Papa

If you spent any time at all around my Papa and me, then you knew I was his favorite. I know this for sure because he told me all the time. You probably were too. He had a way of making everyone his favorite. His favorite daughter or son in law, his favorite grandbaby, favorite sister, favorite niece or nephew, favorite customer, favorite nurse. The truth is people were his favorite. I have never known anyone as good at people. He enjoyed company. He enjoyed making people laugh. He made your day a little brighter and lighter every time you had the opportunity to visit with him.

I spent the day with him the day he came home from the doctors office when they decided to begin Hospice care. He spent the next couple hours reflecting on his life. He shared some great stories about what life was like as a child and about what a calm and loving person his mother was. I think like most of us would during a scary time, he wanted his mother. He spoke about how hard life was at times and how he and his brothers and sisters helped each other through it. We talked about my Danmama sneaking us grandkids money and him pretending he didn't know...even though he always did. We laughed and cried. After a while he grinned that mischievous Melvin grin and paused. I waited wondering what funny story was coming. He looked at me and said "You know what, I couldn't be more proud of my family." He meant that with all of his heart and in that moment I knew that when God was ready to call him home, I too would be ready.

My Papa worked as hard as anyone. He started out with not much of anything and built a life to be proud of. He was a provider, and a protector. He loved his 3 girls more than anything in the world and they will tell you just how lucky they've always felt that he was their daddy. He spoiled us grandkids just enough and we will tell you for sure that no one got a better Papa than we did. He would say "I would give you $1,000 BUT it would make you too happy!" He loved to tease us. He always had so much fun with us grandkids and great grandkids and I know it's because he never lost his childlike spirit. I've learned so much from him about how working hard for things helps you value them that much more. Up until a month ago he was still working. He never retired. Just a couple days before he passed he was still having conversations about the cars on the lot.

One of my favorite things has always been asking Papa to tell me about his childhood. It was like opening the most interesting history book and uncovering how this man I loved so much became just who he was. My favorite story has always been about him meeting my Danmama. The story goes that they were in a cafe. She got up to play a song on the jukebox and then he used all his change to keep playing that same song over and over. She was so embarrassed she got up and left! He loved her from that day and for the rest of his life. He was such a devoted caretaker during all the years she was sick before her passing, and I never once heard him complain.

My Papa taught me drive. It started out with the few blocks between our house and his. He looked over at me after a couple blocks and said "You're gonna have to pick it up a little. We just got passed by a guy on a bike."  I remember him pulling over in Lawton on the way home from a family reunion and he told me I was driving the rest of the way home. I took over and we approached a curve in the road. I said "Papa, do I need to slow down?" He said "no grandbaby, I usually speed up a little!" That's how he lived his life. He really didn't want to slow down for much of anything.

People say "sorry for your loss" I want to say this. We haven't lost him. We know exactly where he is. I come from a family of believers, and we know, as he would say, when it's our time to pass on to glory, we will see him again.  We also know that even though he is no longer here with us physically, the love and the lessons he gave us will live on forever in our hearts and in the ways we each live our lives. Everything about knowing Melvin Bates was a gain. The laughter, the memories, the unforgettable smile! (Do not be sorry for our loss because we are grateful for our gain. )

Serenity

I don't know that I've ever struggled more to be present in the moment. For weeks now it's like my heart jumps out of my body for safety...serenity...and my brain constantly struggles to try and rationalize it all and put the pieces back into place. I remind myself how important it is not to miss today, worrying about tomorrow. I'm drowning in emotion though.

Everything imaginable about Baby's future seems to be hanging in the balance. Unknown variables in so many areas of my life and so many feelings of uncertainty about what tomorrow will hold. I tell myself all the right things over and over. I tell myself that God has had a hand in everything up to this point and he won't leave me now. I tell myself that God works for the good of those that love him. I tell myself that God has big plans that I can't even comprehend right now. And yet, I fight back the stinging tears constantly. There is a knot resting in my stomach that won't go away. I would do anything to have some answers. Some clarity in the midst of this chaos. I would give up everything I have to know his life will be blessed...that he will always be safe and loved. He is my son. He is my baby. No decision that a judge can make will ever change what's in my heart.

This journey is long. It seems at times that everything is going one way and then it all drastically shifts. It takes your breath away.

I never regret the decision to foster, but I certainly question why God chose me. My heart has been broken over and over again and I keep saying yes I will carry on. He gives me strength when I need it most but right now I need some peace. I feel desperate for a moment to pass by where I actually feel a bit grounded in where my life is headed. I feel desperate to have some confidence in knowing I can face the possibilities should they come.

I am asking for prayers. I am asking my loved ones to flood the gates of heaven with requests on our behalf. Pray for discernment for the judge and all others involved. Pray that love will win.

Just perfect.

I'm a little over two weeks from being two years into this thang. Two whole years and yet I remember it like it was yesterday...sitting in my classroom, one day as the school year was winding down and making the decision to finally say yes to fostering. I remember filling out some online paperwork and thinking oh my gawd...I have to tell my mom what I've just done. I was contacted later that same day. Within a few weeks I had completed my training, paperwork, and home study and had Big and Little. The need is really that great and two years in, I see it clearly. I'm not sure if I considered the big picture or if I just went out on a limb. I know for sure that I really had no idea of what I was actually getting myself into. I know for sure that I had no idea that almost two years later I'd be where I am today...simply for saying "yes I will".  It's so absurd to me that this was the divine time that God wanted to use me for this...really... Like the Fresh Prince, I felt like "my life had been flipped turned upside down". My classroom was completely packed and I was being moved across town to teach in an all new building with almost all new people. I was still only a few years past my divorce and still very much working on ME.

In the midst of all these changes I learned some very valuable lessons. My joy isn't dependent on my current circumstances. My joy comes from a promise that is much greater than I can even comprehend most days. The next year was hard to say the least and this one equally as hard, but I'm starting to reflect on just how God has fulfilled his promises in my life. I thought "God works for the good of those that love Him..." meant that if I was just good enough and prayed just hard enough, that I would get the things that I wanted. I've learned that sometimes that doesn't happen but sometimes...sometimes something better does. And sometimes it doesn't but we then have a testimony that helps bring us closer to those that are also hurting. Those times when things are all wrong are the times we connect the most with others.

My family is full of praying women. This is good. I've asked for an abundance of prayer the past two years. They deliver. Then HE delivers. I had a conversation with my mom after Baby came and I said "Mom, we just have to continue to pray for God's will." She said "Well, I won't because God already knows what I really want so I'm just gonna pray for that!" I pray for that too sometimes.

We are far from knowing exactly what the future holds for Baby and I but I will tell you that in the last month I've learned the true meaning of praying without ceasing. I've rocked that precious baby boy every night and repeatedly prayed for God to intervene on a pending situation. I've driven him to daycare praying that same prayer. I layed in bed night after night whispering those words. I received news yesterday that had me standing in the middle of my classroom bawling tears of joy and unable to even get out words. I'm believing God felt the thank you prayer as each tear fell.

I told my friend today "I honestly believe I couldn't have made a more perfect baby if I had made him myself." His parents made a perfect baby boy. His perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes. The way his ears stick out and how he sticks his bottom teeth out at me and looks like a little bulldog, then laughs because he knows he's funny. When he's on his way to do something that he knows he's not supposed to do, he shakes his head no but keeps a movin'. He loves birds and looks for them every time we go outside. He has a great big temper and really really really always wants his way. We are learning slowly that's not how it works unless of course you're at Lollie and Pop's house. Did I mention I think he's perfect though? His laugh...perfect. His smile is absolutely perfect. The way he flips the pages when we read books...uhm perfect! This is a super fun stage of development when they start to really interact with you. Every day he amazes me with something new he's learned to do. I never saw it coming but I'm "that mom" that thinks everything her kid does is PERFECT! My promise to all of you is that if he stays with me I'll get this into check by the time he's in JH/HS...I won't be trying to tell the coach he needs more time on the court if his basketball skills turn out anything like mine. Seriously though, I just love him. I love everything about him...even on the hardest days. I love him unconditionally.

When we are around people, they say "awww, he calls you momma" Welp, "momma" is his word for when he wants something and apparently I'm usually the person he thinks should deliver. He says momma to the scary burly guy in the grocery store when he just wants to be rescued from the cart. You too can be momma if you show up with a puppy, cookie, or milk! I struggle with "momma". I mean I know that's who I am to him. I'm everything momma is supposed to be, but I have this horrible image of him having to leave me and screaming "momma" as he goes. I know that's what keeps me from it. I still refer to myself as Ms. Amanda for now but he will call me whatever he wants and that is another thing that is perfect to me.

For today my prayers are all thank yous for answered prayers. I'm sure in the next little while I'll have another specific request that God may or may not be ready to grant. I'll pray anyway. I'll hang on to my joy. I'll love this baby boy with all I am and all I have. Our favorite books says "I love you through and through. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too!" Yes I do Baby Boy! 💙

There's a first time for everything...

It's amazing how often I look at my life right now with pure gratefulness. Lately it's been about experiencing "firsts". We sat in Braums last week and I watched him eat his first ice cream cone with such excitement and I thought, "how lucky am I that I get to be here for this exact moment ." I looked at that blue ice cream all over his nose and cheeks and running down his neck and just appreciated the perfection that he is. I'm experiencing his first steps. He gets so eager that he wants to run. His Pop said months ago that he wasn't going to walk but just run. I think he may have been on to something. He's saying a few words now but completely on his own terms! We can stand at the door for 5 minutes trying to get him to say bye bye and then when I get him in his car seat, on the way home, he decides it's a good time. We took our first trip to the park. He loved sitting on the picnic blanket and watching everything going on around us. He loved the slide. (I realized my butt is a little big for the kiddie slide). We've celebrated his first birthday and gone to a birthday party for a special friend. We had our first photo shoot, and ohhh how I wish I could share these priceless photos with you all. I may be partial, but seriously his baby blues are to die for. I feel that I am experiencing great favor with each and every first. The magnitude of this rocks me to the core.

Even in the "not so great firsts", I am grateful that I am the one that gets to be there FOR him. I am his person. It's such a special position to have been appointed. This is the first time for this momma to experience teething. This has not been so fun. It seems like we catch a break for a few weeks and then bam right back at it. It has been exhausting and I envy all that have told me that teething wasn't so bad for their little ones. Molars have been a whole new hellish experience. I've relied on our village quite a bit lately. I called my mom a few days ago and said "I need you as soon as you're off work!" She later said she could sense the desperation in my voice. In that moment, I WAS desperate. I needed someone else to hold this baby boy while he flailed around. I had spent the whole day doing everything I could think of to try and make him more comfortable, and I was worn smooth out.

As if God was smiling down on us, the next day was full of giggles and cuddles and not a tear shed by either of us over teething. It seems to work that way. Sometimes I'm emotionally exhausted by the whole process, the system, the unknowns. I hate the not knowing. I hate thinking about him leaving and trying not to hope for him to stay...even when that's the hope of my heart. Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, he smiles a smile that shows off all those new teeth...he brings me the farm book for 999th time and crawls into my lap... He giggles or leans in for one of his super sloppy open mouth kisses. He melts my heart in the moments of exhaustion and his love fuels me again and again. I will ALWAYS cherish this season of firsts.

I remember standing around the piano as a little girl while my precious Aunt Norma played and listening to my Papa and his brothers and sisters sing beautiful gospel music. I felt closest to God in those moments. This comes to mind and perfectly expresses where I am in this chapter of my life's story.

Why me Lord 
What have I ever done
To deserve even one
Of the blessings I've known
Why me Lord 
What did I ever do
That was worth love from you
And the kindness you've shown

Walking Out for His Future

As I rocked that sweet baby to sleep tonight I thought about the weight of this walk out. I know that this is one time in my life that I might be able to make a lasting difference in his. My decisions, along with all educators in my state, in the weeks to come will directly affect what kind of education this baby boy will receive. He has 13+ yrs of school ahead of him. I want him to receive the best. The very best our state can offer him.

I have always been a teacher that connected with my students. I listen to their stories about last night's basketball game, try to learn the dances all the cool kids are doing, have lunch with them from time to time, and genuinely try to learn about the things that make them unique and special. With every passing year this becomes harder and harder. I know less about them because there are so many of them sitting in front of me and numbers continue to grow each year. There was a moment earlier this school year when I actually had to look up one of MY student's last name. MY kiddo...how does this happen? I knew in that moment that I knew this class a little less than last year's and even less than the year before. It made me so sad. I jumped on my soapbox and preached to the choir at lunch that day. They know the struggle and we've all been supportive of one another every time things have gotten a little harder in the classroom. These make shift support groups can be found in every school across our state. It's over lunch or in a group chat and although we are grateful to know we aren't alone, we are tired of sitting around and doing NOTHING to change the situation.

You see... here is what I thought about tonight in that dark room where soft lullabies played and stars twinkled on the ceiling. I have no idea how long Baby will be with me. Could be weeks. Could be forever. If he leaves me, I can only pray that God will place people in his life that he will connect with. People that will see the things that make HIM unique and special. Someone who knows his demeanor enough to know when he's angry...or when he's hurting. When I think of these people...I think of his future teachers. Lord please don't let this Baby just be another full desk in a room of 30+. Don't let his needs be overlooked. Whether he's with me or not, He will NEED special people along the way. He will NEED to be reminded that he is enough. He will NEED to be encouraged to break the cycles that have tormented his family. He will NEED HIS TEACHERS!!!

I don't know what will happen in the weeks to come and I will continue to pray about what to do, how to do it, and for the support of our community and state. Tomorrow I will wake up, drive my 14yr old vehicle to school, and do whatever I can to SEE every student that sits before me. I will continue to pray that if God needs me to give one of them a little extra encouragement that I will recognize that. I pray I will never be too busy or overwhelmed with the numbers to stop seeing the hearts. Please pray with me! If ever a time we've needed it... THE TIME IS NOW!

Wing It Parenting 101

This lady, who is not my favorite person, asked the most bizarre question I've ever heard in my life. "If you never had any kids of your own, how do you know how to take care of a baby?"

Mothers, why did you not tell me?! Was it like the Matrix where they hook you up to something and fill you with training videos? Or was it tapes you listened to while you slept? Is there a secret society of mothers out there that trade information on a black market? I had no idea that mothers who gave birth already knew how to do this! Here I am over here "wingin it".

We had shots last week. I was totally unprepared for this. I think the excruciating, emotional toll of it all is what ultimately led to the complete and utter breakdown of my immune system last weekend. I was way more traumatized by the experience than he was. I knew I needed to be nervous, well because I'm nervous for me when I have to get a shot. We were talking about several....at once. I asked around and none of the other moms at school wanted to step in for me. This was another clue it might be worse than bad. We arrived only to find out the doctor had a special kind of torture in store. He was also going to draw blood because apparently three needle jabs to the thighs is not enough. Keep in mind this baby's arms are Pillsbury Doughboy thick. He seems to already know the pending doom being that he screams as soon as we lay him back. She jabs and can't find the vein. She moved the needle around for what felt like nothing short of 3 1/2 hours. No luck. I seriously thought, "They'll do it on the next visit...next time it'll be easier..." Nope. No such luck. She said she'd try the other arm. We turn him around and I'm layed across his legs trying to talk to him. I start bawling. Tears and snot and everything involved in an ugly cry. He's screaming and little baby tears are starting to fill his not so little baby Dumbo ears. I briefly thought of just running out. After another 5 1/2 hours she finally got blood. I pick him up and he's trying to hide inside of me. Like he can't get close enough. He's doing the hyperventilating cry. I'm constantly reminding him that I'm not the mean one. Now the shots. Lord help us. This was quick but he is still screaming and I'm still crying. It's over. Thank God. The mean nurse hands him a red lollipop and says "I know mommy probably doesn't let you have these but you earned it." One lick and he stops crying. I'm looking around the room and spot the tissues. I'm wiping my eyes and nose and apologizing for being such a hot mess. They told me I did good. This is humorous. We get to the front desk and they tell me we have to come back in a month for the second round of his flu shot. Seriously. We make it to the car. We've been at the doctor's office for like 9 hours and then I find out it's only been like 35 minutes in reality. Home. Bath. Pajamas. Deep Sleep.

You parents do this every few months for the first year of life? (I'd know the answer to this if they'd have input the training tapes!) There must be support groups. Happy Hour for moms. Something. Geez.

On a sweeter note, this baby has healed the deepest pain in my heart. A place I thought was untouchable. I can only thank God daily for allowing ME to be the one that rocks him to sleep at night. He's everything people love about a baby. His fat rolls go on for days. He has the most precious baby laugh I've ever heard. He loves to be held a little too much. He's working on crawling but seems to prefer the army crawl best. He absolutely loves dogs and chases poor Junebug around in his walker all the time. We now have four cute little teeth and have worked extra hard getting those babies in. Taking a bath brings him great joy and me a wet mess. It's our favorite time of the day.

A couple weeks ago I celebrated my 36th birthday. My aunt always said I'd be a mom by the time I was 36. I am. So far three amazing little boys have made me a mom in all the best and hardest ways. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I look forward to time with family for Thanksgiving tomorrow and this little baby boy that will bring extra joy to us all this year. May we all count our blessings. They are many. 💙❤💙💙

Ohhhh Baby Love

A couple hours in, I looked at my friend and said, "This is crazy!" My eyebrows raised and I sat there staring at this baby. She said, "Yup, It's like the stork came." One minute I'm closing up shop for Fall Break from school, thinking about sleeping in and binging Netflix, and the next minute I've jumped back into mommy hood head first. I've decided that case workers should ALWAYS accompany the drop with a box of tissues. The first 24-48 hours are full of shock, self doubt, happiness, sadness, and a whole other range of emotions for which I don't even have words. There WILL be tears. I looked around my house and still had everything you need to care for a toddler but all of the sudden I had a baby in my arms.

Once again I experienced God's love in unbelievable ways. The next days were full of trips to Walmart and coming home to gifts and more gifts. We had new clothes and hand me downs dropped off, soft blankies, little bibs, lots of toys, and more pajamas than we know what to do with. Apparently I'm not the only one that loves buying pajamas. He's the most stylish sleeper in town, for sure! I kept wondering how in the world can I nest with the baby already on my hip? I wanted to do all of those things that expecting mommies do but I didn't have any time. I wanted to wash and fold all the little socks and find the perfect place to put every toy. I looked at the dust on my ceiling fan and wanted to turn it on in order to ignore the neglected chore, but that seemed TOTALLY unacceptable now because now I had a baby.

I struggled the first few days because everything was a mess and I really like order. This stems from fertility issues and lacking any control whatsoever. I'd also say it heightened in a big way during the chaos of an unraveling marriage and divorce.  I took control of the things I could, including a tidy house. God is funny in this way. He takes these moments to show us what's important. I have learned the last couple weeks that the dishes and laundry will NEVER all be done again. There is always a bottle that needs washed or a bib that needs run through the wash cycle. There are crumbs on the floor and yes even diapers that lay for way too long on the end table because we are busy playing. I look around right now as Baby Love is napping and I see a thousand things that need done. They're not that important. Not as important as watching him sleep...listening to his little snore...adoring how he pokes his little lips out and makes a sucking sound...seeing those occasional smiles while he sleeps and wondering what babies dream about.

I can't lie to you and say that life without Big and Little has been easy. My eyes fill with tears often, and I miss them like I've never missed anyone or anything in my life. Baby Love doesn't fill that void but I've found there's a whole new place in my heart that God made just for him. There's room. He has filled me with new joy and hope. Once again, this is a journey of unknowns. We don't know how long we have together but we have TODAY. SO, today we will work on growing new teeth, we will drool all over Ms. Amanda, we will play in the floor and practice crawling, we will visit Lollie and Pop and cheer on the Sooners, we will nap, we will snuggle, and most importantly we will love.  💙