I have probably spent more time in my adult life dealing with the emotional, physical, psychological and financial aspects of infertility than any other 10 issues combined and yet it is a topic I've discussed with such a select few. I am going to take the time to share some of what I've learned in the past 9 years. I am sharing this for starters because I think there is so very little put out there about the emotional aspects of infertility and therfore the women that face these issues end up feeling terribly alone.
Today as I scrolled through my Timehop I was faced with the realization that 5 years ago I faced a major operation(this was the 2nd of 4), filled with more hope than I had ever imagined. I was married to the man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with and what we wanted more than anything was to start our family. I came out of that surgery and the doctor said I had the same chance as the next gal now. I can't tell you how much money I spent peeing on ovulation sticks or pregnancy tests...I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep, or even how angry I was that the hospital bills kept coming but the baby did not. I can't tell you how much strain it put on our marriage and despite many other things, I still feel that this was the beginning of how my marriage began to unravel. I can not begin to express the heartache I felt while attending each and every baby shower over the years or shopping to put together the perfect presents for my friends and families little bundles of joy. But I can tell you a little about MY journey and how I got to where I am today.
For starters, the greatest of all, in my walk, are the friendships that have carried me through the different seasons I've faced. Other than my dear mother, who has been such a champ, no one has been there with me through it all. I must say though, God truly has given me exactly what I needed to make it through each part of the journey thus far. I've had friends to just hold my hand, share a bottle of whiskey, bring food after a surgery, or listen on the other end of the phone as I tried to put the heartache I was feeling into words. I have had precious friends to encourage and pray for me and also friends who were facing the very same issues that I was facing. I've seen these same women receive their blessing and this, in many cases, has given me hope.
Here's my public service announcement... I also think that those of you who feel you are trying to be helpful to your friend or family member facing fertility issues actually end up saying all the wrong things! (It's not your fault though!) So, my advice to each of you, stop trying to say the right thing, give the right advice, share someone else's success story, or tell someone how to feel. Just be there.. Listen, let them cry, call and check on them and ALWAYS pray for them.
One of the very hardest things about being 33 and not having any kiddos is the fact that it's changed some of my greatest friendships. When you don't have little ones, your friends with kids kind of just forget you. (I do NOT mean ALL!) I don't think they mean to. .. it just happens. You're not exactly the one that comes to mind as they plan that day at the lake or bowling alley. When your girlfriend decides it's beautiful weather and a great day to hit up the park she flips through her brain file of her friends with kids. Mother's connect with mothers... A common bond over teething, formula, diaper brands, and daycare. A bond that turns into t-ball and gymnastics and will continue with each passing stage. It's the way it is and I've come to accept it but I think it's sad and unfair. I not only miss out on motherhood because I'm infertile...I also miss out on the friendships bonded in motherhood. I sat at lunch a while back with some friends, one of which is a grandma. The discussion went to how being a grandparent is the greatest thing in the world! (And from what I can see in my parents the past year and a half this seems to be absolutely true.) She made a comment that she instantly wished she could take back. I know this because it was written all over her face. I had said "my parents are absolutely crazy about my nephew. It sure seems like being a grandparent must be where its at!" She responded with "you just wait, you'll understand some day!" The awkward silence lasted only a moment before someone else chimed in with a baby story. These are the moments I hate the most. The pity moments. I stood in the parking lot one day with a precious friend who cried so hard she could barely get the words out to tell me she was expecting. She said she had been so worried to tell me. I truly felt joy for her. I ended up somewhat consoling her in that moment. Now don't get me wrong, my own pain was not absent but by the grace of God I was able to rejoice in my friend's blessing! I have countless stories of friends and even family that just didn't know how to break it to me... so I usually end up being the last to know. So for anyone reading this...don't try to "protect" your barren friend from something you don't think they can handle. Just understand that their pain will walk alongside the joy they feel for you. They can handle it...they will handle it...they have handled it and will continue to do so!
I can though tell you where I am today. I am at a place of peace. I don't know how or when it exactly happened. I suppose it came in pieces along the journey. Reconnecting with my first love and building a friendship that I simply can't explain... Sitting in front of a new group of students every year and knowing that I am fully available to them because my heart isn't left at home with a baby I so wish to be putting down for a nap. Maybe the peace came a little at a time when I cried out my heart to God or maybe even on the occasion that I cussed him...or maybe during the soft smile I gave at a baby shower as I fought back tears. I don't even know how it's possible to experience peace in the midst of pain...but here I am.
