Halftime

Opinions...everyone has one. They're just like....well, you know the saying. 

I want to share a little story. A month or so ago, I started seeing my friends post about the cat killer documentary. One Saturday morning I decided to check it out. I didn't even make it 5 minutes in, and I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I turned it off. I TURNED IT OFF, and I will never watch it because of how it almost instantly made me feel. It just wasn't for me. I didn't become enraged with the makers of the documentary. I didn't scroll back through Facebook and lash out at the friends who had recommended it. I didn't create a long dramatic Facebook post about it. I simply turned it off. 

If you hated the halftime show, if it made you uncomfortable, you had that same power. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel, but please remember YOU control whether or not YOU decided to continue watching or not. If it made you feel uneasy or like some of the posts I read, if you found it "tasteless" or "overly sexual", you had the power to change the channel. I saw one person comment "It wasn't for me, I switched over to the puppy bowl", and I wanted to applaud them. To those who were "disgusted" by the performance, my question is, how'd you make it all the way to the pole dancing portion? Why didn't you change the channel? Were you also offended by a shirtless Adam last year? Beyonce in 2013? She always puts on a sexy performance. Or was it just the pole that was too much for you?  A common theme I saw was women saying that's not the example that they want set for their daughters or granddaughters, I just hope they didn't hear your outrage and disgust verbalized. I hope not because I hope that in high school she doesn't judge the dance team and cheerleaders or the strong gymnasts in their uniforms and leotards or that athlete in her short tight track shorts working hard for a college scholarship. I hope she sees they're living out their dreams. I pray she doesn't spend her prom judging whose dress is too revealing and whose is appropriate. I REALLY hope she's the one on the dance floor, dancing like no one's watching. Maybe even, God forbid, doing some booty shaking, with her head thrown back, laughing, and loving her life.  I hope when she's in college and she sees that girl that's had too much to drink in the cute skirt and crop top that she isn't disgusted. I hope she's compassionate. I hope she reaches out and helps keep her safe. When she sees other women who have lost their power, I hope she's the kind of woman who will help them find it. 

Here's MY opinion. Take it or leave it. I loved the halftime show. I grew up a dancer, a performer. I believe I was about 12 when I had my first thong jazz leotard. I performed in HOT two pieces and elegant dresses. I felt beautiful and powerful in both. I learned to love the art of dance and the thrill of being on stage performing. I understand that each costume was an extension of the art I was expressing with my body. When I watched JLo climb that pole, it was inspiring. She certainly couldn't have pulled that off in a Moomoo.  But then again, maybe she could! I said I hoped I looked like her at 50, but the chances of that happening aren't slim to none, they're just none. What I do want at 50 is to remember the message I took away from her performance. I want to remember that women are beautiful, strong, and oh so powerful. I want to remember the aftermath and controversy and let it remind me of my job as a mother, a friend, and a fellow woman to lift up and empower other women. I hope to remember that because of the dismay of so many, people started doing some research, some of which I've read in the past 48 hours. I've learned that both JLo and Shakira have used their wealth and fame to support many charities, including helping women and children. I hope I'm always reminded to use what I have to help others. 

To my own daughter, it's your body and your rules. I will raise you guided by my own moral compass but inside you lies your own. I will help you find it and follow it. Society doesn't get to tell you how to feel about being a woman. You get to decide what that means to YOU. I want you to know that standing in judgement of other women is always ugly. I want you to see the girl next to you in class that wears her hair long and always wears dresses to honor her God, and I also want you to see the woman that takes her clothes off to put food on the table for her children, as EQUALLY worthy of your love and compassion. I want you to know that we are all more alike than we are different. I want you to see that bad ass woman with half her head shaved, coaching in the NFL, and cheer her on! Also the cheerleaders on the sidelines and the woman having a cold beer in the stands. I want you to see performances by all kinds of women artists, in all kinds of wardrobes, and I want you to cheer them on! The momma with the toddler having a meltdown in the checkout...yep cheer her on too. (She's me!) Some of your hardest years are ahead. That's hard to imagine with all you've been through. They will be somewhat easier if you learn now to support the girls around you. Love them as they are. It will be a hell of a lot easier if you learn to love yourself. You will be judged at times. Love yourself anyway. Maybe even a little harder during those times. Love your body as it develops and changes. Love it still when you find your "freshman 15" and when you first see cellulite and stretch marks. Love all the beautiful things your body is capable of whether it's running a marathon, performing on stage, or giving birth to sweet babies. When you LOVE yourself, it becomes so much easier to love others. Extend grace to other women. Extend grace to ones you don't agree with, even when you don't think they deserve it. You too will need lots of grace along the way. You will have lapses in judgment and make some big mistakes. You will need others to extend grace to you, and that is perfectly ok. I am always here cheering you on. Be a force, my dear! 

My Tootie

Three years ago, a woman whom I love for it, gave birth to a baby boy. That day was like any other to me. Actually, I was all the way in with Big and Little, living life and uncertain what each of our futures would hold. I couldn't have known that somewhere in a hospital room, my forever boy was being born. He came into my world 8 months later and I knew immediately I'd be lost without him. 

He is so special to me that I often can't put it into words. His existence in my life tested my relationship with God in so many ways and ultimately restored my faith. He brings me joy that I didn't even know was possible. He makes me laugh every day. His hugs and kisses are like medicine for the hard days, and every time he calls me momma, my heart swells with love. I honestly couldn't love him more if he had come from my very own womb. In some ways I love him even more BECAUSE of the difficult path we walked to make it to forever. 

His personality is big and so is his temper. He always knows what he wants and he doesn't mind letting others know either. He's my dinosaur lovin', Paw Patrolin', climbing up and jumpin off, apple juice drinkin', Hot Wheels playing, nappin' with momma, sister pestering, donut devouring, little boy. He sings his ABCs, counts to 10, loves to do his "homework", knows his colors and shapes, and makes the most beautiful scribbles I've ever layed eyes on. Some of his favorite phrases this year are "that's amazing", "I need a ban-baid!", "oh shit!" (I have no idea where he learned that!😬), "here my am!" (Instead of here I am), "you're a jerk" (totally giving all credit to big sis for that one!), "goodness gracious", "what's that noisey?", and lots of "I love you"! 

He loves his people...his village, and my goodness do we love him too. He brings us great, great joy. 

I know this year will hold new firsts and some lasts that I didn't even see coming. I promise to soak it all up. Happy Birthday, my sweet momma's boy. I love you so big!!! 

Thank you doesn't seem sufficient...

To our village...

We wouldn't make it without you. You're the ones that have made sure I had everything I needed to welcome these special kids into my home. You're the ones that sat with me when I just needed someone to listen. You heard me cry and cried with me, you've also been there to celebrate each step we made in the right direction. You're the ride my daughter needs to school at 7:30 when Bubba wakes up sick. You're the teacher that always loves her FIRST and teaches her second. You're the ones that love on my baby boy when I work and look the other way when he drags in that filthy blanket that I have to fight him to wash, even though it's supposed to be in his cubby! You're tagged in and gave momma a much needed night off or girls' weekend. You're the friends of my children. You're my coworkers and friends, my former teachers, and old classmates. You're the text I needed that day, the smile, the encouraging word, the gift card, the hand me downs, the hug, the endless amount of prayers. You are the hands and feet of Christ. You are so many things that I can't even find the words for...please know how dear you are to me...to us. We love you and we thank you. 

Preston, you were such a Godsend. From the moment that the panic set in and my mom started making calls, I think I was on the phone directly with you in less than 10 minutes. You have reassured me so many times along the way. Thank you for seeing my heart and for fighting alongside me for their future. 

Caitlyn, I honestly feel like we're family forever now. You're stuck with us. Thank you for being you. I have no doubt that God joined us so we could make the world a little bit better together. Thank you for all the love you've given to us and how willing you've always been to take the extra time to talk me through it all. Thank you for always listening to Sister's "one more thing".  You're willingness to go the extra mile has not gone unnoticed. This is a new and different chapter, but we sure hope when we turn the pages, we still find you there. 

Patience, Jason, and Harper, thank you so much for the love you give our little family. God made no mistakes in allowing our paths to cross. We are bonded forever by an unspoken understanding of just what this journey means. We love you guys so much. 

Amber, from the moment to stork came to the moment I had our forever date, you've been by my side. You're friendship is more precious than gold. Having someone always willing to lend an ear is what got me through some of the very hardest days. If anyone knows my ugly cry in the past few years, it's you. You've been with me at my best and worst and loved me all the same. Thank you for loving us...you're the best Elmo out there and we're so glad you're ours. 

To my family, from the very moment I took this leap, you decided to jump right in with me. The way you've loved my children has helped them learn what family is all about. I wish I had time to thank you all individually but I honestly could write a whole book. I will say that I am so excited that we have the promise of holidays and reunions and fun cousin weekends that we will forever get to share. 

Aunt BeeBee, Get ready... we have many many Albuquerque trips ahead. It's like everytime life has me feeling a bit in the gutter, we somehow find each other and a way to laugh so hard it hurts. Everytime you see my kids, love pours from you. I see it. I love it, and I thank you for it. We love you so much!

My beautiful and strong Aunts, You are the lighthouse I can turn to when the waters get rough. Your example of following Christ, trusting God's timing, and walking through life with an unshakable faith has been the example that led me to who I am today. You are my greatest cheerleaders when that's what I most need, and also the ones I can count on to tell me the ugly truths. Thank you for the love you've always given me,  that now extends right down to my babies. I love you so so much. 

My Bubba Carl, TaTa, and our Chan-Man, we are so lucky to have you in our worlds. There's nothing better than watching our kids chase each other through the house or splash around on a hot summer day. Uncle Carl, thanks for being the fun uncle that rides scooters, fills up water balloons, and gets into shenanigans with Sky! Christina, thank you for all the back porch talks.  My precious Chandler, I love you so much and I am so lucky that my kids get to have YOU for a cousin. From OU games on the patio to that Disney World trip that we WILL someday take, our memories have just begun to be made. 

D and DJ, aka The Original Gooftroop, we love you so much. DJ we know you'll soon spread those wings and head out into the big world,  but I sure hope you remember that there are two little kids that think you hung the moon, that will always need you to fly back home from time to time. D, you're our rock. You show up when I'm about to lose my mind and all of the sudden I'm not so overwhelmed. You've opened your heart to these kids in such a special way...and everytime on day one. It amazes me. All our lives are better because you're around. We love you both so so much!! 

Mom and Dad, where do I even start? You led by example. You truly taught me that no matter how little you may have, you help others when you can. My childhood is full of examples of you doing just that. If given a choice of where to spend the day, 10 out of 10 times, my kids would choose Lollie and Pops. It's because of who you are.  If everyday I was given the choice to pick any set of parents on the planet, I'd pick you every single time. Honestly, I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me. I know you have hurt along the way with me...you've been through all the ups and downs and ins and outs...and I know you feel just like me today...it was all worth it. 

Savannah Ann, aka... Sassypants, Maybelline, Bernice, Savi, Neena, you are everything I didn't even know I needed. When it was just me and brother I didn't think I had room in my heart for anything else, but God cleared out a big huge open space that has your name on it. The first day I met you, I knew that our family wouldn't be complete without you. I prayed so hard for God to bring you safely to me. You are the most resilient person I've ever known. I am in awe of you, my dear. I told you that God replanted you here because he knew it was where you'd grow best. I have loved watching you bloom over the past year. You make me so proud to be your momma. I am so grateful that your angel voice will forever be a part of my life. You are an unbelievably great big sister. Your baby brother adores you more than you can even realize right now. He will look to you many times in life for guidance and love. I know you will always be there for him. Sis, you make me a better person. Being your momma, is my greatest adventure. I love you more. 

Abram Patrick, aka Baby Love, Tootie,  Brother Bear, the sun rises and sets on you. You are most definitely running the show here, and we all know it. It's amazing how quickly you can wrap people around your little finger. Your smile lights up my life. You make us laugh daily with your goofy little personality.  You make the world a brighter place. I've never been more scared of anything in my life than I was of losing you. I see now how much I have grown in the past couple years...how much God has restored my faith, and carefully put each piece into place, and I know we were always meant to be right here. We just had a little bit of an uphill climb to get here. You were the one that made me a momma, and man did God get it right. Of all the little boys in the world., you're the perfect match for me. Our journey has been long but baby boy, I'd do it all over again a million times just to be your momma. 

Tissue and Confetti Poppers

Time to grab the tissue and confetti poppers. We have a date! 

Many choose not to celebrate. Some even frown upon others treating adoption as a day to celebrate. This marks the end of a primary connection and that is tragic. I completely understand that position and respect that every situation is different, every child is different, and every family dynamic has different needs. For us, that's not what our adoption day is about. We work on our grief in therapy and long heart to hearts. We sing our way through heartache and love each other like crazy on the hard days.  

This adoption is a day of new beginnings. A day that we get to begin walking a new path together with the promise of forever. This day is celebrating two siblings that life so easily could have separated. These two will share holidays til they are old and grey. They get to do life together. They will have each other, and that is most certainly something to celebrate. We have been a family for quite some time now, and we are happy to celebrate it becoming official. Adoption day is a day of thanking all those that have been on this journey with us....some in prayer, others with gifts, and the very special members of our tribe have held us close as tears streamed down our faces, and jumped for joy along with us on days like today. You've held us up when we felt hopeless and you've rejoiced alongside us too. We love you for it! 

It's been a journey of tears, even more prayers, and the acceptance that healing isn't a race but rather a slow peeling back of layers to reveal the you that you were always meant to be....the you that trauma tried to hide. It has been the very difficult task of learning to trust God's timing... Learning to lean in to listen to that still, small voice. It has been full of ALL the emotions that one person can feel...and all of these things have led us here...to ADOPTION!

Brought together by loss, in a state of grief... Now bound together by love, in a state of hope. 

10th Trip Around the Sun

I wondered if anyone would come?!. It's hard to start something new. Think about the last time you started a new job. You wondered if you'd like anyone that you worked with...would you be miserable or would it be great? Imagine someone uprooting you from everything you've ever known. Planting you in a completely new environment and just "hoping" you'd grow. I'm almost certain we aren't the norm...because she is flourishing. 

I really wondered who would show up for her party. She's been here a year. That's really not so long to build friendships at her age. Most besties, at her age, have parents that are friends and they've "grown up" together. She had to start from scratch with a pretty unsocial mom. I mean, my parents are my besties. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I watched her struggling last year with friendships. I see so much of her mother in her and it breaks my heart in the hardest and best of ways. Her mother is strong enough to have survived things I can't even imagine. She passed that down. Her mother has a whole lotta sass...just like my Sassypants. I am grateful for the strength her mother gave her. I also see the way she has hesitated to form lasting bonds and quickly gave up on friendships. I know this is a learned behavior. Trust is HARD. 

She is blossoming into such a beautiful young lady. 10 years young. She's full of life. She love love loves her family. She loves school and her school friends. She loves her teacher...which I have no doubt,  God handpicked for a time such as this. She is boy crazy...one in particular and I pray he never breaks her heart. Hell, I pray none of em break her heart cause I'm mad just thinking about it! I know they will. And I know that the strength of both of her mommas will carry her through it. She is making friends. She has a bestie, and we are so grateful for Harper. They share the experience of both coming from foster care and into adoption. I mean seriously...what a blessing for them to have each other. I shared with my girl last night that her mother had sent a happy birthday message. Without missing a beat, Harper smiled the sweetest smile and asked my girl if she was ok. She smiled back....nodded... didn't say a word, and they continued making slime. 

She is in between being a little girl and a big girl and I'm so grateful I get to help guide her from here. She won't let the Barbies and baby dolls go but they mostly collect dust while she makes smile and listens to music (singing loud enough for God and all the angels to hear) on the tablet. She is the very best big sister and she's just as amused as I am with all that little brother says and does. She's beautiful to me. Truly and honestly a miracle considering what her first 8 yrs held. 

Her party was amazing. It was full of everything a 10 year old would want. Her friends came. They giggled and had a ball. I worried about the unknown and it turned out to be perfectly fine. I'm sure I'll do more of that along the way, but I also hope I get even better at trusting that things have such a beautiful way of working themselves out.

 

My Sassy girl....I am absolutely terrified for your teenage years. The only possible advantage I can see with you continuing to age is that someday you can help to Uber your brother around cause I'm sure he'll be busy...and Lord knows I'll be tired! 

This year will hold our promise for forever. 

Here's to your 10th trip around the sun. 

The Pages Turn...Now What?

The process is filled with unknowns. How long will they be with me? Will their parents work their plans? Will there be visits? Reunification? When is the next court date, and what will happen? It's extremely hard to navigate emotionally. I'm a planner and for so many things to be out of my control, has truly tested my faith and grown my trust in the idea of "what's meant to be, will be". There have been days of extreme sadness and fear and days where tears of joy fell uncontrollably. Somedays both were mixed all together. It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. Every little piece has led to now, and now is right where we want to be.

Along the way, I felt like when we could get to adoption that I would feel an overwhelming sense of relief, and we would begin moving forward without much struggle. There is now a whole new path but it will not always be smooth.

Sister is struggling off and on with the permanency of it all. She is happy about adoption but that happiness is still walking hand in hand with the grief and trauma of losing everything she ever knew as normal for the first 8 years of her life. Last week, we had Big and Little over for a sleepover and she asked me, "how did their mom get them back from you?"  I realized in that moment that she still does and may always feel "taken" from her family. How hard for her. How hard for me. We had a good long talk , as we have a hundred times before. I like to tell her that God planted her where he knew she could bloom best. She struggles with wondering why she wasn't "enough" for her parents to do the same thing Big and Little's mom did for them. I am aware it will be our lives work to accept all the reasons we ARE ENOUGH. She is so smart and so aware of the hard truths of addiction and all the disappointment and heartache that comes from loving an addict. It truly bonds us to share this understanding.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that this is more heavy on the difficult than joyful side. Sister randomly says things like,  "this is the greatest day of my life!" "I really am living my best life!" "I love our family so much!" When I ask her, if she had a choice, where she'd want to be, she always chooses with me and brother, as a family forever. She is the best big sister. They spend quality time together and genuinely love each other. I call her the "baby whisperer" because when he's in full meltdown mode, she has a magic power to bring him out of it. I know that they wouldn't be complete without each other. It was always God's plan to bring them together, and I am so grateful for that.

My current struggle lies in the decisions I will make from here. I am a protector and I know that when possible I have to shield their little hearts from unnecessary trauma. I have to be willing to make the tough decisions to exclude people from our lives that cannot commit to healthy relationships. I fear that someday this will make me the bad guy. On the flipside, I'm hopeful that they will grow to understand that I only wanted to make the choices that caused the least pain and led to the most growth.

When I think about the couple weeks that brother spends in California each year and how hard it is for my momma heart, it causes my heart to break for their natural mother. Sure, her choices led to this, but she is not without the same heartache I feel. To be separated from your babies, and at the mercy of another human being to find out any or no information about how they are and what kind of little people they are growing into. I only have to feel this longing for a couple weeks at a time. She will feel this for a lifetime. I pray for her. I honestly pray that someday we will be able to establish a healthy relationship in which she can be a part of our family. That is in God's hands. I will make the tough decisions, day by day and year by year. I will ask God to continue to break my heart for what breaks His. Show me the next right step and help me remember that love is full of compassion and stories of redemption.

The next chapter will begin soon. I believe it will be full of beauty and triumph. We are happy. We are blessed. We continue to grow. As always, we appreciate your love, support, and prayers! 💙🥰❤

Intragram

Over the course of this year, I've found myself following several foster families on Instagram. Most of these families are very large, mom and dad, 5 plus kids, huge house with all white decor, and apparently a personal photographer that captures every moment in their freshly cleaned kitchen. Based on the mess I'm trying to keep up with in our house, I'm sure they have a housekeeper.

Last night as I looked through some of these families' pictures, I searched for something that looked familiar...a Paw Patrol toy, some dirty socks on the floor, crumbs...oh the crumbs. Couldn't find it. I started wondering what it would be like to live in a house like that. They all look happy in their pictures. Are they? I asked myself if I was envious...not really. Except maybe the housekeeper part.

I started reading the captions and what I realized is that even though our homes, our clothes, and our pictures are quite different, our stories are much the same. Court dates, prayers, heartache, tears, joy, connection, trauma, memories, and love are the things that fill all our homes big and small. They have the same hopes and fears that I have. They want to share love and stability with their children and they pray desperately that the love and stability they've shown will never again be absent from their children's lives.

When I think back to my childhood, most of my best memories were made in a rickety two bedroom home with all our cousins and friends piled in the living room on pallets. We'd leave the ballfields late a night and my parents would bring half the team home for a sleepover. Mom would grab a couple dozen tacos and we would picnic on the floor. If we had games the next day, she'd leave late to go to my grandparents or the laundromat and wash our uniforms. I wish I could give her a dollar for all the grass and dirt stains she scrubbed out.

I'm grateful for my childhood and equally as grateful for the life I'm able to give my children. Our home is small, but it is HOME. It is full of love and laughter and sometimes it's really messy. I'm grateful that there's not a photographer capturing us at the dinner table, eating Sonic...again.

I'm not really sure the reason behind why I was lead to share these thoughts, but maybe to remind us that we're more alike than we are different. Appearances can be deceiving. Or maybe it was simply to remind us that childhood is precious, and it doesn't need to be flashy to be spectacular.