A couple hours in, I looked at my friend and said, "This is crazy!" My eyebrows raised and I sat there staring at this baby. She said, "Yup, It's like the stork came." One minute I'm closing up shop for Fall Break from school, thinking about sleeping in and binging Netflix, and the next minute I've jumped back into mommy hood head first. I've decided that case workers should ALWAYS accompany the drop with a box of tissues. The first 24-48 hours are full of shock, self doubt, happiness, sadness, and a whole other range of emotions for which I don't even have words. There WILL be tears. I looked around my house and still had everything you need to care for a toddler but all of the sudden I had a baby in my arms.
Once again I experienced God's love in unbelievable ways. The next days were full of trips to Walmart and coming home to gifts and more gifts. We had new clothes and hand me downs dropped off, soft blankies, little bibs, lots of toys, and more pajamas than we know what to do with. Apparently I'm not the only one that loves buying pajamas. He's the most stylish sleeper in town, for sure! I kept wondering how in the world can I nest with the baby already on my hip? I wanted to do all of those things that expecting mommies do but I didn't have any time. I wanted to wash and fold all the little socks and find the perfect place to put every toy. I looked at the dust on my ceiling fan and wanted to turn it on in order to ignore the neglected chore, but that seemed TOTALLY unacceptable now because now I had a baby.
I struggled the first few days because everything was a mess and I really like order. This stems from fertility issues and lacking any control whatsoever. I'd also say it heightened in a big way during the chaos of an unraveling marriage and divorce. I took control of the things I could, including a tidy house. God is funny in this way. He takes these moments to show us what's important. I have learned the last couple weeks that the dishes and laundry will NEVER all be done again. There is always a bottle that needs washed or a bib that needs run through the wash cycle. There are crumbs on the floor and yes even diapers that lay for way too long on the end table because we are busy playing. I look around right now as Baby Love is napping and I see a thousand things that need done. They're not that important. Not as important as watching him sleep...listening to his little snore...adoring how he pokes his little lips out and makes a sucking sound...seeing those occasional smiles while he sleeps and wondering what babies dream about.
I can't lie to you and say that life without Big and Little has been easy. My eyes fill with tears often, and I miss them like I've never missed anyone or anything in my life. Baby Love doesn't fill that void but I've found there's a whole new place in my heart that God made just for him. There's room. He has filled me with new joy and hope. Once again, this is a journey of unknowns. We don't know how long we have together but we have TODAY. SO, today we will work on growing new teeth, we will drool all over Ms. Amanda, we will play in the floor and practice crawling, we will visit Lollie and Pop and cheer on the Sooners, we will nap, we will snuggle, and most importantly we will love. 💙
