Serenity

I don't know that I've ever struggled more to be present in the moment. For weeks now it's like my heart jumps out of my body for safety...serenity...and my brain constantly struggles to try and rationalize it all and put the pieces back into place. I remind myself how important it is not to miss today, worrying about tomorrow. I'm drowning in emotion though.

Everything imaginable about Baby's future seems to be hanging in the balance. Unknown variables in so many areas of my life and so many feelings of uncertainty about what tomorrow will hold. I tell myself all the right things over and over. I tell myself that God has had a hand in everything up to this point and he won't leave me now. I tell myself that God works for the good of those that love him. I tell myself that God has big plans that I can't even comprehend right now. And yet, I fight back the stinging tears constantly. There is a knot resting in my stomach that won't go away. I would do anything to have some answers. Some clarity in the midst of this chaos. I would give up everything I have to know his life will be blessed...that he will always be safe and loved. He is my son. He is my baby. No decision that a judge can make will ever change what's in my heart.

This journey is long. It seems at times that everything is going one way and then it all drastically shifts. It takes your breath away.

I never regret the decision to foster, but I certainly question why God chose me. My heart has been broken over and over again and I keep saying yes I will carry on. He gives me strength when I need it most but right now I need some peace. I feel desperate for a moment to pass by where I actually feel a bit grounded in where my life is headed. I feel desperate to have some confidence in knowing I can face the possibilities should they come.

I am asking for prayers. I am asking my loved ones to flood the gates of heaven with requests on our behalf. Pray for discernment for the judge and all others involved. Pray that love will win.