that I get to be here for this exact moment ." I looked at that blue ice cream all over his nose and cheeks and running down his neck and just appreciated the perfection that he is. I'm experiencing his first steps. He gets so eager that he wants to run. His Pop said months ago that he wasn't going to walk but just run. I think he may have been on to something. He's saying a few words now but completely on his own terms! We can stand at the door for 5 minutes trying to get him to say bye bye and then when I get him in his car seat, on the way home, he decides it's a good time. We took our first trip to the park. He loved sitting on the picnic blanket and watching everything going on around us. He loved the slide. (I realized my butt is a little big for the kiddie slide). We've celebrated his first birthday and gone to a birthday party for a special friend. We had our first photo shoot, and ohhh how I wish I could share these priceless photos with you all. I may be partial, but seriously his baby blues are to die for. I feel that I am experiencing great favor with each and every first. The magnitude of this rocks me to the core.

Even in the "not so great firsts", I am grateful that I am the one that gets to be there FOR him. I am his person. It's such a special position to have been appointed. This is the first time for this momma to experience teething. This has not been so fun. It seems like we catch a break for a few weeks and then bam right back at it. It has been exhausting and I envy all that have told me that teething wasn't so bad for their little ones. Molars have been a whole new hellish experience. I've relied on our village quite a bit lately. I called my mom a few days ago and said "I need you as soon as you're off work!" She later said she could sense the desperation in my voice. In that moment, I WAS desperate. I needed someone else to hold this baby boy while he flailed around. I had spent the whole day doing everything I could think of to try and make him more comfortable, and I was worn smooth out.

As if God was smiling down on us, the next day was full of giggles and cuddles and not a tear shed by either of us over teething. It seems to work that way. Sometimes I'm emotionally exhausted by the whole process, the system, the unknowns. I hate the not knowing. I hate thinking about him leaving and trying not to hope for him to stay...even when that's the hope of my heart. Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, he smiles a smile that shows off all those new teeth...he brings me the farm book for 999th time and crawls into my lap... He giggles or leans in for one of his super sloppy open mouth kisses. He melts my heart in the moments of exhaustion and his love fuels me again and again. I will ALWAYS cherish this season of firsts.

I remember standing around the piano as a little girl while my precious Aunt Norma played and listening to my Papa and his brothers and sisters sing beautiful gospel music. I felt closest to God in those moments. This comes to mind and perfectly expresses where I am in this chapter of my life's story.

Why me Lord 
What have I ever done
To deserve even one
Of the blessings I've known
Why me Lord 
What did I ever do
That was worth love from you
And the kindness you've shown

Walking Out for His Future

As I rocked that sweet baby to sleep tonight I thought about the weight of this walk out. I know that this is one time in my life that I might be able to make a lasting difference in his. My decisions, along with all educators in my state, in the weeks to come will directly affect what kind of education this baby boy will receive. He has 13+ yrs of school ahead of him. I want him to receive the best. The very best our state can offer him.

I have always been a teacher that connected with my students. I listen to their stories about last night's basketball game, try to learn the dances all the cool kids are doing, have lunch with them from time to time, and genuinely try to learn about the things that make them unique and special. With every passing year this becomes harder and harder. I know less about them because there are so many of them sitting in front of me and numbers continue to grow each year. There was a moment earlier this school year when I actually had to look up one of MY student's last name. MY kiddo...how does this happen? I knew in that moment that I knew this class a little less than last year's and even less than the year before. It made me so sad. I jumped on my soapbox and preached to the choir at lunch that day. They know the struggle and we've all been supportive of one another every time things have gotten a little harder in the classroom. These make shift support groups can be found in every school across our state. It's over lunch or in a group chat and although we are grateful to know we aren't alone, we are tired of sitting around and doing NOTHING to change the situation.

You see... here is what I thought about tonight in that dark room where soft lullabies played and stars twinkled on the ceiling. I have no idea how long Baby will be with me. Could be weeks. Could be forever. If he leaves me, I can only pray that God will place people in his life that he will connect with. People that will see the things that make HIM unique and special. Someone who knows his demeanor enough to know when he's angry...or when he's hurting. When I think of these people...I think of his future teachers. Lord please don't let this Baby just be another full desk in a room of 30+. Don't let his needs be overlooked. Whether he's with me or not, He will NEED special people along the way. He will NEED to be reminded that he is enough. He will NEED to be encouraged to break the cycles that have tormented his family. He will NEED HIS TEACHERS!!!

I don't know what will happen in the weeks to come and I will continue to pray about what to do, how to do it, and for the support of our community and state. Tomorrow I will wake up, drive my 14yr old vehicle to school, and do whatever I can to SEE every student that sits before me. I will continue to pray that if God needs me to give one of them a little extra encouragement that I will recognize that. I pray I will never be too busy or overwhelmed with the numbers to stop seeing the hearts. Please pray with me! If ever a time we've needed it... THE TIME IS NOW!