Brave

So I recently was recognized as TFI's Oklahoma caregiver of the month. TFI is the foster agency I used to begin foster care. They visit monthly, check in on any needs we may have, and most importantly keep my butt organized. There's a lot of paperwork and training that goes into this.  It's weird because from a very young age, I loved attention. I loved to be up on the stage singing and dancing. Loved to be recognized at assemblies for sports and honor roll. I got super stoked when my picture made it in the local paper. My cousins and I entertained our family with made up dances and skits. The older I get, the less I enjoy attention. I appreciate the sentiment, but the outpouring of friends and even strangers commenting on me...that's overwhelming.

Someone said I'm an angel. Far from it.  Words like amazing, deserving, and even selfless. Whew. The road that led me here was far from selfless. I did every thing in MY power to become a mother. It was the desire of my heart, and at one point I was determined to stop at nothing until I was able to become pregnant. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars, 4 surgeries, and years of my marriage being completely consumed with the hopes and desire to become a mommy. God kept closing doors and I kept trying to find another way in. It was exhausting. Looking back, it was the opposite of selfless.

God began to whisper the idea of fostering and again and again I said no. I worked VERY hard to discredit...disqualify myself before I even considered giving it a chance. Single parent...not good enough. Two bedroom in a mediocre neighborhood...not good enough. Teacher's income in Oklahoma... definitely not good enough. Apparently God didn't buy into my excuses, and I now know that HE qualified me long before I began to start feeling unqualified.

One day, sitting all alone on my couch, I decided to be BRAVE. I decided that even though this was the scariest thing I could imagine stepping into, that I'd just do it anyway. BRAVE was a decision that I made. It's the only word I'd use to describe me as a "foster parent", and truth is many days I feel so far from brave. There's hurt and unimaginable heartache. There's anger and confusion. There's self doubt and lots of tears. There's a ton of fear but somehow all of that directs me back the decision to continue to be BRAVE.

The rest is me being a mom just like you. It's loving my children unconditionally. It's fighting, along side them, the injustices of the world. It's accidentally letting a cuss word slip when I spill the milk. It's crying and sleepless nights from sickness and pure exhaustion. It's the same anger you feel when someone breaks your child's heart. It's feeding them chicken nuggets...AGAIN. It's teaching them kindness and compassion towards others. It's forgetting to check backpacks and sign papers. BUT MOSTLY it's forgiving myself over and over for not being perfect.

P.S. I don't consider myself nearly the blessing to them, that they are to me.