I'm a little over two weeks from being two years into this thang. Two whole years and yet I remember it like it was yesterday...sitting in my classroom, one day as the school year was winding down and making the decision to finally say yes to fostering. I remember filling out some online paperwork and thinking oh my gawd...I have to tell my mom what I've just done. I was contacted later that same day. Within a few weeks I had completed my training, paperwork, and home study and had Big and Little. The need is really that great and two years in, I see it clearly. I'm not sure if I considered the big picture or if I just went out on a limb. I know for sure that I really had no idea of what I was actually getting myself into. I know for sure that I had no idea that almost two years later I'd be where I am today...simply for saying "yes I will". It's so absurd to me that this was the divine time that God wanted to use me for this...really... Like the Fresh Prince, I felt like "my life had been flipped turned upside down". My classroom was completely packed and I was being moved across town to teach in an all new building with almost all new people. I was still only a few years past my divorce and still very much working on ME.
In the midst of all these changes I learned some very valuable lessons. My joy isn't dependent on my current circumstances. My joy comes from a promise that is much greater than I can even comprehend most days. The next year was hard to say the least and this one equally as hard, but I'm starting to reflect on just how God has fulfilled his promises in my life. I thought "God works for the good of those that love Him..." meant that if I was just good enough and prayed just hard enough, that I would get the things that I wanted. I've learned that sometimes that doesn't happen but sometimes...sometimes something better does. And sometimes it doesn't but we then have a testimony that helps bring us closer to those that are also hurting. Those times when things are all wrong are the times we connect the most with others.
My family is full of praying women. This is good. I've asked for an abundance of prayer the past two years. They deliver. Then HE delivers. I had a conversation with my mom after Baby came and I said "Mom, we just have to continue to pray for God's will." She said "Well, I won't because God already knows what I really want so I'm just gonna pray for that!" I pray for that too sometimes.
We are far from knowing exactly what the future holds for Baby and I but I will tell you that in the last month I've learned the true meaning of praying without ceasing. I've rocked that precious baby boy every night and repeatedly prayed for God to intervene on a pending situation. I've driven him to daycare praying that same prayer. I layed in bed night after night whispering those words. I received news yesterday that had me standing in the middle of my classroom bawling tears of joy and unable to even get out words. I'm believing God felt the thank you prayer as each tear fell.
I told my friend today "I honestly believe I couldn't have made a more perfect baby if I had made him myself." His parents made a perfect baby boy. His perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes. The way his ears stick out and how he sticks his bottom teeth out at me and looks like a little bulldog, then laughs because he knows he's funny. When he's on his way to do something that he knows he's not supposed to do, he shakes his head no but keeps a movin'. He loves birds and looks for them every time we go outside. He has a great big temper and really really really always wants his way. We are learning slowly that's not how it works unless of course you're at Lollie and Pop's house. Did I mention I think he's perfect though? His laugh...perfect. His smile is absolutely perfect. The way he flips the pages when we read books...uhm perfect! This is a super fun stage of development when they start to really interact with you. Every day he amazes me with something new he's learned to do. I never saw it coming but I'm "that mom" that thinks everything her kid does is PERFECT! My promise to all of you is that if he stays with me I'll get this into check by the time he's in JH/HS...I won't be trying to tell the coach he needs more time on the court if his basketball skills turn out anything like mine. Seriously though, I just love him. I love everything about him...even on the hardest days. I love him unconditionally.
When we are around people, they say "awww, he calls you momma" Welp, "momma" is his word for when he wants something and apparently I'm usually the person he thinks should deliver. He says momma to the scary burly guy in the grocery store when he just wants to be rescued from the cart. You too can be momma if you show up with a puppy, cookie, or milk! I struggle with "momma". I mean I know that's who I am to him. I'm everything momma is supposed to be, but I have this horrible image of him having to leave me and screaming "momma" as he goes. I know that's what keeps me from it. I still refer to myself as Ms. Amanda for now but he will call me whatever he wants and that is another thing that is perfect to me.
For today my prayers are all thank yous for answered prayers. I'm sure in the next little while I'll have another specific request that God may or may not be ready to grant. I'll pray anyway. I'll hang on to my joy. I'll love this baby boy with all I am and all I have. Our favorite books says "I love you through and through. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too!" Yes I do Baby Boy! 💙
