Friday, November 10, 2023

FortyTwo

This was my birthday week and with that has come a great deal of reflection. I have thought of all the ways that my life brings me joy but also the ways it has broken my heart. I was loved and spoiled by my people, but to be completely honest, life has been heavy lately. I'm carrying a deep sadness for myself and so many around me. For weeks it's been phone calls or opening Facebook to hear of the passing of loved ones. There's a whole community hurting over a young man taken so early from us. He had a smile that lit up any room. My heart breaks for his momma, his uncles, his friends. My family has lost two loved ones this week alone. There's been death, sickness, doctors visits, addiction, broken relationships, lost friendships, and dreaded cancer diagnoses. It just feels heavy.  Life is fleeting and if anything, I am seeing more than ever how important it is to grab on and love your people the best you can. So the heavy feels really heavy right now but I am always determined to find the joy. Let's talk about that for a moment. 

Savannah continues to amaze me. She's strong and capable in ways statistics would have told her she could never be. She works so hard in school, taking AP classes, and consistently showing me how bright she is. She's still singing beautifully and her voice is one of the greatest blessings in my life. Music is how she connects with her feelings on a deeper level. She's not one to always share how she feels in words but if you just check out what play list she's on, you will know. Her shower and bedroom concerts (that the neighbors can most likely also hear) bring a smile to my face every time. She made all region choir this year, and has now made it to the second round of all state choir auditions. She's pushed through some major anxiety and become a real goal chaser. I am so excited for archery season and to watch her shine again. I'll never get over how good she is...and how much it's developed her in so many other areas of her life. 
She loves deep like me and because of that she hurts deep. She's in the swamps of teenage drama and love. Parenting her right now has been one of the greatest healing and growth phases for me. As I listen and advise her on friendships and boys, I learned that I have always struggled with healthy boundaries myself. As I ask her to keep people in her circle that lift her up and bring her joy, I'm learning how important it is that I lead by example. I'm telling her that just because someone was once a very important part of your life doesn't mean you always have to save a seat at the table for them, and I'm swallowing that hard truth too. I am learning as much, and probably more, from her than she's learning from me. SHE is beautiful in all the ways and I am so lucky I am her momma. 

Abram...my eyes fill with tears all the time when I see how my baby has turned into a boy right before my eyes and it's all happening so fast. Last week, I got to go watch his music program. I cried during the first song... and it was Ghostbusters, yall. Who cries to Ghostbusters? But seeing him up there with that toothless grin just singing his heart out touched a place so deep in my heart that I can't really put it into words. He's such a freaking cool kid. He's like 80s style cool. He loves to be outside and be with friends. He rocks his own style and the cutest thing ever is he's started the "tall sock" trend among his friend group. He's doing great in school and watching him learn to read has to be one of my favorite parts of parenting so far. He's also killing it on the soccer field and although his fan club changes from week to week, we are loud and proud. He scores a lot but that's far less important to me than the toughness and the pure hustle I've seen in him. My dad always teased me when I bought my Traverse and called it my soccer van. Well, I'll proudly drive that "soccer van" out to the freezing cold soccer fields anytime to watch my little boy do his thing. HE is amazing in all the ways and I am so lucky to be his momma. 

Kaydence...she has the fierceness to change the world and the heart to do it the right way. She is the ultimate snuggle bug. No one, and I mean no one, gives a better hug than K. She squeezes in a way that let's you know she's filling you up with all the love she has for you. If you are loved by K then it is easy to see that she gives and receives love in the love language of physical touch. I often say she is unbothered by authority. You may call it strong willed. I sneak in to the end of ballet class each week and watch her cut in line. She's very aware of how lining up is supposed to work and we talk about it each week after class, but she's also aware that it is much more fun to just go for it (whatever it is). She is just really really busy living her best life and she doesn't really see it as her problem if that doesn't fit within your guidelines of acceptable behavior. Who she is as a whole makes her the kind of friend you'll want in your corner. I promise she will be the one to stand up in class and tell the teacher he's being ridiculous calling you out for dress code. She'll be the one that hugs you tight when your hearts been broken. She's the one that will say let's pack our bags and go on an adventure. She is the baby but she stands up with her own authority for herself the people she loves. SHE is fierce in all the ways and I am so lucky to be her momma. 

As for me, it's hard. As you can see, I'm parenting three kids with busy schedules and very different sets of needs. There are days I'm a bit lonely even in the midst of the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I think it would be great to have someone significant in my life to share the load and help fill my cup. But most days I'm grateful there's not anyone else that needs something from me because I really don't have it to give. The work of motherhood is hard and often selfless. I know I need to find pieces of time just for me and that's a current reflection I plan to really work on this year. I can't say enough how incredibly happy I am at my new position at work. I work with two of the most wonderful women who are friends that are quickly becoming more like family. We help support a great group of teachers and serve over 100 awesome students each day.  We laugh and cry and support each other in a way that is truly beautiful. 
And of course my friends and family... your love and support keep me going. Laughter really is the best medicine and I am so grateful for my people that keep me laughing. To my mom who helps with a million things every week while also pouring love into everyone around you. You're the real MVP. To my dad who is always helping guide my son into being a young man and loving my daughters in a way that is teaching them how they should be loved...you're the best. 

So all in all... love like hell cause life is short and sometimes really heavy. Search for joy and you will find it. Laugh as often as you can. Hold a place for the people that really deserve a place in your heart. And realize it's sometimes healthiest to let go and love someone from a distance. Take care of yourself and box out a little time just for YOU. 

ALL THE LOVE ❤️ 



Wednesday, March 8, 2023

One Last Trip

1,967 days ago, I drove into Hobart, OK with a chubby faced, bald headed, blue-eyed, 8 month old, Abram. We had known each other for a whole 15 hours on that first trip to Kiowa County. 

1,645 days ago, Savannah Ann walked up my driveway with red, box dyed hair, the sweetest gapped tooth smile, and a broken sandal. She instantly became my favorite 8 year old in the world and everything Abram and I didn't even know we needed. It would mean more days in court.... more trips to Kiowa County. 

1,175 ago, we became a forever family. I was so happy to be done with those trips to Hobart. BUT......

684 ago God said, "We're not done yet!" And here comes the blue-eyed, fiercely independent, loud, bossy, cuddling, beautiful baby of the family, and many more trips to Kiowa County. 

TODAY, I made my final drive to that court house. After many miles, money, and a million tears, I'm finally done. Next stop, Jackson County Courthouse! 

***ADOPTION DAY COMING SOON!!!***

Peace Out, Kiowa County! ✌️💜

Friday, February 17, 2023

Good News

It's been awhile... yeah. Raising 3 is no walk in the park. I told someone today I'm crazy for taking this on "alone" but when I look back, I know the only answer was yes. 

We got really good news today and we are one step closer to adoption for little sis. As I sit here and think about officially becoming a single mom of 3, I can't help but reflect on how far I've come. I remember making choices...many of them...many years ago...with the thought in mind that it really didn't matter because I wasn't going to have kids, my marriage had failed, and I figured I'd end up old and alone. It seems so dramatic looking back but seriously it's what I believed. 

When Abram came I was sort of like the Grinch...my heart grew three sizes that day. Little did I know that there were two precious girls waiting to fill the other two thirds. 

I couldn't honestly tell anyone that this was an easy path. It's been so hard. So exhausting. It's definitely aged me. But these 3... they are worth it all. I went to parent teacher conferences this week and listened to Abram's teacher talk about him being a leader and easily making friends (talking too much but of course that's no surprise!) He's smart and funny and basically thriving as a 6 yr old spoiled rotten, sensitive, soft hearted, bratty, Pokémon collecting little boy. 

Savannah's teachers talked about how smart she is and what a pleasure she is to have in class. We ended up spending most of our time talking to her archery coach and he went on and on about what and elite archer she is. I take very little credit for who she is. Sure I give her what she needs and love her like crazy. I give tough love when I need to but she came to me resilient and determined. I've watched her blossom into this young lady that's going to be a force in the world. Mark my words. 

Then there's Baby K! I went to pick her up from daycare this week and she attempted to climb the fence to get to me. By the time I made it to the gate, her boot was caught underneath and it took 3 of us to get her out. Bless her teacher's heart I could tell it had been a day and believe me I understand. She's recreating threenager on a whole new level. She loves me fiercely and doesn't wanna ever spend a night away from momma. It took Abram past age 4 to spend the night at Lollie and Pop's. I'll be lucky if she'll stay before Junior High. She's sassy and smart like her big sister and for sure plans to leave her mark on the world. 

Then there's me. Still teaching and loving my students every day as if they're my own... because in the hours they're with me they are! I don't see myself ever leaving education but I'm also opening my heart to some small changes that might be possible in the near future. I'm single and probably too stubborn to co-parent so it is what it is but if you think you have the perfect match and you're willing to keep my rowdy kids for the night, let me know! I'll accept a night out. Lol. 
I'm blessed and stressed and a really hot mess but I really love my kids and I really love me. 

As always, thanks to our balcony people who keep cheering us on. We love you big and we appreciate you.
🙏❤🩵💜