I truly walked into today with confidence. I felt good about what would happen in court. I had played through each of the scenarios that seemed possible for weeks in my head and worked hard to prepare my heart for any of the outcomes I'd imagined. It was finally here...a termination hearing.
All the boxes had been checked, all the ducks seemed to be in a nice little row, and in my heart I believed that God and the judge on that stand were about to free my baby boy for me to adopt. He's been with me over 20 months. We haven't heard a peep from his mother in over 6 months, nor has she made any effort to stay in touch with her attorney or DHS. His dad has been MIA since the day he came into custody. We had the paternal grandparents that surfaced this time last year and decided to pursue custody. God worked on all our hearts and in the past year, we somehow became united in what was best for our boy. We've openly communicated, met halfway to exchange our sweet boy for visits, and finally agreed that an open adoption was best for everyone. They are slowly but surely becoming more like family. I've never met A's dad but oddly enough his parents are starting to feel like inlaws. It's been a whirlwind of emotions, family team meetings, court dates, more court dates, rehabs, arrests, visits, no visits, calls, and no calls. It's been crying my heart out to God and sometimes it's crying myself to sleep. I've experienced hope, and unbelievable frustration. I've felt all the highs and all the lows that are foster care. I really had high hopes that today would be the day that all of that became a part of the back story of the rest of our lives...together.
Sis has been with us for 9 months. It's weird to say that because it seems like she's always been a part of our story. Bub and I couldn't imagine life without her. Since there's been so much less time that she's been in custody, I was totally prepared for the judge to leave the door open today on her parental rights, especially where dad is concerned. He surfaced...well semi surfaced a few weeks back. He had been in contact with his attorney and spoke about being willing to relinquish his rights in an open adoption. The sympathetic side of me understood that he knows what's best for her but can't really phathom NEVER being able to see her again. The momma bear in me was pissed the fuck off that he would even think this was an option. I want to scream at him "YOU WERE HER PERSON!!!" We haven't heard from him since October. He just walked away and didn't look back. I've held her while she cried herself to sleep, drive her weekly to therapy so she can process the feelings of abandonment and betrayal, and been everything to her that a momma should be. No, you don't just get to walk in and out of my girl's life. She deserves so much more.
Today, none of that mattered. It was all in the past and it had all led to THIS...
My mom went with me. She's my greatest support....always. We waited, what seemed like forever outside the court room. Several families went in and back out but our name wasn't called. Finally people started filtering out of the court room. I see familiar DHS faces, attorneys, and even the judge. The case worker stops to tell us the judge wanted to talk with everyone outside of the courtroom and be briefed before we started our case. They all went into what seemed like a super secret room where super secret information would be shared. My mind raced, and I wished more than anything that I could be a fly on the wall. We waited some more. Finally a familiar face emerged from the room. She was in a hurry but said this walking by, "good news, and uhhh delayed good news." I really don't know what this means but I scroll through my brain files of possible scenarios. I looked at mom and briefly we both came to the conclusion that they would be terminating parental rights for brother bear and we would have to wait awhile longer for sister to be ours. I could live with that. I had prepared my heart for this scenario. A few minutes goes by and she comes back to explain what she meant. "There was an error in the publication for 'Baby A'. We will have to re-publish and set a new date. Everything is squared away for sister though."
What??? An error. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. As she walked away, I could feel the sting of tears filling my eyes. We hadn't even been into the court room yet so I knew I had to keep it together. I walked to the bathroom and gained my composure. I sat back down with mom and I looked at her. She was just as shook as I was. I didn't know what to say or even what to think. Almost like a wave coming over me, God spoke to my heart. "You have to remember that HER being yours is JUST as important as him being yours." The privilege and responsibility of being both of their parent has to hold equal importance in my heart. That's not always been the easiest. God wanted me to hear that message loud and clear today and boy have I!
We started with sisters case and I'm not lying when I say it lasted less than 5 minutes. The judge asked the DA to speak. He spoke that publication had been complete and asked for termination of parental rights. The judge allowed both parent's attorneys to speak (neither parent was actually present),but didn't seem to care much at all what they had to say. He told them both that their clients had had plenty of notification and still weren't present. He quickly terminated rights. The judge thanked me...yea..never had that happened before. He said "thank you on behalf of the state, and me personally for what you do. I could never do it but I'm so appreciative of you stepping up for these kids." Whoooow...that's it? It's done. We seriously start talking adoption from here forward.
On to brothers case...I am so thankful that the "error bomb" wasn't dropped on me right there in the court room. It may not have been pretty. God knew what I needed and provided that small window for me to prepare. With the error, nothing of substance could happen today. We have a new court date and a CORRECT publication going out soon. It was hard to walk out of there without the outcome I had so desperately hoped and prayed for, but I will hold onto the judges last words "We will be back August 22nd for termination."
The drive home from court was full of phone calls to family. We are all so excited that sister is going to be forever ours. No one is more excited than she! When I finally got to talk to her and told her the judges decision, she screamed and grabbed me so tight. We wept tears of joy, together, in one another's arms. She kept saying "I get to be with you FOREVER!" We went to lunch together and she looked across the table at me and smiled. She said "Mom, you're going to be there when I'm a teenager, and when I get married, and when I have a baby...ohhh I know you're gonna cry when you see my baby for the first time!" Yes, my sweet girl, I'm going to be there for all those things, I'm going to be there for YOU.
I am so grateful to God that He trusted me . I am so grateful that he is constantly teaching me how to better trust HIM! I have all the faith that in the not so distant future, these babies will be officially mine, and we can continue on writing the stories of each of our lives...together!
