The End of Sweet Summer Time

Where do I even begin? It's been so long since I've updated. But...life. 

Savannah is 16 (nearly 17) and driving. She had her first job this year as a hostess and thanks to me, she also lost her first job. Despite requesting off, she was scheduled to work during a family reunion in Texas. I told her she absolutely was coming with us. And I'm so glad I did. Those memories with cousins are irreplaceable. She was accepted into the cosmetology program at the votech for her upcoming JR year. Even saying JR year feels like I must be lying. She made the varsity choir and despite our worries that the schedule wouldn't work out, it did. I really don't brag on her enough. She has such a great heart and it comes so natural for her to love and accept people for who they are. You haven't seen her posted much this year but that's because she's so busy making memories with her friends. I remember that time in my life and can't help but smile. I tell people I feel so lucky that she's my starter teen cause she really makes my job pretty easy most days. I am looking forward to seeing her continue to grow into the young lady she's becoming... smart, beautiful, kind, and trustworthy. 

Abram is 9 and heading into 4th grade. This past year has been one of my favorites with him. I spent a lot of years teaching 3rd grade and what I've always said is, that is when they really start to decide who they are amongst their peers. Are you the smart kid, the bully, the athlete? So watching him grow in self awareness has been so enlightening to me, as his mother. He keeps our schedule so full with baseball and although there are times that I dread an upcoming drive or a completely full weekend, there's never a moment when he's out there on the field that I don't absolutely LOVE watching him. He's a natural smart ass (like me) but thank goodness he's also very smart so he's pretty good at knowing when and where to use that wit. He's intelligent, coachable, a good friend, and just a really likeable dude. Can't wait to see what this year holds. 

Miss Kaydence Marie is 6 and going into 1st grade. When Savannah came, I called her sassy pants. Little did I know her baby sister would come jam packed full of more sassiness than I ever could've imagined. She really is a teenager in a mini body. She thoroughly enjoys a little after school gossip session, keeping me updated on the misbehavior of everyone but herself. And surprisingly enough, she actually doesn't get in much trouble at school. I think this is largely due to her ability to form great relationships with adults in her life. I mean, she's hilarious and it makes it hard not to overlook a thing or two once you hear her explanation. There's always a why! I am so excited to watch her grow as a reader this year and hopefully a good leader. One thing about her is she's gonna lead. Our village stays busy making sure she's leading in the right direction. 

She's decided she wants to be a "tapper" this year so we enrolled in a new dance class and she's taking a break from acro. I feel like this is going to be a really fun year for our girl. 

Do I have a favorite kid? Absolutely and it changes all the time. Because the truth is, my life is full of favorite moments with my favorite people. It's Savannah when she sits on the edge of my bed to rant about the injustices of life. Or when she quickly replies to my texts to let me know she's safe. It's her when she quietly shuts the door right at curfew. It's Abram when he crawls up next to me on the couch and still lets me snuggle him for a bit. It's him in those moments I snag pictures after a long weekend of ball. It's him every single time he gets out of the car and looks back to say, "I love you, mom." It's Kaydence when I hear her laughter from across any room and watch the way other people are just as amused by her as I am. It's she and I analyzing life and why ours looks different than other people's. It's her when she walks out in diamond covered high heels and mismatched clothes and responds, "ohh it's fine!" when I tell her to go brush her hair. They ARE my favorite people and I am forever grateful that I get to be one of theirs. 

❤️💙💜

Just Us...

It's time for back to school. It's often hard to believe how time flies right on by whether you are ready or not. 

This year my baby girl will already be a kindergartener. I absolutely loved being at the same school last year and it'll be even more special this year. We will be in the same hall and get to see each other often throughout the day. She already thought she was the queen of the school last year so I'm sure that won't change a bit. I promise she knows all the teachers with the best snacks and treasure boxes and she makes her rounds often. It's the last time I'll share a school with one of my kids, so I plan to soak it all in. She's excited and I'm excited for her. This is such an important year as she and her teacher continue to build that foundation for reading success. I just know she will grow and mature so much too. Kaydence is the messiest little diva you'll ever meet. You can find her digging for bugs in the dirt while wearing high heels and a tutu, with uncombed, wild hair. That's just her nature and I wouldn't change a thing. She told me this week she's going to be a zookeeper and I told her I hope she doesn't get eaten by a tiger! "Uhhh mom, they won't eat the zookeeper. That's who feeds them." Silly me to concern myself with something so trivial. She has the mouth of a teenager (sometimes a sailor) and often says things that leave my jaw on the floor, even though I shouldn't even be surprised anymore. She literally doesn't have a filter. But what she lacks in politeness, she makes up for with the most genuine love and hugs you'll ever receive. One of the first things I ever said about Kaydence is she's sugar and spice. This remains true. 

My favorite dude in the world is going to be a 3rd grader. That blows my mind. He's growing up on me and even though the snuggles and hugs are less, I continue to be his safe place. When he's scared, frustrated, sad, or tired, he still comes to momma. He's always been a momma's boy and I sure hope that never changes. He loves to be outside and on the move. If you can't find him watching Sandlot in the middle of his million stuffies or searching YouTube for a new "walk up" song, I guarantee he's outside throwing a baseball, shooting hoops, or tossing the football with his buddy. He tells me he wants to be a dentist. The kid I have to threaten to brush his teeth. Mommas, does this ever change with boys? Anyway, at this rate, he should be very familiar with a dental office. Lol. Abram's smart enough to be whatever he wants to be with his little elephant memory. So here we go with cursive and multiplication facts when I feel like yesterday was diapers and learning his colors. Slow down baby boy, my head is spinning trying to catch up to how far we've come. 

My girl, my broke bestie, is going to be a Sophomore. That doesn't seem possible. I told someone this week that my default answer for her this summer has been yes. Yes you can go swimming with friends. Yes you can have another sleepover. Yes you can stay up all night and sleep all day. Because the truth is, this was her last summer to just be a kid. She will start driving this fall and next summer will begin the responsibility of having a job. We all know life moves quick from here. But what a privilege it is to have a teenager that I can continue to say yes to. She is not perfect and I still have to check that attitude from time to time, but overall, she's such a respectful and responsible young lady. Her beauty really shines inside and out. I am so looking forward to this year for her, and for me to have a personal chauffeur whenever I want it.  She made it through the trenches of that freshman year and will move into this one with more confidence and hightened survival skills. I am so grateful for the open communication we've built moving into this next phase. I really feel like it's the most essential piece to raising a teen. We are learning and growing together at every turn. I love my tender hearted Sav, Savy, Neena, Neena Bobina, Savannah! 

Me...well, I'm starting my 20th year in the classroom. It physically brings tears to my eyes to think of all the kiddos and families I've been blessed to know along the way.

 The last couple years have felt difficult on a personal level and my focus has seemingly been primarily on raising my kids. But what I'm realizing is in the quiet moments in between, I've been in a season of growth. Tucked away in my cocoon, doing the hard work. I'm learning that maybe at 43 I'm the most confident version of myself that I've ever been. I look at what I've built and I feel so proud of me. So thankful for my little life. I walk my path, with peace, knowing I chose the right one and being filled by the beauty of it all. 

Here's to the next chapter. May it be full of growth and love for us all. 🫶🏼💜💙❤️

Little "Red" School

Where do I even begin? You've spent a decade helping me raise my babies. You were there for my very first foster placement and every one that followed. You've loved and supported me through all the beautiful and messy parts. You've all been there to see us become a forever family and along the way you became a part of our little family too. 

You've been there for all my Mother's Days, sending home the most thoughtful gifts that will stay tucked away safely so I can remember them little, just how you always will. 

 I've trusted you day after day to love my babies and keep them safe. You've been there from diapers to potty training and terrible tantrums to a beautifully developed vocabulary.  You've been nothing short of amazing! 

Ashley, I don't think I would have made it without some of our lengthy office visits. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there when I needed an ear. Your frienship means the world to me. 

Ms.Nita, I can't think of a more precious soul to have loved on my baby boy. You were such a special start. My heart rested easy every day leaving him with you. 

Miss Sarah, love simply pours out of you. Every child that ever gets to be in your class is so lucky to have been loved by you. My children are no exception. You are so special to us. 

Ms. Marcia, I can't thank you enough for loving the ornery parts of my kiddos! All the days we both shook our heads at each other over the things Miss Kaydence would say and do. I knew you'd start over with them the next day and love the heck out of them, while trying your best to get those behaviors straightened out! 

Ms. Sandy, you're one of a kind. Thank you for your patience and kindness. Thank you for getting my littles ready for big school. I was so impressed with how much they learned and grew in your class. 

To all the rest of the staff over the years and Ms. Janet, thank you, thank you, thank you for being a part of our journey. 

This isn't goodbye but see ya around! I'm not good at goodbyes which is why I'm writing this today instead of next week when I do my final pickup. I'll  be a complete mess. 

We've shared lots of love, tears, and definitely plenty of laughs. I am forever grateful for each one of you! 🫶🏼❤️💙💜

A Poem for my Children

I'm looking at my babies who aren't babies anymore. I glance at each one and tally the score. Am I doing enough? Am I pouring in? Did the loss that we took actually equal a win? 

The past year was absolutely full of ups and downs. I struggled myself to not ultimately drown. I pulled myself up for the ones that I love and found in the process I was always enough. I learned once again to love me the most, so that love could pour out leaving them fully dosed. I've watched us hurt and watched us grow. I'm seeing the fruit of the seeds that I sow. 

As we press on into the next chapter, I will always pursue a home full of laughter. May they always know how much they are loved... that they're cherished, adored, the greatest gift from above. 

It's okay to NOT...

I feel compelled to say, it's okay to NOT. Especially this time of year. 

The older I get, the more I realize how unbelievably stressful this time of year can be on people. I talked to a friend the other day that said when her kids were little they spent the holidays going from one family to the other and didn't really enjoy their time because they were hustling from one place to the next to make sure they saw everyone. Is this your family? It's okay to NOT. Are you tired of not gaining any peace from this season?  Just make a decision to stay home with YOUR family. Make plans to visit at different times throughout the year. Meet up weeks ahead of Christmas or have Christmas in July. 

Are you wondering if you need to buy small gifts for everyone at your office or school? All the kids in a huge family? Your childrens' teachers? It's okay to NOT. Every year I receive lots of little gifts from students, other teachers, friends. I do not reciprocate. It's hard enough to plan and prepare for Christmas for my own family. My love language is not giving and receiving of gifts. I decided years ago that it was pointless to drain my energy and finances. I'd much rather you send me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas or give me a call during those weird days between Christmas and New Years so we can catch up. 

Are you so sick of your Elf on the Shelf? It's okay to NOT. The elf was fun for me for one year. One. After that he became a pain in the ass. We still have an elf, but he doesn't do elaborate pranks or really much of anything special. That little sucker just flies around sitting in different places. He occasionally goes all out and plays with toys. It's okay if your kids don't have an elf. 

If your primary love language is giving and receiving of gifts, I understand that it's your time to shine. Consider spending your extra money on an Angel Tree child and buying the name brands instead of knock offs. Reach out to your local DHS and sponsor a foster child. There are lots of ways we can make this time of year meaningful as well as peaceful. 

Extend some grace to yourself and others. We're all doing our best. Remember that to all the things bringing you stress this holiday season, it's okay to NOT. 

Lots of love. ❤️

Archery

There once was a little girl that won a bow....

It's hard to put into words what it's meant to watch my girl these past four years. It's been incredible to see her grow as an athlete, bringing home box fulls of team and individual medals, plaques, state championships, and a national championship. It's been even more incredible to see what this sport has done for her as a young lady. When I think back to watching her shoot her first year, you could see her emotions all over her. One bad shot and her shoulders dropped, head hung. To see her become disciplined, in control of her emotions on the good days and bad, is a priceless piece to this journey. 

To her coaches, I can't thank you enough. Atteberry and Hamersley...thank you for the fundamentals and giving my scrawny little 5th grader a chance. Thank you for putting up with the tears (oh the tears) and the moodiness. Thank you for making it fun. No one should ever be that happy to win a bag of chips and yet here we are. Burchill, thank you for the calm presence you brought to the table as a coach. Thank you for teaching her she was the one in control of that bow as well as her emotions. Avila, thanks so much for stepping up for these kids when they needed you. Thank all of you for the countless hours of practice. I've let you guys bus my daughter all over the state and 4 times to Kentucky and I've never worried one bit. I always knew you'd look after her. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

To the other archery moms, thanks for all the pictures, early morning rides, and for looking after my girl when I wasn't there. It really takes a village. 

To APS (and the crazy staff that volunteers to go across the country as sponsors of moody, smelly teenagers)and our great community, thank you for supporting the Bulldog Archery program. From donations to fundraisers, you always helped make it happen! 

To my Savannah, from the moment you walked to the car, holding back tears because you hadn't made the cut for that first tournament, I knew that archery would have a great impact on your life. What I already knew about you, that your coaches didn't, is that you are unbelievably competitive. I simply told you to practice harder. You came out the next week to the Altus tournament and placed 2nd. You never looked back. Archery has helped you grow so much as a person. Sure I've been proud of all the awards. Watching you shoot your PB 292 in Altus will always be a highlight for me as your mom. BUT, getting a text from another archery parent telling me what a sweet girl you are or how helpful you've been to the younger archers, makes my heart so absolutely full. I couldn't be more proud of you. I have no idea what the future holds for you and this sport, but just know I'm always here supporting you. 

FortyTwo

This was my birthday week and with that has come a great deal of reflection. I have thought of all the ways that my life brings me joy but also the ways it has broken my heart. I was loved and spoiled by my people, but to be completely honest, life has been heavy lately. I'm carrying a deep sadness for myself and so many around me. For weeks it's been phone calls or opening Facebook to hear of the passing of loved ones. There's a whole community hurting over a young man taken so early from us. He had a smile that lit up any room. My heart breaks for his momma, his uncles, his friends. My family has lost two loved ones this week alone. There's been death, sickness, doctors visits, addiction, broken relationships, lost friendships, and dreaded cancer diagnoses. It just feels heavy.  Life is fleeting and if anything, I am seeing more than ever how important it is to grab on and love your people the best you can. So the heavy feels really heavy right now but I am always determined to find the joy. Let's talk about that for a moment. 

Savannah continues to amaze me. She's strong and capable in ways statistics would have told her she could never be. She works so hard in school, taking AP classes, and consistently showing me how bright she is. She's still singing beautifully and her voice is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Music is how she connects with her feelings on a deeper level. She's not one to always share how she feels in words but if you just check out what play list she's on, you will know. Her shower and bedroom concerts (that the neighbors can most likely also hear) bring a smile to my face every time. She made all region choir this year, and has now made it to the second round of all state choir auditions. She's pushed through some major anxiety and become a real goal chaser. I am so excited for archery season and to watch her shine again. I'll never get over how good she is...and how much it's developed her in so many other areas of her life. 

She loves deep like me and because of that she hurts deep. She's in the swamps of teenage drama and love. Parenting her right now has been one of the greatest healing and growth phases for me. As I listen and advise her on friendships and boys, I learned that I have always struggled with healthy boundaries myself. As I ask her to keep people in her circle that lift her up and bring her joy, I'm learning how important it is that I lead by example. I'm telling her that just because someone was once a very important part of your life doesn't mean you always have to save a seat at the table for them, and I'm swallowing that hard truth too. I am learning as much, and probably more, from her than she's learning from me. SHE is beautiful in all the ways and I am so lucky I am her momma. 

Abram...my eyes fill with tears all the time when I see how my baby has turned into a boy right before my eyes and it's all happening so fast. Last week, I got to go watch his music program. I cried during the first song... and it was Ghostbusters, yall. Who cries to Ghostbusters? But seeing him up there with that toothless grin just singing his heart out touched a place so deep in my heart that I can't really put it into words. He's such a freaking cool kid. He's like 80s style cool. He loves to be outside and be with friends. He rocks his own style and the cutest thing ever is he's started the "tall sock" trend among his friend group. He's doing great in school and watching him learn to read has to be one of my favorite parts of parenting so far. He's also killing it on the soccer field and although his fan club changes from week to week, we are loud and proud. He scores a lot but that's far less important to me than the toughness and the pure hustle I've seen in him. My dad always teased me when I bought my Traverse and called it my soccer van. Well, I'll proudly drive that "soccer van" out to the freezing cold soccer fields anytime to watch my little boy do his thing. HE is amazing in all the ways and I am so lucky to be his momma. 

Kaydence...she has the fierceness to change the world and the heart to do it the right way. She is the ultimate snuggle bug. No one, and I mean no one, gives a better hug than K. She squeezes in a way that let's you know she's filling you up with all the love she has for you. If you are loved by K then it is easy to see that she gives and receives love in the love language of physical touch. I often say she is unbothered by authority. You may call it strong willed. I sneak in to the end of ballet class each week and watch her cut in line. She's very aware of how lining up is supposed to work and we talk about it each week after class, but she's also aware that it is much more fun to just go for it (whatever it is). She is just really really busy living her best life and she doesn't really see it as her problem if that doesn't fit within your guidelines of acceptable behavior. Who she is as a whole makes her the kind of friend you'll want in your corner. I promise she will be the one to stand up in class and tell the teacher he's being ridiculous calling you out for dress code. She'll be the one that hugs you tight when your hearts been broken. She's the one that will say let's pack our bags and go on an adventure. She is the baby but she stands up with her own authority for herself the people she loves. SHE is fierce in all the ways and I am so lucky to be her momma. 

As for me, it's hard. As you can see, I'm parenting three kids with busy schedules and very different sets of needs. There are days I'm a bit lonely even in the midst of the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I think it would be great to have someone significant in my life to share the load and help fill my cup. But most days I'm grateful there's not anyone else that needs something from me because I really don't have it to give. The work of motherhood is hard and often selfless. I know I need to find pieces of time just for me and that's a current reflection I plan to really work on this year. I can't say enough how incredibly happy I am at my new position at work. I work with two of the most wonderful women who are friends that are quickly becoming more like family. We help support a great group of teachers and serve over 100 awesome students each day.  We laugh and cry and support each other in a way that is truly beautiful. 

And of course my friends and family... your love and support keep me going. Laughter really is the best medicine and I am so grateful for my people that keep me laughing. To my mom who helps with a million things every week while also pouring love into everyone around you. You're the real MVP. To my dad who is always helping guide my son into being a young man and loving my daughters in a way that is teaching them how they should be loved...you're the best. 

So all in all... love like hell cause life is short and sometimes really heavy. Search for joy and you will find it. Laugh as often as you can. Hold a place for the people that really deserve a place in your heart. And realize it's sometimes healthiest to let go and love someone from a distance. Take care of yourself and box out a little time just for YOU. 

ALL THE LOVE ❤️ 

One Last Trip

1,967 days ago, I drove into Hobart, OK with a chubby faced, bald headed, blue-eyed, 8 month old, Abram. We had known each other for a whole 15 hours on that first trip to Kiowa County. 

1,645 days ago, Savannah Ann walked up my driveway with red, box dyed hair, the sweetest gapped tooth smile, and a broken sandal. She instantly became my favorite 8 year old in the world and everything Abram and I didn't even know we needed. It would mean more days in court.... more trips to Kiowa County. 

1,175 ago, we became a forever family. I was so happy to be done with those trips to Hobart. BUT......

684 ago God said, "We're not done yet!" And here comes the blue-eyed, fiercely independent, loud, bossy, cuddling, beautiful baby of the family, and many more trips to Kiowa County. 

TODAY, I made my final drive to that court house. After many miles, money, and a million tears, I'm finally done. Next stop, Jackson County Courthouse! 

***ADOPTION DAY COMING SOON!!!***

Peace Out, Kiowa County! ✌️💜

Good News

It's been awhile... yeah. Raising 3 is no walk in the park. I told someone today I'm crazy for taking this on "alone" but when I look back, I know the only answer was yes. 

We got really good news today and we are one step closer to adoption for little sis. As I sit here and think about officially becoming a single mom of 3, I can't help but reflect on how far I've come. I remember making choices...many of them...many years ago...with the thought in mind that it really didn't matter because I wasn't going to have kids, my marriage had failed, and I figured I'd end up old and alone. It seems so dramatic looking back but seriously it's what I believed. 

When Abram came I was sort of like the Grinch...my heart grew three sizes that day. Little did I know that there were two precious girls waiting to fill the other two thirds. 

I couldn't honestly tell anyone that this was an easy path. It's been so hard. So exhausting. It's definitely aged me. But these 3... they are worth it all. I went to parent teacher conferences this week and listened to Abram's teacher talk about him being a leader and easily making friends (talking too much but of course that's no surprise!) He's smart and funny and basically thriving as a 6 yr old spoiled rotten, sensitive, soft hearted, bratty, Pokémon collecting little boy. 

Savannah's teachers talked about how smart she is and what a pleasure she is to have in class. We ended up spending most of our time talking to her archery coach and he went on and on about what and elite archer she is. I take very little credit for who she is. Sure I give her what she needs and love her like crazy. I give tough love when I need to but she came to me resilient and determined. I've watched her blossom into this young lady that's going to be a force in the world. Mark my words. 

Then there's Baby K! I went to pick her up from daycare this week and she attempted to climb the fence to get to me. By the time I made it to the gate, her boot was caught underneath and it took 3 of us to get her out. Bless her teacher's heart I could tell it had been a day and believe me I understand. She's recreating threenager on a whole new level. She loves me fiercely and doesn't wanna ever spend a night away from momma. It took Abram past age 4 to spend the night at Lollie and Pop's. I'll be lucky if she'll stay before Junior High. She's sassy and smart like her big sister and for sure plans to leave her mark on the world. 

Then there's me. Still teaching and loving my students every day as if they're my own... because in the hours they're with me they are! I don't see myself ever leaving education but I'm also opening my heart to some small changes that might be possible in the near future. I'm single and probably too stubborn to co-parent so it is what it is but if you think you have the perfect match and you're willing to keep my rowdy kids for the night, let me know! I'll accept a night out. Lol. 

I'm blessed and stressed and a really hot mess but I really love my kids and I really love me. 

As always, thanks to our balcony people who keep cheering us on. We love you big and we appreciate you.

🙏❤🩵💜

The Ugly Side

I will never forget the day my home was fully certified and ready to accept a foster child/children. I got the call a little before 9 that they had finished everything, I was fully approved, and my home would be put into the system as active. I was sitting on my porch drinking coffee and freaking out so much on the inside. It wasn't even 10 minutes later that my phone rang and up popped the DHS hotline number. I took a deep breath and answered. The lady on the other end began to tell me about a teenage girl that needed a home. My heart broke as I heard her story. She had a child of her own that was placed elsewhere in foster care, her boyfriend was in and out of jail, and she would often run away when he was released each time. I listened, but I knew that this young lady was not supposed to be placed in my home. As a single foster parent, I already knew some of my limitations and I knew this didn't feel right. I told the woman on the line that I couldn't accept the placement. I cried when I hung up because even though I knew this placement wasn't right for me, my heart had already been broken a little by foster care. I let that feeling of "not enough" creep back into my mind and wondered if everything I was doing was actually a big mistake. I still think about her from time to time. She would be an adult now and I wonder how she is. I wonder if she was able to be a  mother to her baby or if the cycle of foster care continues in her family. I never even knew her name. 

So much of what I've observed in my years of teaching and fostering is that it's so hard to break away from generational poverty, neglect, abuse, or drug addiction. It's an ugly truth you come face to face with. It's the ugly truth these children live through. 

I've learned a lot about how luck was on my side. I was lucky that even though we would have been considered poor, I had two present parents that worked really hard to make ends meet. I never knew what it meant to open a completely empty fridge. I never got slapped around by an abusive parent. And never once in my life did I face a situation where the only people in the world willing and able to care for me were complete strangers. 

My children come from trauma. 8yrs, 8months, 15months. All stories different. All stories I'll never know all the pieces to. So what can I do? Sure I can love them. That's not enough. I have to continue to work on me. I work on me so I am able to hold them. I continue to learn about the longterm effects of trauma and how it rears its ugly head in tantrums, control, withdrawal, demanding attention, fear....this list could really go on and on. I just want being "in the system" to stop piling trauma on top of trauma. 

I'm tired. I'm sad. It's hard. And the solution actually seems very simple to me. I want to take care of the people I love. I want the simplicity of knowing my kids are mine and that I won't wake up one day and that any piece of that has been taken from us. The whole process is exhausting. Addiction, incarceration, rehab, reunification, visitation, termination, court dates, attorneys, home visits...  Just when I thought everything was falling into place, that we were so very close to an end, I find myself again knowing there are too many players in this game. 

But here we are and I'm proud of us. I'm proud that we've become a family, one, two, three times now. I'm proud of the determination we've all shown to keep moving forward together. But I'm also tired...very tired. 

Battlefield

12 years ago I was recovering from a major surgery. I had staples across my lower abdomen and I was moving around at the speed of a snail. I also experienced severe insomnia for the first time in my life. Every bit of it was worth it at the time. I was finally filled with hope of getting pregnant. For months everything was calculated... ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, repeat. Month after month the hope slowly faded. I was living in a state of defeat. I was drained, and my marriage was falling apart right before my eyes. 

  The next few years were hard, to say the least. I was faced with a decision to accept the way my life had turned out or create one that brought me back to a state of joy. I made decisions during those years that pulled me back and forth. I was withdrawn at times, while at others, I was partying like it was 1999. Neither brought me joy. I was in a battle with myself. Somewhere along that winding road I started to set boundaries. I needed my circle to be small and trustworthy. I learned I didn't need a partner to be happy, and that in fact, this poor school teacher could build a pretty good life all by herself. 

  The last couple years haven't been without their battles. I watched my dad battle cancer. I've watched loved ones struggle through addiction. I've watched my daughter battle through and overcome trauma from her past. I watched all of us make our way through a pandemic. 

  Looking back, I see how necessary each of those battles were to bring me to exactly where I am now. I am in a place to support my children in finding their true joy in life. What a beautiful responsibility.

  I sit here this morning reflecting in a quiet house. The kids are at daycare, as I will walk into my attorney's office later today and again prepare for battle. I am stronger than I've ever been but not without some level of worry. Check signed, mediation date set, and the looming presence of a possible trial in the future. All of these things combined have the power to take my breath away. The possibility of us ever saying goodbye to our littlest one puts a knot in my stomach the size of the Atlantic. It's all hard and scary and I'd be lying if I didn't say so. 

  What I've learned is not to try and eat the whole elephant at once. I constantly remind myself that I have today, and after the tragedies of this week, that's more than many parents are waking up to. Today we press on. Today I once again prepare to pull out and put on my armor even though it didn't even have time to get dusty yet. I will fight for you baby, just like I fought for your brother and sister. I will do everything in my power to give you every chance in life to find and hold tight to your joy. 

Where's MY dad?

I knew eventually he'd get to the age where he wanted to know about his dad. It was bedtime and we were having a silly lighthearted conversation about a little girl in his class that he always says is so pretty! He said "maybe when I'm big I will marry her!" Then we giggled and he stopped and said "noooo...you know who I'm gonna marry?" I said no. He said "You, momma!" I told him I can't marry him cause I'm his mommy and people can't marry their mommy. He said "can they marry their dad?" I said no. He then said "my dad is in heaven". Those words were like a dagger to my momma heart. We've talked about his dad but in that moment I realized he just didn't at all understand. I told him his dad is not in heaven but he does live far far away. I explained the best I could to a 5 year old that when he was a baby, his dad wasn't healthy and he couldn't take care of him and so he came to be my little boy forever. He asked me if Pop can be his dad. I told him no because Pop loves being your Pop so much. We talked for awhile about families and how each one is different. He said "I love you mom and you're my momma!" The whole conversation was simple and straightforward to him. It left me feeling quite gloomy. You see, I've never met or even spoken to his dad. There's not one single thing I can tell him about his dad. No funny stories. No faces that he makes can I ever say "you look just like your dad". I've got nothing and it's just sad. He has a brother in California. They've spent some time together when he went to visit his grandparents. They look a lot alike. I wish they could have a closer relationship and hope someday they do. I know there will be more questions along the way. I pray I have the words. 

Sav has recently began writing her dad. It has oddly enough brought with it a true acceptance of her life without him in it. They were so close and to lose that connection overnight is something I can't even fathom. When she speaks about him, I get a sense it was them against the world. As long as they had each other they'd be alright.  After they had written each other a couple times, she told me that she "just wants her family to know that she's okay and that she's really happy". She went on to tell me that was one of the hardest things was worrying that her family didn't know she was okay. Three years she's held on to those thoughts. 

I'm not even sure the point of this blog...maybe it's just to try and tie up the wondering thoughts in my mind for the past months. Maybe it's to let other foster/adoptive parents know that it's really hard for me too...you're not alone. Maybe it's just about facing the facts. I know what it's not. It's not at all about wondering if I'm enough. I know I can't be a dad. But I do know I can surround my children with strong male role models. Our village is full of them. I know they have a Pop, an Uncle, and so many others that fill in the gaps. I will continue to try and help my children heal from the life that didn't work out for them, embrace the one they have, and love them every step of the way. 

Saying Yes to a Dozen

It's been awhile but honestly it's because my plate is so so full. People keep saying "two is two but three's a dozen". I feel that! The past 4 1/2 months have been full of adjustment but little by little we are making it happen. 

I've had lots of people ask me if I'd adopt her. I've one answer to that question since I started fostering. My agreement with God was "for as long as you need me".  Nothing about that has changed. The answer has a few more layers now because it's no longer just about me. Savannah, Abram and I had settled into life as a little family of 3. My home was closed to foster care and the consideration to ever foster again seemed like it would only be a possibility way down the road....then I got the call. As a family of three we said together "for as long as you need us". 

Saying yes means saying yes to the hard. The visitations, bridging with biological families under undesirable circumstances, court dates, homes visits, doctor visits paperwork and more paperwork, having my own life picked apart under a microscope. Saying yes also means saying yes to an immeasurable amount of blessings. Yes to more love. Yes to snuggles on Saturday mornings in pjs . Yes to taking care of boo-boos and hearing the word Ma, Momma, and sometimes bruh followed by I love you or Luhhhh Yoouuuu. Yes to being able to provide an opportunity for siblings to break cycles of generational povery and addiction. Yes to looking at each of their same big ears and giggling to myself every time. Yes to stability and commitment to make it through this life together. 

Since I haven't written in so long here's a little update on where we're at...

Savannah Ann...The Big Sis. She's 110% preteen. She mastered the blank stare months back that says "you're an idiot" "I'm cussing you out in my head", or "would you please just stop talking!". She's rockin the holy jeans and of course a hoodie in 110° weather. She's making close friends which hasn't always been easy. I think attachment is a scary thing. She's such a great helper around the house and does anything I ask to keep the house tidy. She is a bit unorganized (that'd be putting it nicely!) and that would probably be where she and I butt heads the most. I find out about everything pertaining to her needs or obligations last minute. When she struggles most, she withdrawals from me first. I don't let her. I will chase her to moon a million times to let her know I'm not going anywhere. Like it or not she's stuck with me FOREVER. She is still super passionate about archery and we love watching her in action. She's a smart cookie and when she keeps up with her homework (refer back to organizational skills) she is a kick ass student. We have lots of talks about kindness and about the kids that need it most. She works hard to seek those opportunities to just be kind. I said from the beginning she makes me a better me. I strive to be the example of a strong, kind, compassionate woman that I see her growing up to be. ❤

Abram...AKA King Abram. He thinks he's pretty much the boss of all things. He's more stubborn than anyone I know. Poor kiddo is the only male in a house full of girls! As my 3rd graders would say, he's girl trapped! Even the dogs are girls. He rolls with it. He has his little man cave where no girls are allowed without permission. You can usually bribe your way in with candy. It's been really hard on him to adjust to having baby sister in the house, but I'm watching his love grow for her. More chasing and laughing, tickling and wrestling. More moments where he asks her to sit by him and look at a book or watch his tablet with him. These moments didn't happen over night. There have been growing pains. He's started PreK this year and he loves school, his teachers and especially riding the bus. He's his normal ornery self and made it home with a couple "red faces" this month. Listening isn't his strong suit. He's an entertainer by heart. He could probably start his own podcast at age 4. He's a momma's boy and I honestly wouldn't want it any other way. We work hard though on being kind and respectful and talk lots about listening ears! He's so hilarious(without even knowing it) that even on my worst days I belly laugh at his stories. 💙

Little Sis...Our Gummy Bear. Whew, yall. I wasn't prepared. She's full speed ahead from the time she rises until the time she sleeps. She is quick and she is determined. If she wants something she will find a way. She can climb anything...I mean anything. She falls and gets right back up. She loves her family. She follows Sav around and watches her fixing her hair or cleaning around the house. She seizes every opportunity she can to dig in Savannah's box of fidgits even though she knows Savannah will get mad. She actually likes that part too as she smiles and giggles when anyone in the house chases her to get things she's not supposed to have. She thinks everything Abram does is funny and when he plays with her it makes her happiest. I have a feeling they will grow to be very close. She's an observer and wants to mimic any adult behaviors she sees. She wants to help wash dishes, fold laundry and help Pop pull weeds. Like the other two, she's a dog lover. She calls me Ma. 💜

As for me, I go to bed exhausted every. single. day. BUT my heart is so full. Self care has become more of a struggle and I know I must take care of me. I miss my monthly massge sessions and little things like having regularly shaved legs! I'm living on lots of coffee and lots of love right now. As we continue to find our groove, it'll all fall back into place. I am grateful for the hard as I've learned so much about GRACE. It has become the driving force for how I live my life...both giving it to myself and extending it to others. 💛

Thank you to all that love me and my children. Thank you for prayers, good vibes, amd well wishes. Sending my love right back to you! 

Sugar Plum

She's sugar and spice and everything nice...

She also has a temper and a scream bigger than seems necessary for that little body of hers. I'm learning more about her every day and love figuring out the things that make her giggle and smile. 

 I really thought in December of 2019 that our little family was complete. I was more than okay with that then. As 2020 passed by, we settled into just being a family. We enjoyed the long spring and summer and the extra time it leant us to just be. We grew in so many ways. In a million ways it was perfect, but somewhere in the midst of the long quarantine, my heart began to stir. Although I didn't miss the paperwork, the home visits, or the court dates, I missed foster care. Maybe it was that, or maybe it was a precious baby girl that I knew was maybe supposed to be a part of our family. I tried to push the thought aside but she was always there in the back of my mind. She already had a piece of my heart. 

On Friday, my mom and I were getting ready for a garage sale when I got the call. I thought to myself, as I listened to them talk, that my response should be "let me think it over". I defaulted to yes instead. I stood there in the middle of my garage sale items and scanned for all things baby. I grabbed the car seat and pack n play, tucked the stroller into the back of the garage and walked back into my house shaking my head. Was I really going to do this again? For her, yes. 

The first night I woke up at around 4am and had a good cry because I realized I had forgotten to feed my kids that evening. My friends assured me if they had been that hungry then they would have spoken up. We were so consumed with taking in this precious little whirlwind that had come through our door. Two days later I almost did it again. That night me and Abram had a lovely dinner date in the kitchen after baby went down for the night. I guess in these moments you realize how unimportant it is to get things perfect all the time. The imperfect has a way of becoming so perfect. The night before all of our first day back to daycare,  school, and work, I had gotten things super organized and was so happy when everyone was in the car, happy, and on time. I think I probably even had a little smirk on my face like "look at me killin it"! We started backing out of the driveway when Abram stands up out of his car seat and says "Mom you forgot to buckle me!" 

The first days are always hard...like really really hard. All you really want is time to bond and get into a groove that works with this newly changed dynamic. Life and foster care don't really work that way though. You sign the million papers, respond to the million texts, and try to talk to all the people that help all the things align.  We've been running around like crazy the past few days but with the help of our amazing family, we're getting through these hard first days. My Sav is so amazing with baby girl. I swear she just blows me away time and time again with her ability to adapt and roll with the changes. Abram is having some pretty big growing pains not being the baby anymore. Let's just be real, I've babied that boy a lot. I wouldn't change it at all though. He's my baby boy forever. He's spending, by choice, a lot of extra time in his little man cave. Who can blame him? He's the only boy in a house where even the dogs are girls! I have no doubt he will adjust and thrive with the changes in due time. 

We're making it work...we might not be 100% killin it, but we're definitely working together and making it work.  Sometimes being a family means making sacrifices on things we want to make sure everyone gets what they need. I am beyond proud of my kids for their willingness. 

We thank you all for the many many gifts that have made this transition so much easier. We ask for your prayers and especially as we travel the road of foster care again. It's not always smooth but we will press on. 💙❤💜

Our Freshman Year?!

I googled "what's the first year callled?" The first thing that popped up was Freshman year. It definitely seems fitting. Is there anything more awkward than a freshman year? Ohhh the growing pains...

I remember my freshman year of school (jr high)...

This was the first year of my life that I cared less about what other people thought of me and more about what I thought about myself. I started seeing the world...mostly my world but beginning to look outside of it and wondering why things were the way they were. I began to form lasting friendships...friendships that still carry me through my todays. I also made some really poor decisions...I wouldn't change them. They molded me, in so many ways, into who I am today. 

FF..Freshamn year of college. I definitely had direction. I knew exactly where I wanted to be. Maybe too much. I had such a plan that I had left no space for a greater plan. I was seriously on that 5 year plan that included graduation, marriage, and babies! I was so focused that I couldn't even see what was right in front of me. If I could go back, I probably wouldn't, but if I did, I'd tell myself to relax. I'd tell myself that I didn't have nearly as much control as I thought I did. Man, I'd like to remind me to soak up the little moments and just enjoy life. I definitely could again say that in this freshman year, I formed some lifelong friendships and made some ridiculously stupid decisions. Also wouldn't change them. I am who I am today partly because of this year. 

Big FF...freshman year of parenting?! I had 13 years of teaching experience and a few years of foster parenting under my belt before I was "official" so I'm not sure freshman status is fair. Not to mention, I absolutely adored and spoiled my friends' babies all the years in between. AND YET, I still have no idea what I'm doing! I told my friends the other day that parenting is just troubleshooting EVERY DAY without a guide. It's kind of hilarious to me that after 5,000 years of praying for a baby that God decided a pandemic was the best time to test out my official mothering skills. I really am laughing as I type this.

 I prayed so hard so so hard. I remember seeing Abram for the first time and wanting to give him the world. Within a month of  rocking him to sleep, I was totally and completely in absolute love with that little boy. It honestly was probably earlier than that, but I was in denial and trying to be everything it meant to be a "foster momma". My heart and his both knew that we needed each other forever. 

A year later, Sister was the icing on the cake. She truly made us feel like a family. The timing of her coming to be with us was so perfectly aligned that EVERYTHING fell into place. Every single heart involved in the process was able to see that we three were meant to be a family. 

Oh my heart couldn't have taken it going any other way. They are mine. I am so grateful...and grateful isn't nearly a big enough word. 

This year has been hard. Our hard doesn't compare to those that have lost loved ones, the frontline workers away from their families, the teachers and students figuring out daily how to navigate virtual learning, those layed off from their jobs trying to figure out how to feed their families...I could keep going. If this freshman year of parenting has sharpened anything, it's my perspective. Looking way outside of me and mine and realizing just how blessed and privileged we've been.

 I am grateful to have almost survived the year of the "threenager" in the midst of a pandemic (ugh is he seriously almost four). Also survived the preteen's whole world being flip flopped. I can't even imagine facing a year like this at her age. Super grateful that life slowed down enough for me to see and really appreciate it all. In the middle of all the hard, we pulled out board games, walked around the neighborhood, played in the backyard, had really hard conversations, trained a new puppy (kinda), watched really good movies, camped in the backyard, went on drives, ate extra ice cream, and loved each other so so much. 

It's impossible to really put final words to this year...but the best I can do is to say I am so humbled that I get to momma them through these hard times. I love them with every piece of my heart and I also believe with all those pieces that brighter days are ahead...for us all. 

Bless you all!! Thanks again and again for all the love and prayers that have gotten us this far. ❤❤❤

Anxiety and Rona

So I'm struggling yall, and I'm sure I'm not alone. I am awake for the 3rd time tonight and the can't breathe or find my grounding feels consuming again. How many of you can't sleep? My digestive system is a complete mess. I have not been directly affected by Covid and yet I've been directly affected by Covid. 

When all of this started, I was obsessed with following the numbers and reading every. single. thing. I could get my hands on. For some reason, if I had all the information, I felt like I could make other people understand how serious this was...and maybe I could get ahead of it. 

It was a false sense of power or security that sent me spiraling before the real spring break even started. I'd like to reference real time here, but honestly I've lost track. This feels like one long nightmare. 

Yesterday our city passed a new ordinance that you must wear a mask when you are not in your house. I am grateful for those that are doing their part to slow the spread and protect the vulnerable. At the very same time, I began to panic and tried to gather information about how this pertained to my little tribe of 3. Can we play in the driveway without a mask? Our own driveway where no one is coming or going? I don't have any idea why, but the loss of something so simple seemed to completely overwhelm me. Another piece of normalcy I'd have to strip from my children? I still don't have an answer and that's probably why I can't sleep....tonight. 

I said to someone the other day, we're all in this storm together, we're just in different boats. I'm not sure why I say corny shit like that, but I do and most of the time it brings me perspective and peace. Right now though, it doesn't matter what your boat looks like...some of the best looking boats are taking on water. 

In all regards, my family has everything we NEED to withstand the storm. You'd think I could relax and just enjoy my Netflix binge like so many have suggested. (Stop crying while the healthcare providers are on the frontlines...stay HOME and watch Netflix) Here's what's weird, I am usually very content with being at home with my children.  I'm not struggling with the loss of gym time (that's one certainty). I could care less that my roots are growing out or that my eyebrows look like tiny bushes above my eyes. What is absolutely awful to me, is that a world that felt relatively safe for my children a month ago, is anything but today. 

My boyfriend is still able to work. Although this is a financial blessing that many aren't afforded right now, it means we can't see each other. My 3 year old cries every single day. How do you possibly comfort a 3 year old whose whole world has been changed from something he can't even see? It feels cruel and unfair. 

I've been disgusted by a comparison that fear somehow equals a lack of faith. I've seen it over and over. I am absolutely not a bible whiz by any stretch, but I know it says God didn't give us a spirit of fear. My interpretation of that is He doesn't want us walking around scared 24/7. He wants us to lean in closer when we are afraid. I don't remember it ever saying that you aren't ever going to experience fear. Isn't HE the one that created me and ALL of my complex emotions? I am a believer and I struggle daily right now with feelings of fear...just for the record. 

I don't say any of this for pity but rather in hopes to let someone reading this know they aren't alone. WE HAVE ALL BEEN AFFECTED BY COVID19. So to the extrovert and introvert, the nurses and the Tiger King bingers, the the old and young, the teachers that just miss school and the ones grateful for a long summer break, my friends that miss the gym and the ones that miss their favorite Mexican food joint, the employed and unemployed, the rich and the poor, you are not alone in whatever you are feeling. 

Stay safe, my friends. 

Halftime

Opinions...everyone has one. They're just like....well, you know the saying. 

I want to share a little story. A month or so ago, I started seeing my friends post about the cat killer documentary. One Saturday morning I decided to check it out. I didn't even make it 5 minutes in, and I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I turned it off. I TURNED IT OFF, and I will never watch it because of how it almost instantly made me feel. It just wasn't for me. I didn't become enraged with the makers of the documentary. I didn't scroll back through Facebook and lash out at the friends who had recommended it. I didn't create a long dramatic Facebook post about it. I simply turned it off. 

If you hated the halftime show, if it made you uncomfortable, you had that same power. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel, but please remember YOU control whether or not YOU decided to continue watching or not. If it made you feel uneasy or like some of the posts I read, if you found it "tasteless" or "overly sexual", you had the power to change the channel. I saw one person comment "It wasn't for me, I switched over to the puppy bowl", and I wanted to applaud them. To those who were "disgusted" by the performance, my question is, how'd you make it all the way to the pole dancing portion? Why didn't you change the channel? Were you also offended by a shirtless Adam last year? Beyonce in 2013? She always puts on a sexy performance. Or was it just the pole that was too much for you?  A common theme I saw was women saying that's not the example that they want set for their daughters or granddaughters, I just hope they didn't hear your outrage and disgust verbalized. I hope not because I hope that in high school she doesn't judge the dance team and cheerleaders or the strong gymnasts in their uniforms and leotards or that athlete in her short tight track shorts working hard for a college scholarship. I hope she sees they're living out their dreams. I pray she doesn't spend her prom judging whose dress is too revealing and whose is appropriate. I REALLY hope she's the one on the dance floor, dancing like no one's watching. Maybe even, God forbid, doing some booty shaking, with her head thrown back, laughing, and loving her life.  I hope when she's in college and she sees that girl that's had too much to drink in the cute skirt and crop top that she isn't disgusted. I hope she's compassionate. I hope she reaches out and helps keep her safe. When she sees other women who have lost their power, I hope she's the kind of woman who will help them find it. 

Here's MY opinion. Take it or leave it. I loved the halftime show. I grew up a dancer, a performer. I believe I was about 12 when I had my first thong jazz leotard. I performed in HOT two pieces and elegant dresses. I felt beautiful and powerful in both. I learned to love the art of dance and the thrill of being on stage performing. I understand that each costume was an extension of the art I was expressing with my body. When I watched JLo climb that pole, it was inspiring. She certainly couldn't have pulled that off in a Moomoo.  But then again, maybe she could! I said I hoped I looked like her at 50, but the chances of that happening aren't slim to none, they're just none. What I do want at 50 is to remember the message I took away from her performance. I want to remember that women are beautiful, strong, and oh so powerful. I want to remember the aftermath and controversy and let it remind me of my job as a mother, a friend, and a fellow woman to lift up and empower other women. I hope to remember that because of the dismay of so many, people started doing some research, some of which I've read in the past 48 hours. I've learned that both JLo and Shakira have used their wealth and fame to support many charities, including helping women and children. I hope I'm always reminded to use what I have to help others. 

To my own daughter, it's your body and your rules. I will raise you guided by my own moral compass but inside you lies your own. I will help you find it and follow it. Society doesn't get to tell you how to feel about being a woman. You get to decide what that means to YOU. I want you to know that standing in judgement of other women is always ugly. I want you to see the girl next to you in class that wears her hair long and always wears dresses to honor her God, and I also want you to see the woman that takes her clothes off to put food on the table for her children, as EQUALLY worthy of your love and compassion. I want you to know that we are all more alike than we are different. I want you to see that bad ass woman with half her head shaved, coaching in the NFL, and cheer her on! Also the cheerleaders on the sidelines and the woman having a cold beer in the stands. I want you to see performances by all kinds of women artists, in all kinds of wardrobes, and I want you to cheer them on! The momma with the toddler having a meltdown in the checkout...yep cheer her on too. (She's me!) Some of your hardest years are ahead. That's hard to imagine with all you've been through. They will be somewhat easier if you learn now to support the girls around you. Love them as they are. It will be a hell of a lot easier if you learn to love yourself. You will be judged at times. Love yourself anyway. Maybe even a little harder during those times. Love your body as it develops and changes. Love it still when you find your "freshman 15" and when you first see cellulite and stretch marks. Love all the beautiful things your body is capable of whether it's running a marathon, performing on stage, or giving birth to sweet babies. When you LOVE yourself, it becomes so much easier to love others. Extend grace to other women. Extend grace to ones you don't agree with, even when you don't think they deserve it. You too will need lots of grace along the way. You will have lapses in judgment and make some big mistakes. You will need others to extend grace to you, and that is perfectly ok. I am always here cheering you on. Be a force, my dear! 

My Tootie

Three years ago, a woman whom I love for it, gave birth to a baby boy. That day was like any other to me. Actually, I was all the way in with Big and Little, living life and uncertain what each of our futures would hold. I couldn't have known that somewhere in a hospital room, my forever boy was being born. He came into my world 8 months later and I knew immediately I'd be lost without him. 

He is so special to me that I often can't put it into words. His existence in my life tested my relationship with God in so many ways and ultimately restored my faith. He brings me joy that I didn't even know was possible. He makes me laugh every day. His hugs and kisses are like medicine for the hard days, and every time he calls me momma, my heart swells with love. I honestly couldn't love him more if he had come from my very own womb. In some ways I love him even more BECAUSE of the difficult path we walked to make it to forever. 

His personality is big and so is his temper. He always knows what he wants and he doesn't mind letting others know either. He's my dinosaur lovin', Paw Patrolin', climbing up and jumpin off, apple juice drinkin', Hot Wheels playing, nappin' with momma, sister pestering, donut devouring, little boy. He sings his ABCs, counts to 10, loves to do his "homework", knows his colors and shapes, and makes the most beautiful scribbles I've ever layed eyes on. Some of his favorite phrases this year are "that's amazing", "I need a ban-baid!", "oh shit!" (I have no idea where he learned that!😬), "here my am!" (Instead of here I am), "you're a jerk" (totally giving all credit to big sis for that one!), "goodness gracious", "what's that noisey?", and lots of "I love you"! 

He loves his people...his village, and my goodness do we love him too. He brings us great, great joy. 

I know this year will hold new firsts and some lasts that I didn't even see coming. I promise to soak it all up. Happy Birthday, my sweet momma's boy. I love you so big!!! 

Thank you doesn't seem sufficient...

To our village...

We wouldn't make it without you. You're the ones that have made sure I had everything I needed to welcome these special kids into my home. You're the ones that sat with me when I just needed someone to listen. You heard me cry and cried with me, you've also been there to celebrate each step we made in the right direction. You're the ride my daughter needs to school at 7:30 when Bubba wakes up sick. You're the teacher that always loves her FIRST and teaches her second. You're the ones that love on my baby boy when I work and look the other way when he drags in that filthy blanket that I have to fight him to wash, even though it's supposed to be in his cubby! You're tagged in and gave momma a much needed night off or girls' weekend. You're the friends of my children. You're my coworkers and friends, my former teachers, and old classmates. You're the text I needed that day, the smile, the encouraging word, the gift card, the hand me downs, the hug, the endless amount of prayers. You are the hands and feet of Christ. You are so many things that I can't even find the words for...please know how dear you are to me...to us. We love you and we thank you. 

Preston, you were such a Godsend. From the moment that the panic set in and my mom started making calls, I think I was on the phone directly with you in less than 10 minutes. You have reassured me so many times along the way. Thank you for seeing my heart and for fighting alongside me for their future. 

Caitlyn, I honestly feel like we're family forever now. You're stuck with us. Thank you for being you. I have no doubt that God joined us so we could make the world a little bit better together. Thank you for all the love you've given to us and how willing you've always been to take the extra time to talk me through it all. Thank you for always listening to Sister's "one more thing".  You're willingness to go the extra mile has not gone unnoticed. This is a new and different chapter, but we sure hope when we turn the pages, we still find you there. 

Patience, Jason, and Harper, thank you so much for the love you give our little family. God made no mistakes in allowing our paths to cross. We are bonded forever by an unspoken understanding of just what this journey means. We love you guys so much. 

Amber, from the moment to stork came to the moment I had our forever date, you've been by my side. You're friendship is more precious than gold. Having someone always willing to lend an ear is what got me through some of the very hardest days. If anyone knows my ugly cry in the past few years, it's you. You've been with me at my best and worst and loved me all the same. Thank you for loving us...you're the best Elmo out there and we're so glad you're ours. 

To my family, from the very moment I took this leap, you decided to jump right in with me. The way you've loved my children has helped them learn what family is all about. I wish I had time to thank you all individually but I honestly could write a whole book. I will say that I am so excited that we have the promise of holidays and reunions and fun cousin weekends that we will forever get to share. 

Aunt BeeBee, Get ready... we have many many Albuquerque trips ahead. It's like everytime life has me feeling a bit in the gutter, we somehow find each other and a way to laugh so hard it hurts. Everytime you see my kids, love pours from you. I see it. I love it, and I thank you for it. We love you so much!

My beautiful and strong Aunts, You are the lighthouse I can turn to when the waters get rough. Your example of following Christ, trusting God's timing, and walking through life with an unshakable faith has been the example that led me to who I am today. You are my greatest cheerleaders when that's what I most need, and also the ones I can count on to tell me the ugly truths. Thank you for the love you've always given me,  that now extends right down to my babies. I love you so so much. 

My Bubba Carl, TaTa, and our Chan-Man, we are so lucky to have you in our worlds. There's nothing better than watching our kids chase each other through the house or splash around on a hot summer day. Uncle Carl, thanks for being the fun uncle that rides scooters, fills up water balloons, and gets into shenanigans with Sky! Christina, thank you for all the back porch talks.  My precious Chandler, I love you so much and I am so lucky that my kids get to have YOU for a cousin. From OU games on the patio to that Disney World trip that we WILL someday take, our memories have just begun to be made. 

D and DJ, aka The Original Gooftroop, we love you so much. DJ we know you'll soon spread those wings and head out into the big world,  but I sure hope you remember that there are two little kids that think you hung the moon, that will always need you to fly back home from time to time. D, you're our rock. You show up when I'm about to lose my mind and all of the sudden I'm not so overwhelmed. You've opened your heart to these kids in such a special way...and everytime on day one. It amazes me. All our lives are better because you're around. We love you both so so much!! 

Mom and Dad, where do I even start? You led by example. You truly taught me that no matter how little you may have, you help others when you can. My childhood is full of examples of you doing just that. If given a choice of where to spend the day, 10 out of 10 times, my kids would choose Lollie and Pops. It's because of who you are.  If everyday I was given the choice to pick any set of parents on the planet, I'd pick you every single time. Honestly, I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me. I know you have hurt along the way with me...you've been through all the ups and downs and ins and outs...and I know you feel just like me today...it was all worth it. 

Savannah Ann, aka... Sassypants, Maybelline, Bernice, Savi, Neena, you are everything I didn't even know I needed. When it was just me and brother I didn't think I had room in my heart for anything else, but God cleared out a big huge open space that has your name on it. The first day I met you, I knew that our family wouldn't be complete without you. I prayed so hard for God to bring you safely to me. You are the most resilient person I've ever known. I am in awe of you, my dear. I told you that God replanted you here because he knew it was where you'd grow best. I have loved watching you bloom over the past year. You make me so proud to be your momma. I am so grateful that your angel voice will forever be a part of my life. You are an unbelievably great big sister. Your baby brother adores you more than you can even realize right now. He will look to you many times in life for guidance and love. I know you will always be there for him. Sis, you make me a better person. Being your momma, is my greatest adventure. I love you more. 

Abram Patrick, aka Baby Love, Tootie,  Brother Bear, the sun rises and sets on you. You are most definitely running the show here, and we all know it. It's amazing how quickly you can wrap people around your little finger. Your smile lights up my life. You make us laugh daily with your goofy little personality.  You make the world a brighter place. I've never been more scared of anything in my life than I was of losing you. I see now how much I have grown in the past couple years...how much God has restored my faith, and carefully put each piece into place, and I know we were always meant to be right here. We just had a little bit of an uphill climb to get here. You were the one that made me a momma, and man did God get it right. Of all the little boys in the world., you're the perfect match for me. Our journey has been long but baby boy, I'd do it all over again a million times just to be your momma. 

Tissue and Confetti Poppers

Time to grab the tissue and confetti poppers. We have a date! 

Many choose not to celebrate. Some even frown upon others treating adoption as a day to celebrate. This marks the end of a primary connection and that is tragic. I completely understand that position and respect that every situation is different, every child is different, and every family dynamic has different needs. For us, that's not what our adoption day is about. We work on our grief in therapy and long heart to hearts. We sing our way through heartache and love each other like crazy on the hard days.  

This adoption is a day of new beginnings. A day that we get to begin walking a new path together with the promise of forever. This day is celebrating two siblings that life so easily could have separated. These two will share holidays til they are old and grey. They get to do life together. They will have each other, and that is most certainly something to celebrate. We have been a family for quite some time now, and we are happy to celebrate it becoming official. Adoption day is a day of thanking all those that have been on this journey with us....some in prayer, others with gifts, and the very special members of our tribe have held us close as tears streamed down our faces, and jumped for joy along with us on days like today. You've held us up when we felt hopeless and you've rejoiced alongside us too. We love you for it! 

It's been a journey of tears, even more prayers, and the acceptance that healing isn't a race but rather a slow peeling back of layers to reveal the you that you were always meant to be....the you that trauma tried to hide. It has been the very difficult task of learning to trust God's timing... Learning to lean in to listen to that still, small voice. It has been full of ALL the emotions that one person can feel...and all of these things have led us here...to ADOPTION!

Brought together by loss, in a state of grief... Now bound together by love, in a state of hope.