Happy Mother's Day

As I lay here with Big and Little, watching our 1,000th episode of Dora, the emotions are hard to put into words. The love that I have for these two is unbelievable. Like any mother, I want to give them the world. I want to make the world better for them. I think about and pray for their future. I wake up early on the weekends and play super heroes. I make beds, pick up toys, and wash stinky feet. For almost a year now, I have been their Ms. Amanda.

For so many this is a bitter sweet holiday. Last night I talked with my mom and she shared about the sadness of missing her momma every mother's day. I told her that for so many years now my emotions have been a hot mess on mother's day too. I swing from being overwhelmed with sincere thankfulness that God gave me the mother I have and completely heartbroken that I've never been able to celebrate this day as a mother myself. I think of my Aunt Carol, My Kelly and all the other moms who have lost a child. I can't imagine the struggle to celebrate this day with your other children. To fight through the tears and allow this day to be one of making new memories and not just one of longing, must be the greatest feat. I think about my bestie, Locklin, and know that mother's day must be the sweetest and hardest all in one. Mother's day without your momma just seems unfair. Mother's day without your baby seems unbearable. I know too well the Mother's Day that never comes and the unique pain it holds. Facebook is filled with stories just like ours. Maybe the message is to treasure each day. Maybe the message is hold your babies close. Maybe the message is sharing love on this day and every day. Or maybe the message is simply... YOU are not alone in whatever you are feeling today.

This is my first mother's day with the boys, but it too is bitter sweet. As I checked backpacks on Friday, I see all the little handcrafted goodies. I read the poems with tear filled eyes. The words are precious. The little hands are stamped so that each mommy can remember them just this size. So where's the bitter part?! You see, in my heart, I know that these are not mine. They have a mommy across town and these gifts are hers. THEY are hers as well. What a gift. God gave her the coolest, sweetest, bravest, (sometimes most stubborn) boys in the world. These two are my blessing for a season, and I am grateful for every moment we've had. My heart breaks when I think that next mother's day they most likely won't be running around here in their ninja turtle undies, begging for last night's pizza for breakfast. There is an emptiness in wondering if I will really be allowed to stay in their lives. I remind myself daily not to allow fear of the future to rob me of the joys of today. This is a constant battle brought to the forefront on this special day.

For now I will soak up the sweetness...It's time for french toast, eggs, and orange juice. (With a side of last night's pizza! After all, every ninja turtle needs pizza to carry on!) Happy Mother's Day to each of you. May God bless the days you still have with your loved ones, may He ease the pain you may be feeling today, may He provide memories to each of us that endure.