When all of this started, I was obsessed with following the numbers and reading every. single. thing. I could get my hands on. For some reason, if I had all the information, I felt like I could make other people understand how serious this was...and maybe I could get ahead of it.
It was a false sense of power or security that sent me spiraling before the real spring break even started. I'd like to reference real time here, but honestly I've lost track. This feels like one long nightmare.
Yesterday our city passed a new ordinance that you must wear a mask when you are not in your house. I am grateful for those that are doing their part to slow the spread and protect the vulnerable. At the very same time, I began to panic and tried to gather information about how this pertained to my little tribe of 3. Can we play in the driveway without a mask? Our own driveway where no one is coming or going? I don't have any idea why, but the loss of something so simple seemed to completely overwhelm me. Another piece of normalcy I'd have to strip from my children? I still don't have an answer and that's probably why I can't sleep....tonight.
I said to someone the other day, we're all in this storm together, we're just in different boats. I'm not sure why I say corny shit like that, but I do and most of the time it brings me perspective and peace. Right now though, it doesn't matter what your boat looks like...some of the best looking boats are taking on water.
In all regards, my family has everything we NEED to withstand the storm. You'd think I could relax and just enjoy my Netflix binge like so many have suggested. (Stop crying while the healthcare providers are on the frontlines...stay HOME and watch Netflix) Here's what's weird, I am usually very content with being at home with my children. I'm not struggling with the loss of gym time (that's one certainty). I could care less that my roots are growing out or that my eyebrows look like tiny bushes above my eyes. What is absolutely awful to me, is that a world that felt relatively safe for my children a month ago, is anything but today.
My boyfriend is still able to work. Although this is a financial blessing that many aren't afforded right now, it means we can't see each other. My 3 year old cries every single day. How do you possibly comfort a 3 year old whose whole world has been changed from something he can't even see? It feels cruel and unfair.
I've been disgusted by a comparison that fear somehow equals a lack of faith. I've seen it over and over. I am absolutely not a bible whiz by any stretch, but I know it says God didn't give us a spirit of fear. My interpretation of that is He doesn't want us walking around scared 24/7. He wants us to lean in closer when we are afraid. I don't remember it ever saying that you aren't ever going to experience fear. Isn't HE the one that created me and ALL of my complex emotions? I am a believer and I struggle daily right now with feelings of fear...just for the record.
I don't say any of this for pity but rather in hopes to let someone reading this know they aren't alone. WE HAVE ALL BEEN AFFECTED BY COVID19. So to the extrovert and introvert, the nurses and the Tiger King bingers, the the old and young, the teachers that just miss school and the ones grateful for a long summer break, my friends that miss the gym and the ones that miss their favorite Mexican food joint, the employed and unemployed, the rich and the poor, you are not alone in whatever you are feeling.
Stay safe, my friends.
