I'm amazed at the growth that can occur in four short months. I mean, our hearts are fuller than we ever could've known they'd be. Even our little 2T and 5T jammies are getting a little snug! I think growth is the word that best defines this season of my life. I stepped into this scared...really scared. God just kept telling me to step. Fear no longer has a major role in this journey. I can't say from time to time I don't have worries, but I have grown into a woman that prays harder than she worries.
I love being a mommy. I'm a different kind of mommy, yes, I am Ms. Amanda. Big asked one day recently "are you my Ms. Amanda mommy?" I had no idea what to say. "I am whatever you want me to be." We play a game of "how much do you love me?" We start with our hands really close together and say "do you love me this much?" We laugh and say "noooooo!" Eventually we get to outstretched arms and say "yesssss, I love you that much!" It's always a set up for a hug, which I can't get enough of. He's a morning person. I'm am working to solve the mystery of how one sits up in bed every morning with a huge smile. He has at least helped me grow into a person that can pretend to be a morning person. I smile because he smiles. He makes the mornings sweeter. The angels, yes angels, that love and teach this baby each day comment on how he comes in smiling and saying good morning. His actions are a lesson. It teaches us all to step into each day with kindness and optimism. He is a natural protector. Although he can fight with Little in true sibling fashion, he watches over him in such a grown up way. He never let's him get too many steps behind when we walk. He talks to him about being happy on the mornings that he's just not feeling it. He hates for little to have to go to time out and usually says something like "Ms. Amanda, you are making him berry sad!" He is creative...a true child like spirit we all need more of. Some days he is Pacman. Other days he's Spiderman. Most recently he is Maaaario. And he never forgets his sidekick Luigi. He is curious. Asks as many questions each evening as I answer all day at school. He's all boy. Jumping, rather than stepping, into each day. Life is an adventure for Big.
Little is an old soul. He sits with his legs crossed, sippy cup in hand, watching his Little Einsteins. When he's in the best of moods he claps and shakes his head yes when they ask for his help on their mission. When he's grumpy, he frowns at their questions and shakes his head no. It's pretty hilarious. He watches Big's every move. He watches all of us. He's so observant. He recognizes emotions on a very deep level for his age. He's sympathetic when someone cries. He consoles kids his own age and even me on the couple occasions he's seen me cry. He raises his eyebrows with a very serious look when Big has a fit and sometimes shakes his head in a way that says "buddy this is unnecessary.." . He has a servants heart. He loves to shadow me as I clean house. He holds the dust pan and toddles back and forth to the trash can to dump it. (Most of it ends up beside the trash can! Lol) He loves to help pick up the laundry that falls as I'm carrying it through the house which is extremely helpful. After he pushes the clothes into the dryer and slams the door shut, he looks at me with a rather accomplished grin. This definitely makes weekend laundry a more pleasant task. He is helpful without being asked. If he ever hears me say I'm looking for something, he springs into action. I think I need to start paying him for finding my keys so often. He is not a morning person. He doesn't enjoy being woke up and this bonds us. He stretches like and old man and let's out a few grunting noises. If looks could kill, I'd be dead every morning around 6:30, Monday through Friday. He definitely doesn't want to be talked to right away unless it's the weekend and he's slept until HE was ready to get up. Most mornings, like me, he's happy once he has had time to wake up and shake off the yuck feeling that comes with being on someone else's time. He is tender. When his feelings are hurt, they are really hurt. He is also tender in the way that he likes to hold my hand when I lay next to him before sleep. He sticks his tiny little perfect fingers between mine and all is right with the world. He pats me to sleep as I pat him to sleep. Sometimes he wins. Life is an observatory for Little.
Me, I'm just over here swinging on the pendulum from "Hot Mess Mommy" to the "Crust Was Already Cut Off His Sandwich Mommy". Some days I magically get us all bathed and in fresh pj's, lunches prepared and ready for the next day, clothes layed out next to backpacks, and everyone in bed at a very decent time. Other days, nothing is ready and so I throw a lunchable into the Ninja Turtle lunch box on top of whatever was left in there from yesterday, grab some pants out of the floor and do the sniff and spot check, run around looking for my keys and fly out the door with my hair on fire. I am the mom that even after 2 1/2 months of school, still hasn't managed to remember to bring home a pencil for Big's homework. Yes, we do our homework with crayons. I kinda think it's prettier anyways! I sometimes remember to keep some wipes and diapers in the car in a nice little bag to use as needed. Other times I'm licking my thumb to wipe their faces so we look presentable enough for public. I've dug in the back of my car and prayed for a stray unused diaper a time or two. I don't sleep like I used to. I say the spirit of my sweet, overly anxious Grandma Genelle wakes me up at least a couple times a night to go in and check on the boys. I'm not sure why this is necessary being that at least one of them, if not both, make their way into my bedroom nightly to let me know they are alive and well. I think I'm lucky it all worked out this way. I was at a place in my life and had waited long enough to be a mommy, that I truly am able to appreciate it all. I'm able to realize that it is super okay to not have it all together all the time. It's more about taking the time to notice the little things. To absorb them and let them become a part of who you are growing to be. It's fun. It's crazy. It's everything I thought it would be and more. I love Big and Little to the moon.
At this stage in our journey, my greatest prayer is that God will always make a way for them to stay together. They are a team and it is evident how much they need each other. I ask now that you join me in this prayer. God has a plan and a purpose for their lives. My intention is to always be a part and I pray but have no way of knowing if this will be able to happen. I know that if I can't always be around, I just hope they have each other. Mario and Luigi. Spiderman and Batman. Brothers til the end. 💙💙❤
