Cereal and Silly Girls

I sat with sister at the table tonight eating cereal. It was way past bedtime, but we needed a snack and more importantly we needed this time. Life has been heavy for us both. So many ups and downs in the past few months. We talked about some important stuff and then ended up giggling like two little school girls. I kept saying shhhhh so we wouldn't wake up brother, but we just kept giggling. My heart swells in these moments. I can't believe I'm the one that is lucky enough to share this time with her.

We talked about Christmas. She told me that what she's most thankful for is that she will get to spend it with her brother. We already have a tree up and a few presents wrapped and what's this 9 year old most thankful for?...she will be with her brother....for the 1st time. She said she knows that Lollie and I will spoil her and so all she wants from Santa is a bike. Spoil is an understatement. I've already gone way overboard and it's not even December yet.

As happy as I was in that moment, I am scared to death. Brother's future has a whole bunch of question marks beside it right now. I can't even imagine us without him or him without us, but I know it's a possibility. It's heavy. So heavy. When I consider this, I literally have to remind myself to breathe. She knows the possibilities and we've shared several tears and lots of hugs. He recently spent a few days away from us, and we were quite lost without him.

Right now, I will have faith that God has it all worked out, remind myself to breathe, support this little girl whom is dealing with far more than most adults could handle, snuggle my baby boy every chance I get, and probably continue to do a ridiculous amount of Christmas shopping. I will not take a single moment for granted, and I will count my blessings every night as I go to sleep.

Join me in praying that these two get to share this Christmas and many many more together. Pray for the joy of Christmas to fill our home and our hearts. Pray that in the weeks ahead God will give us all the strength to face the mountains. Pray for a little girl who has found hope in the new but most definitely will feel the heartache of what's been lost.

Brave

So I recently was recognized as TFI's Oklahoma caregiver of the month. TFI is the foster agency I used to begin foster care. They visit monthly, check in on any needs we may have, and most importantly keep my butt organized. There's a lot of paperwork and training that goes into this.  It's weird because from a very young age, I loved attention. I loved to be up on the stage singing and dancing. Loved to be recognized at assemblies for sports and honor roll. I got super stoked when my picture made it in the local paper. My cousins and I entertained our family with made up dances and skits. The older I get, the less I enjoy attention. I appreciate the sentiment, but the outpouring of friends and even strangers commenting on me...that's overwhelming.

Someone said I'm an angel. Far from it.  Words like amazing, deserving, and even selfless. Whew. The road that led me here was far from selfless. I did every thing in MY power to become a mother. It was the desire of my heart, and at one point I was determined to stop at nothing until I was able to become pregnant. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars, 4 surgeries, and years of my marriage being completely consumed with the hopes and desire to become a mommy. God kept closing doors and I kept trying to find another way in. It was exhausting. Looking back, it was the opposite of selfless.

God began to whisper the idea of fostering and again and again I said no. I worked VERY hard to discredit...disqualify myself before I even considered giving it a chance. Single parent...not good enough. Two bedroom in a mediocre neighborhood...not good enough. Teacher's income in Oklahoma... definitely not good enough. Apparently God didn't buy into my excuses, and I now know that HE qualified me long before I began to start feeling unqualified.

One day, sitting all alone on my couch, I decided to be BRAVE. I decided that even though this was the scariest thing I could imagine stepping into, that I'd just do it anyway. BRAVE was a decision that I made. It's the only word I'd use to describe me as a "foster parent", and truth is many days I feel so far from brave. There's hurt and unimaginable heartache. There's anger and confusion. There's self doubt and lots of tears. There's a ton of fear but somehow all of that directs me back the decision to continue to be BRAVE.

The rest is me being a mom just like you. It's loving my children unconditionally. It's fighting, along side them, the injustices of the world. It's accidentally letting a cuss word slip when I spill the milk. It's crying and sleepless nights from sickness and pure exhaustion. It's the same anger you feel when someone breaks your child's heart. It's feeding them chicken nuggets...AGAIN. It's teaching them kindness and compassion towards others. It's forgetting to check backpacks and sign papers. BUT MOSTLY it's forgiving myself over and over for not being perfect.

P.S. I don't consider myself nearly the blessing to them, that they are to me.

Miss Sassypants

She's making me a better version of me. I am all of the sudden super aware of what kind of woman I am in all aspects of my life. I guess having a little girl around watching and questioning your every move will do that to you. We did yoga tonight before bed...not because I particularly felt like it but more because she questioned why I had yoga mats if I didn't even use them. I didn't have a good answer and she wanted to do yoga and so we did. It was lovely. After that we each opened a book and read until our eyes were heavy. That was my idea and not because I always read before bed, but because I know I should...and I know she should...and I know if I do...she will. There's been a ton of these same scenarios in the past week. I can't really remember ever being so aware of how I care for myself. Teaching her has opened a window into me. Chasing little boys around for the past few years and crashing into bed at the end of each day has been a mountain of fun. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but raising a lady, well, that's something special for us both.

We've talked a lot this week about her interests and what she might want to get involved with. My heart is happy to announce that she decided she wants to be a ballerina. We bought her a leotard and tights today. I asked her to try it on once we got home so we could make sure it fit. It was adorable and I tried really hard not to squeel with excitement when she popped out in that black and pink looking all precious. I asked if I could take her picture and she rolled her eyes ...cause...uhh... that's just ridiculous that I would want a picture of that. She tried to pretend she wasn't excited. She was though. She wouldn't take it off. She wore them all evening.

She's smart and witty. She's a little bit shy when she meets new people and a little bit over the top once she warms up. She talks back a lot more than I like but speaks and listens with her heart when we talk about the serious things. She knows a lot about a lot and yet she's held on to some sweet innocence through it all.

She's trying hard to be a good big sister but it's so new. She's learning about her baby brother and is quick to tell other people about him as if she's known him all along. Her patience runs out quickly some days. "Why does he cry so much?" "Tell him to stop touching my things!" "Ugh, I can't wait til my room is finished cause he's NOT allowed in there." Most of the time though it's giggles between them, funny faces in the back seat as we make our way through town, chasing each other through the house and snuggles on the couch.

He's learning too. Sharing "your person" isn't easy when you've never had to. When I brush her hair, or she lays across my lap, he looks so betrayed and cries the saddest cry I've ever heard. Each day has seemed a little easier on him and it melts my heart to watch them learn about each other and begin forming the bond that belongs between siblings.

I've lost count of what chapter this is in my book of life, but I can tell you that I can't wait to turn the page each day. It's a beautiful story that's being written. A story of siblings brought together. A story of love and hope. ❤💙

Papa

If you spent any time at all around my Papa and me, then you knew I was his favorite. I know this for sure because he told me all the time. You probably were too. He had a way of making everyone his favorite. His favorite daughter or son in law, his favorite grandbaby, favorite sister, favorite niece or nephew, favorite customer, favorite nurse. The truth is people were his favorite. I have never known anyone as good at people. He enjoyed company. He enjoyed making people laugh. He made your day a little brighter and lighter every time you had the opportunity to visit with him.

I spent the day with him the day he came home from the doctors office when they decided to begin Hospice care. He spent the next couple hours reflecting on his life. He shared some great stories about what life was like as a child and about what a calm and loving person his mother was. I think like most of us would during a scary time, he wanted his mother. He spoke about how hard life was at times and how he and his brothers and sisters helped each other through it. We talked about my Danmama sneaking us grandkids money and him pretending he didn't know...even though he always did. We laughed and cried. After a while he grinned that mischievous Melvin grin and paused. I waited wondering what funny story was coming. He looked at me and said "You know what, I couldn't be more proud of my family." He meant that with all of his heart and in that moment I knew that when God was ready to call him home, I too would be ready.

My Papa worked as hard as anyone. He started out with not much of anything and built a life to be proud of. He was a provider, and a protector. He loved his 3 girls more than anything in the world and they will tell you just how lucky they've always felt that he was their daddy. He spoiled us grandkids just enough and we will tell you for sure that no one got a better Papa than we did. He would say "I would give you $1,000 BUT it would make you too happy!" He loved to tease us. He always had so much fun with us grandkids and great grandkids and I know it's because he never lost his childlike spirit. I've learned so much from him about how working hard for things helps you value them that much more. Up until a month ago he was still working. He never retired. Just a couple days before he passed he was still having conversations about the cars on the lot.

One of my favorite things has always been asking Papa to tell me about his childhood. It was like opening the most interesting history book and uncovering how this man I loved so much became just who he was. My favorite story has always been about him meeting my Danmama. The story goes that they were in a cafe. She got up to play a song on the jukebox and then he used all his change to keep playing that same song over and over. She was so embarrassed she got up and left! He loved her from that day and for the rest of his life. He was such a devoted caretaker during all the years she was sick before her passing, and I never once heard him complain.

My Papa taught me drive. It started out with the few blocks between our house and his. He looked over at me after a couple blocks and said "You're gonna have to pick it up a little. We just got passed by a guy on a bike."  I remember him pulling over in Lawton on the way home from a family reunion and he told me I was driving the rest of the way home. I took over and we approached a curve in the road. I said "Papa, do I need to slow down?" He said "no grandbaby, I usually speed up a little!" That's how he lived his life. He really didn't want to slow down for much of anything.

People say "sorry for your loss" I want to say this. We haven't lost him. We know exactly where he is. I come from a family of believers, and we know, as he would say, when it's our time to pass on to glory, we will see him again.  We also know that even though he is no longer here with us physically, the love and the lessons he gave us will live on forever in our hearts and in the ways we each live our lives. Everything about knowing Melvin Bates was a gain. The laughter, the memories, the unforgettable smile! (Do not be sorry for our loss because we are grateful for our gain. )

Serenity

I don't know that I've ever struggled more to be present in the moment. For weeks now it's like my heart jumps out of my body for safety...serenity...and my brain constantly struggles to try and rationalize it all and put the pieces back into place. I remind myself how important it is not to miss today, worrying about tomorrow. I'm drowning in emotion though.

Everything imaginable about Baby's future seems to be hanging in the balance. Unknown variables in so many areas of my life and so many feelings of uncertainty about what tomorrow will hold. I tell myself all the right things over and over. I tell myself that God has had a hand in everything up to this point and he won't leave me now. I tell myself that God works for the good of those that love him. I tell myself that God has big plans that I can't even comprehend right now. And yet, I fight back the stinging tears constantly. There is a knot resting in my stomach that won't go away. I would do anything to have some answers. Some clarity in the midst of this chaos. I would give up everything I have to know his life will be blessed...that he will always be safe and loved. He is my son. He is my baby. No decision that a judge can make will ever change what's in my heart.

This journey is long. It seems at times that everything is going one way and then it all drastically shifts. It takes your breath away.

I never regret the decision to foster, but I certainly question why God chose me. My heart has been broken over and over again and I keep saying yes I will carry on. He gives me strength when I need it most but right now I need some peace. I feel desperate for a moment to pass by where I actually feel a bit grounded in where my life is headed. I feel desperate to have some confidence in knowing I can face the possibilities should they come.

I am asking for prayers. I am asking my loved ones to flood the gates of heaven with requests on our behalf. Pray for discernment for the judge and all others involved. Pray that love will win.

Just perfect.

I'm a little over two weeks from being two years into this thang. Two whole years and yet I remember it like it was yesterday...sitting in my classroom, one day as the school year was winding down and making the decision to finally say yes to fostering. I remember filling out some online paperwork and thinking oh my gawd...I have to tell my mom what I've just done. I was contacted later that same day. Within a few weeks I had completed my training, paperwork, and home study and had Big and Little. The need is really that great and two years in, I see it clearly. I'm not sure if I considered the big picture or if I just went out on a limb. I know for sure that I really had no idea of what I was actually getting myself into. I know for sure that I had no idea that almost two years later I'd be where I am today...simply for saying "yes I will".  It's so absurd to me that this was the divine time that God wanted to use me for this...really... Like the Fresh Prince, I felt like "my life had been flipped turned upside down". My classroom was completely packed and I was being moved across town to teach in an all new building with almost all new people. I was still only a few years past my divorce and still very much working on ME.

In the midst of all these changes I learned some very valuable lessons. My joy isn't dependent on my current circumstances. My joy comes from a promise that is much greater than I can even comprehend most days. The next year was hard to say the least and this one equally as hard, but I'm starting to reflect on just how God has fulfilled his promises in my life. I thought "God works for the good of those that love Him..." meant that if I was just good enough and prayed just hard enough, that I would get the things that I wanted. I've learned that sometimes that doesn't happen but sometimes...sometimes something better does. And sometimes it doesn't but we then have a testimony that helps bring us closer to those that are also hurting. Those times when things are all wrong are the times we connect the most with others.

My family is full of praying women. This is good. I've asked for an abundance of prayer the past two years. They deliver. Then HE delivers. I had a conversation with my mom after Baby came and I said "Mom, we just have to continue to pray for God's will." She said "Well, I won't because God already knows what I really want so I'm just gonna pray for that!" I pray for that too sometimes.

We are far from knowing exactly what the future holds for Baby and I but I will tell you that in the last month I've learned the true meaning of praying without ceasing. I've rocked that precious baby boy every night and repeatedly prayed for God to intervene on a pending situation. I've driven him to daycare praying that same prayer. I layed in bed night after night whispering those words. I received news yesterday that had me standing in the middle of my classroom bawling tears of joy and unable to even get out words. I'm believing God felt the thank you prayer as each tear fell.

I told my friend today "I honestly believe I couldn't have made a more perfect baby if I had made him myself." His parents made a perfect baby boy. His perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes. The way his ears stick out and how he sticks his bottom teeth out at me and looks like a little bulldog, then laughs because he knows he's funny. When he's on his way to do something that he knows he's not supposed to do, he shakes his head no but keeps a movin'. He loves birds and looks for them every time we go outside. He has a great big temper and really really really always wants his way. We are learning slowly that's not how it works unless of course you're at Lollie and Pop's house. Did I mention I think he's perfect though? His laugh...perfect. His smile is absolutely perfect. The way he flips the pages when we read books...uhm perfect! This is a super fun stage of development when they start to really interact with you. Every day he amazes me with something new he's learned to do. I never saw it coming but I'm "that mom" that thinks everything her kid does is PERFECT! My promise to all of you is that if he stays with me I'll get this into check by the time he's in JH/HS...I won't be trying to tell the coach he needs more time on the court if his basketball skills turn out anything like mine. Seriously though, I just love him. I love everything about him...even on the hardest days. I love him unconditionally.

When we are around people, they say "awww, he calls you momma" Welp, "momma" is his word for when he wants something and apparently I'm usually the person he thinks should deliver. He says momma to the scary burly guy in the grocery store when he just wants to be rescued from the cart. You too can be momma if you show up with a puppy, cookie, or milk! I struggle with "momma". I mean I know that's who I am to him. I'm everything momma is supposed to be, but I have this horrible image of him having to leave me and screaming "momma" as he goes. I know that's what keeps me from it. I still refer to myself as Ms. Amanda for now but he will call me whatever he wants and that is another thing that is perfect to me.

For today my prayers are all thank yous for answered prayers. I'm sure in the next little while I'll have another specific request that God may or may not be ready to grant. I'll pray anyway. I'll hang on to my joy. I'll love this baby boy with all I am and all I have. Our favorite books says "I love you through and through. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too!" Yes I do Baby Boy! 💙

There's a first time for everything...

It's amazing how often I look at my life right now with pure gratefulness. Lately it's been about experiencing "firsts". We sat in Braums last week and I watched him eat his first ice cream cone with such excitement and I thought, "how lucky am I that I get to be here for this exact moment ." I looked at that blue ice cream all over his nose and cheeks and running down his neck and just appreciated the perfection that he is. I'm experiencing his first steps. He gets so eager that he wants to run. His Pop said months ago that he wasn't going to walk but just run. I think he may have been on to something. He's saying a few words now but completely on his own terms! We can stand at the door for 5 minutes trying to get him to say bye bye and then when I get him in his car seat, on the way home, he decides it's a good time. We took our first trip to the park. He loved sitting on the picnic blanket and watching everything going on around us. He loved the slide. (I realized my butt is a little big for the kiddie slide). We've celebrated his first birthday and gone to a birthday party for a special friend. We had our first photo shoot, and ohhh how I wish I could share these priceless photos with you all. I may be partial, but seriously his baby blues are to die for. I feel that I am experiencing great favor with each and every first. The magnitude of this rocks me to the core.

Even in the "not so great firsts", I am grateful that I am the one that gets to be there FOR him. I am his person. It's such a special position to have been appointed. This is the first time for this momma to experience teething. This has not been so fun. It seems like we catch a break for a few weeks and then bam right back at it. It has been exhausting and I envy all that have told me that teething wasn't so bad for their little ones. Molars have been a whole new hellish experience. I've relied on our village quite a bit lately. I called my mom a few days ago and said "I need you as soon as you're off work!" She later said she could sense the desperation in my voice. In that moment, I WAS desperate. I needed someone else to hold this baby boy while he flailed around. I had spent the whole day doing everything I could think of to try and make him more comfortable, and I was worn smooth out.

As if God was smiling down on us, the next day was full of giggles and cuddles and not a tear shed by either of us over teething. It seems to work that way. Sometimes I'm emotionally exhausted by the whole process, the system, the unknowns. I hate the not knowing. I hate thinking about him leaving and trying not to hope for him to stay...even when that's the hope of my heart. Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, he smiles a smile that shows off all those new teeth...he brings me the farm book for 999th time and crawls into my lap... He giggles or leans in for one of his super sloppy open mouth kisses. He melts my heart in the moments of exhaustion and his love fuels me again and again. I will ALWAYS cherish this season of firsts.

I remember standing around the piano as a little girl while my precious Aunt Norma played and listening to my Papa and his brothers and sisters sing beautiful gospel music. I felt closest to God in those moments. This comes to mind and perfectly expresses where I am in this chapter of my life's story.

Why me Lord 
What have I ever done
To deserve even one
Of the blessings I've known
Why me Lord 
What did I ever do
That was worth love from you
And the kindness you've shown

Walking Out for His Future

As I rocked that sweet baby to sleep tonight I thought about the weight of this walk out. I know that this is one time in my life that I might be able to make a lasting difference in his. My decisions, along with all educators in my state, in the weeks to come will directly affect what kind of education this baby boy will receive. He has 13+ yrs of school ahead of him. I want him to receive the best. The very best our state can offer him.

I have always been a teacher that connected with my students. I listen to their stories about last night's basketball game, try to learn the dances all the cool kids are doing, have lunch with them from time to time, and genuinely try to learn about the things that make them unique and special. With every passing year this becomes harder and harder. I know less about them because there are so many of them sitting in front of me and numbers continue to grow each year. There was a moment earlier this school year when I actually had to look up one of MY student's last name. MY kiddo...how does this happen? I knew in that moment that I knew this class a little less than last year's and even less than the year before. It made me so sad. I jumped on my soapbox and preached to the choir at lunch that day. They know the struggle and we've all been supportive of one another every time things have gotten a little harder in the classroom. These make shift support groups can be found in every school across our state. It's over lunch or in a group chat and although we are grateful to know we aren't alone, we are tired of sitting around and doing NOTHING to change the situation.

You see... here is what I thought about tonight in that dark room where soft lullabies played and stars twinkled on the ceiling. I have no idea how long Baby will be with me. Could be weeks. Could be forever. If he leaves me, I can only pray that God will place people in his life that he will connect with. People that will see the things that make HIM unique and special. Someone who knows his demeanor enough to know when he's angry...or when he's hurting. When I think of these people...I think of his future teachers. Lord please don't let this Baby just be another full desk in a room of 30+. Don't let his needs be overlooked. Whether he's with me or not, He will NEED special people along the way. He will NEED to be reminded that he is enough. He will NEED to be encouraged to break the cycles that have tormented his family. He will NEED HIS TEACHERS!!!

I don't know what will happen in the weeks to come and I will continue to pray about what to do, how to do it, and for the support of our community and state. Tomorrow I will wake up, drive my 14yr old vehicle to school, and do whatever I can to SEE every student that sits before me. I will continue to pray that if God needs me to give one of them a little extra encouragement that I will recognize that. I pray I will never be too busy or overwhelmed with the numbers to stop seeing the hearts. Please pray with me! If ever a time we've needed it... THE TIME IS NOW!