The process is filled with unknowns. How long will they be with me? Will their parents work their plans? Will there be visits? Reunification? When is the next court date, and what will happen? It's extremely hard to navigate emotionally. I'm a planner and for so many things to be out of my control, has truly tested my faith and grown my trust in the idea of "what's meant to be, will be". There have been days of extreme sadness and fear and days where tears of joy fell uncontrollably. Somedays both were mixed all together. It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. Every little piece has led to now, and now is right where we want to be.
Along the way, I felt like when we could get to adoption that I would feel an overwhelming sense of relief, and we would begin moving forward without much struggle. There is now a whole new path but it will not always be smooth.
Sister is struggling off and on with the permanency of it all. She is happy about adoption but that happiness is still walking hand in hand with the grief and trauma of losing everything she ever knew as normal for the first 8 years of her life. Last week, we had Big and Little over for a sleepover and she asked me, "how did their mom get them back from you?" I realized in that moment that she still does and may always feel "taken" from her family. How hard for her. How hard for me. We had a good long talk , as we have a hundred times before. I like to tell her that God planted her where he knew she could bloom best. She struggles with wondering why she wasn't "enough" for her parents to do the same thing Big and Little's mom did for them. I am aware it will be our lives work to accept all the reasons we ARE ENOUGH. She is so smart and so aware of the hard truths of addiction and all the disappointment and heartache that comes from loving an addict. It truly bonds us to share this understanding.
I don't want to leave you with the impression that this is more heavy on the difficult than joyful side. Sister randomly says things like, "this is the greatest day of my life!" "I really am living my best life!" "I love our family so much!" When I ask her, if she had a choice, where she'd want to be, she always chooses with me and brother, as a family forever. She is the best big sister. They spend quality time together and genuinely love each other. I call her the "baby whisperer" because when he's in full meltdown mode, she has a magic power to bring him out of it. I know that they wouldn't be complete without each other. It was always God's plan to bring them together, and I am so grateful for that.
My current struggle lies in the decisions I will make from here. I am a protector and I know that when possible I have to shield their little hearts from unnecessary trauma. I have to be willing to make the tough decisions to exclude people from our lives that cannot commit to healthy relationships. I fear that someday this will make me the bad guy. On the flipside, I'm hopeful that they will grow to understand that I only wanted to make the choices that caused the least pain and led to the most growth.
When I think about the couple weeks that brother spends in California each year and how hard it is for my momma heart, it causes my heart to break for their natural mother. Sure, her choices led to this, but she is not without the same heartache I feel. To be separated from your babies, and at the mercy of another human being to find out any or no information about how they are and what kind of little people they are growing into. I only have to feel this longing for a couple weeks at a time. She will feel this for a lifetime. I pray for her. I honestly pray that someday we will be able to establish a healthy relationship in which she can be a part of our family. That is in God's hands. I will make the tough decisions, day by day and year by year. I will ask God to continue to break my heart for what breaks His. Show me the next right step and help me remember that love is full of compassion and stories of redemption.
The next chapter will begin soon. I believe it will be full of beauty and triumph. We are happy. We are blessed. We continue to grow. As always, we appreciate your love, support, and prayers! 💙🥰❤
