I'm exhausted....Truly exhausted. Physically and emotionally. I'm also blessed and I never forget that. We have started praying at morning dropoff and it's unbelievably precious. We hold hands and close our eyes but we all peek a little. I know this because I peek a little. Our prayer is always similar, "God watch over the boys and bless their teachers and everyone else who looks after them during their day. Help us to remember to be nice to others and bring us back safely together at the end of the day. In Jesus name...Amen!" This morning, Big says "OK, now let me do it!" He mostly mumbled but I heard teachers and nice so I'm pretty sure he gets the idea! The first couple weeks of school, I was spinning. I couldn't get the boys dropped off fast enough because all I could think of was all the things I needed to do to get ready for the next 27 kiddos that were depending on me that day. One morning this week, God said "Slow down. Take the time to invite me into your day."
This journey has been HARD. And by hard, I mean I have looked at my bank account a few times and wondered if I could run away from home. I'm cool with surviving on an island with coconuts and bananas if it meant that I didn't have to be responsible anymore. I mean really Lollie and Pop are kinda awesome and if I disappear then I know they could handle it. God gently reminds me that he needs me HERE. Here to simply love. He didn't ask me to be perfect or to even make it look pretty. He just asked me to open my heart and love. There have been days that that I lay in bed and think wow I kicked ass at "momming" today and there are also days that I feel totally defeated. I just ask myself in both scenarios if I remembered to love...the answer is always yes. So, I suppose I'm doing it right even when it feels like I've done it all wrong.
I've been wanting to write, what feels like a million times in the past couple months, but sleep always wins. I'm telling ya, I'm exhausted. Our days are full of school and therapies and more therapies, and scheduled visits, and as much routine as I can provide. We try to always find time to talk about our days, and go over our school work. I do some pretty goofy dances about the Kindergartener following directions and completing his work correctly. These papers immediately go to the fridge. I repeat the same word over and over and over in hopes to develop speech with little. We high five for standing in front of the toilet...even when no pee pee comes out. I've gained a truly special admiration for all you mommas out there. This summer I got to experience being a stay at home mommy. Wow, that was exhausting. I always felt pressured to keep up with EVERYTHING. Laundry couldn't get behind and dishes had to be washed. I felt obligated to cook. Now that I'm back to work I am so empathetic to the working mommy who has to juggle both. I'm looking in the drawers like "Yeah we have socks and underwear to last til the weekend...no laundry tonight!" "You want that other half of your peanut butter sandwich in your lunch box for dinner?...fantastic!" Big shout out to the single moms who just want to go to Walmart alone. The struggle is real. Keep on keepin on mommas. You're doing great if they're alive and loved!
I wake up with little feet in my face. I have no idea how it happens. I share my home with two Houdini's. I'm sound asleep stretched out in my bed big bed and next thing I know, I'm being smothered by two kiddos and a dog. No one tells you these things. First time I woke up at 3am with a child staring me in the face, standing next to my bed, I screamed. I've gotten more brave. I'm pretty sure the boogie man could come cuddle at this point and I would even know it.
This has been life changing and beautiful. I have gained so much perspective and grown so much as a person in the past few months. Many ask me "How will you let them go when that time comes?" To you, I say "I will never let them go. They are a part of the beautiful tapestry of my life. They are a part of me and my story as I am of theirs. They have changed me for the better. They will forever be in my heart no matter the time or distance that could possibly separate us. I will never let them go!"
