The Holidays

The holidays have brought with them two extremes...the highs of starting new traditions and the anxieties of wondering if these will actually get the chance to be traditions. I didn't take the leap in to fostering with any expectations. I've said before, I simply opened my home and my heart. God did the rest. I must admit though that this time of year definitely has me in my feelings. I've begun to pray for forever.  More than wondering how I could adjust to life without them, I worry about how they would adjust to life without me. We are thriving with routine and stability. We feel safe and loved and we love our life together. All. of. us.

Big has moved leaps and bounds in school. He honestly has exceeded all my expectations. I was, at one time, sure that a repeat of Kindergarten was in the future. I now realize if he continues to progress as much as he has in the first semester, we could possibly be ready to be a big first grader. I am amazed that the same little guy who was terrorized by nightmares, responded to every frustrating situation with a full on meltdown, acted out aggressively, is now the kiddo that said to me today, "Ms. Amanda, you just have to be patient!" (As I groaned about the car in front of us not moving!) He apologizes with sincerity when he's done wrong. Most of the time he walks himself to take a time out and cool off when he's upset. He knows he has to take a deep breath. He also reminds Little to do the same. His speech is becoming easier to understand and we are learning about boundaries with strangers. There was a time I felt nervous on any outing because of the lack of understanding of personal space with people we don't know or just met. We now move in and out of most appointments or trips to the store with simple reminders about making good choices and respecting others people's space. Don't get me wrong, he's still the type of kid that tells the waiter "I have to go poop!" I am never surprised at anything that comes out of his mouth because I know that at any given time he can and will say something that would embarrass the hell out of any parent. I have learned to laugh as I blush and move right along. He sticks close to me. Lollie and Pop's is probably our favorite place on Earth to visit but you better believe if it's after dark, I'm not getting out the door without Big. He needs the security of knowing I'm going to be there when he goes to sleep and when he wakes. He loves for me to sing to him as I tuck him in at night. (Apparently he's not old enough to realize I am not a great singer!) He loves everything Christmas and has filled this season with magic for all of us. His imagination continues to inspire the child inside me. We laugh and play and continue to treat each day as a new adventure.

Little is not so little anymore. He is simply not okay with me referring to him as my baby. He insists on being called a big boy and rightfully so. We are now potty trained and I can take little to no credit for this. He was ready...plain and simple. Day one went something like this...brand new underwear and a little boy that was afraid to put them on. I kinda had to trick him into them. Pottied twice in underwear and then BAM, potty trained. His words are growing by the day and continues to be an amazing communicator even without being a talker just yet. A new word this week was "home". He says it with such joy. I love that he understands home. Many never get that.  He has this super power to make people fall in love with him. I think it's those baby blues. His teachers adore him and honestly I'm wrapped around his little finger. He inspires a deep love within me. A reminder that love does have healing power.

I still stand in a place where I trust God has a plan and purpose for our lives and that His will alone is greater than my desires but I am only human. As I ponder what Elfie will do his last day with us and mentally prepare for the beautiful chaos that will begin tomorrow, I thank God. I am so thankful that these holidays have been defined by happy, healthy children that are full of Christmas spirit. I am happy that THIS Christmas I will wake to laughter and giggles and more excitement than I can even imagine. I am thankful for each day and reminding myself that all any of us have is TODAY anyway. Merry Christmas from Ms. Amanda, Big and Little. May your holidays be filled with an abundance of love and laughter as well! ❤

Growing

I'm amazed at the growth that can occur in four short months. I mean, our hearts are fuller than we ever could've known they'd be. Even our little 2T and 5T jammies are getting a little snug! I think growth is the word that best defines this season of my life. I stepped into this scared...really scared. God just kept telling me to step. Fear no longer has a major role in this journey. I can't say from time to time I don't have worries, but I have grown into a woman that prays harder than she worries.

I love being a mommy. I'm a different kind of mommy, yes, I am Ms. Amanda. Big asked one day recently "are you my Ms. Amanda mommy?" I had no idea what to say. "I am whatever you want me to be." We play a game of "how much do you love me?" We start with our hands really close together and say "do you love me this much?" We laugh and say "noooooo!" Eventually we get to outstretched arms and say "yesssss, I love you that much!" It's always a set up for a hug, which I can't get enough of.  He's a morning person. I'm am working to solve the mystery of how one sits up in bed every morning with a huge smile. He has at least helped me grow into a person that can pretend to be a morning person. I smile because he smiles. He makes the mornings sweeter. The angels, yes angels, that love and teach this baby each day comment on how he comes in smiling and saying good morning. His actions are a lesson. It teaches us all to step into each day with kindness and optimism. He is a natural protector. Although he can fight with Little in true sibling fashion, he watches over him in such a grown up way. He never let's him get too many steps behind when we walk. He talks to him about being happy on the mornings that he's just not feeling it. He hates for little to have to go to time out and usually says something like "Ms. Amanda, you are making him berry sad!" He is creative...a true child like spirit we all need more of. Some days he is Pacman. Other days he's Spiderman. Most recently he is Maaaario. And he never forgets his sidekick Luigi.  He is curious. Asks as many questions each evening as I answer all day at school. He's all boy. Jumping, rather than stepping, into each day. Life is an adventure for Big.

Little is an old soul. He sits with his legs crossed, sippy cup in hand, watching his Little Einsteins. When he's in the best of moods he claps and shakes his head yes when they ask for his help on their mission. When he's grumpy, he frowns at their questions and shakes his head no. It's pretty hilarious. He watches Big's every move. He watches all of us. He's so observant. He recognizes emotions on a very deep level for his age. He's sympathetic when someone cries. He consoles kids his own age and even me on the couple occasions he's seen me cry.  He raises his eyebrows with a very serious look when Big has a fit and sometimes shakes his head in a way that says "buddy this is unnecessary.." . He has a servants heart. He loves to shadow me as I clean house. He holds the dust pan and toddles back and forth to the trash can to dump it. (Most of it ends up beside the trash can! Lol) He loves to help pick up the laundry that falls as I'm carrying it through the house which is extremely helpful. After he pushes the clothes into the dryer and slams the door shut, he looks at me with a rather accomplished grin. This definitely makes weekend laundry a more pleasant task. He is helpful without being asked. If he ever hears me say I'm looking for something, he springs into action. I think I need to start paying him for finding my keys so often. He is not a morning person. He doesn't enjoy being woke up and this bonds us. He stretches like and old man and let's out a few grunting noises. If looks could kill, I'd be dead every morning around 6:30, Monday through Friday. He definitely doesn't want to be talked to right away unless it's the weekend and he's slept until HE was ready to get up. Most mornings, like me, he's happy once he has had time to wake up and shake off the yuck feeling that comes with being on someone else's time. He is tender. When his feelings are hurt, they are really hurt. He is also tender in the way that he likes to hold my hand when I lay next to him before sleep. He sticks his tiny little perfect fingers between mine and all is right with the world. He pats me to sleep as I pat him to sleep. Sometimes he wins. Life is an observatory for Little.

Me, I'm just over here swinging on the pendulum from "Hot Mess Mommy" to the "Crust Was Already Cut Off His Sandwich Mommy". Some days I magically get us all bathed and in fresh pj's, lunches prepared and ready for the next day, clothes layed out next to backpacks, and everyone in bed at a very decent time. Other days, nothing is ready and so I throw a lunchable into the Ninja Turtle lunch box on top of whatever was left in there from yesterday, grab some pants out of the floor and do the sniff and spot check, run around looking for my keys and fly out the door with my hair on fire. I am the mom that even after 2 1/2 months of school, still hasn't managed to remember to bring home a pencil for Big's homework. Yes, we do our homework with crayons. I kinda think it's prettier anyways! I sometimes remember to keep some wipes and diapers in the car in a nice little bag to use as needed. Other times I'm licking my thumb to wipe their faces so we look presentable enough for public. I've dug in the back of my car and prayed for a stray unused diaper a time or two. I don't sleep like I used to. I say the spirit of my sweet, overly anxious Grandma Genelle wakes me up at least a couple times a night to go in and check on the boys. I'm not sure why this is necessary being that at least one of them, if not both, make their way into my bedroom nightly to let me know they are alive and well. I think I'm lucky it all worked out this way. I was at a place in my life and had waited long enough to be a mommy, that I truly am able to appreciate it all. I'm able to realize that it is super okay to not have it all together all the time. It's more about taking the time to notice the little things. To absorb them and let them become a part of who you are growing to be. It's fun. It's crazy. It's everything I thought it would be and more. I love Big and Little to the moon.

At this stage in our journey, my greatest prayer is that God will always make a way for them to stay together. They are a team and it is evident how much they need each other. I ask now that you join me in this prayer. God has a plan and a purpose for their lives. My intention is to always be a part and I pray but have no way of knowing if this will be able to happen. I know that if I can't always be around, I just hope they have each other. Mario and Luigi. Spiderman and Batman. Brothers til the end. 💙💙❤

What if LOVE really is enough...

I'm exhausted....Truly exhausted. Physically and emotionally. I'm also blessed and I never forget that. We have started praying at morning dropoff and it's unbelievably precious. We hold hands and close our eyes but we all peek a little. I know this because I peek a little. Our prayer is always similar, "God watch over the boys and bless their teachers and everyone else who looks after them during their day. Help us to remember to be nice to others and bring us back safely together at the end of the day. In Jesus name...Amen!" This morning, Big says "OK, now let me do it!" He mostly mumbled but I heard teachers and nice so I'm pretty sure he gets the idea! The first couple weeks of school, I was spinning. I couldn't get the boys dropped off fast enough because all I could think of was all the things I needed to do to get ready for the next 27 kiddos that were depending on me that day. One morning this week, God said "Slow down. Take the time to invite me into your day."

This journey has been HARD. And by hard, I mean I have looked at my bank account a few times and wondered if I could run away from home. I'm cool with surviving on an island with coconuts and bananas if it meant that I didn't have to be responsible anymore. I mean really Lollie and Pop are kinda awesome and if I disappear then I know they could handle it. God gently reminds me that he needs me HERE. Here to simply love. He didn't ask me to be perfect or to even make it look pretty. He just asked me to open my heart and love. There have been days that that I lay in bed and think wow I kicked ass at "momming" today and there are also days that I feel totally defeated. I just ask myself in both scenarios if I remembered to love...the answer is always yes. So, I suppose I'm doing it right even when it feels like I've done it all wrong.

I've been wanting to write, what feels like a million times in the past couple months, but sleep always wins. I'm telling ya, I'm exhausted. Our days are full of school and therapies and more therapies, and scheduled visits, and as much routine as I can provide. We try to always find time to talk about our days, and go over our school work. I do some pretty goofy dances about the Kindergartener following directions and completing his work correctly. These papers immediately go to the fridge. I repeat the same word over and over and over in hopes to develop speech with little. We high five for standing in front of the toilet...even when no pee pee comes out. I've gained a truly special admiration for all you mommas out there. This summer I got to experience being a stay at home mommy. Wow, that was exhausting. I always felt pressured to keep up with EVERYTHING. Laundry couldn't get behind and dishes had to be washed. I felt obligated to cook. Now that I'm back to work I am so empathetic to the working mommy who has to juggle both. I'm looking in the drawers like "Yeah we have socks and underwear to last til the weekend...no laundry tonight!" "You want that other half of your peanut butter sandwich in your lunch box for dinner?...fantastic!" Big shout out to the single moms who just want to go to Walmart alone. The struggle is real. Keep on keepin on mommas. You're doing great if they're alive and loved!

I wake up with little feet in my face. I have no idea how it happens. I share my home with two Houdini's. I'm sound asleep stretched out in my bed big bed and next thing I know, I'm being smothered by two kiddos and a dog. No one tells you these things. First time I woke up at 3am with a child staring me in the face, standing next to my bed, I screamed. I've gotten more brave. I'm pretty sure the boogie man could come cuddle at this point and I would even know it.

This has been life changing and beautiful. I have gained so much perspective and grown so much as a person in the past few months. Many ask me "How will you let them go when that time comes?" To you, I say  "I will never let them go. They are a part of the beautiful tapestry of my life. They are a part of me and my story as I am of theirs. They have changed me for the better. They will forever be in my heart no matter the time or distance that could possibly separate us. I will never let them go!"

Mommyhood the Foster Way

So I've been a mommy for 5 days, not a birth mommy, but a foster mommy, which requires the same skill set. I felt like I wanted to share a few things I've learned in past 5 days. Please do not get too tickled! It's been an interesting start! ..(I plan to make this somewhat brief...I really should sleep when they sleep!) Here goes...

1. I must seize the opportunity to sleep when they sleep. 😴
2. Reading bedtime stories is the best!
3. Laundry never ever ever ends and neither do the dishes.🔄
4. Modern cartoons suck and no matter how hard I try they are not going old school with me. 😒
5. Black vomit stinks really bad and creates more laundry. 😷
6. I can mow the grass in the dark and after each round, burn more calories by running inside to make sure everyone is still sound asleep.💪
7. It is possible for a toddler to poop all the way to their ankle...again creating more laundry. 💩
8. Having helpers with early morning watering of the flowers is awesome! 🌻
9. Dancing and singing to toddler tunes is lots of fun! 🎶
10. I never knew that something SO challenging could also be so rewarding! ( wait a minute, I'm a teacher...I already knew that one!) 😉

We can never have enough prayers! Keep em coming. Love to all!

Walk of Faith

For the past two years I've been called to take a walk of faith. I've negotiated, bargained, and flat out argued with God. If you didn't know, He's a bit persistent when He has a call for our lives. Someone recently told me that "faith" is the bridge between where we are and where God wants us to be. I have finally come to a place where I'm absolutely terrified but taking those first steps anyway. Within a week or so, I will be certified to begin foster care.

The scariest part is the unbelievable amount of "unknowns". My 4yr old cousin asked the most precious question the other day. We told him that I was going to be a foster mom and that kids would be coming to live at my house. He replied with "Well what are you gonna name em?"  This question along with many others I've been asked in the past few weeks makes me realize I HAVE NO IDEA! I don't know their names, ages, or gender....I don't know if they like peanut butter, watching movies, or if they'll like walking the dogs. Honestly, the only thing I know is that they'll be children....children that need a safe place to grow and experience love.

I'm not certain why I was called to this, but as I begin walking in faith, across that bridge, I know that my God and what awaits me on the other side is greater than any fear I have.

Part of my Journey...Infertility & Peace

 

                             
     I have probably spent more time in my adult life dealing with the emotional, physical, psychological and financial aspects of infertility than any other 10 issues combined and yet it is a topic I've discussed with such a select few. I am going to take the time to share some of what I've learned in the past 9 years.  I am sharing this for starters because I think there is so very little put out there about the emotional aspects of infertility and therfore the women that face these issues end up feeling terribly alone.

Today as I scrolled through my Timehop I was faced with the realization that 5 years ago I faced a major operation(this was the 2nd of 4), filled with more hope than I had ever imagined. I was married to the man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with and what we wanted more than anything was to start our family. I came out of that surgery and the doctor said I had the same chance as the next gal now. I can't tell you how much money I spent peeing on ovulation sticks or pregnancy tests...I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep, or even how angry I was that the hospital bills kept coming but the baby did not. I can't tell you how much strain it put on our marriage and despite many other things, I still feel that this was the beginning of how my marriage began to unravel. I can not begin to express the heartache I felt while attending each and every baby shower over the years or shopping to put together the perfect presents for my friends and families little bundles of joy. But I can tell you a little about MY journey and how I got to where I am today.

For starters, the greatest of all, in my walk, are the friendships that have carried me through the different seasons I've faced.  Other than my dear mother, who has been such a champ, no one has been there with me through it all. I must say though,  God truly has given me exactly what I needed to make it through each part of the journey thus far.  I've had friends to just hold my hand, share a bottle of whiskey, bring food after a surgery, or listen on the other end of the phone as I tried to put the heartache I was feeling into words. I have had precious friends to encourage and pray for me and also friends who were facing the very same issues that I was facing. I've seen these same women receive their blessing and this, in many cases, has given me hope.

Here's my public service announcement... I also think that those of you who feel you are trying to be helpful to your friend or family member facing fertility issues actually end up saying all the wrong things! (It's not your fault though!)  So, my advice to each of you, stop trying to say the right thing, give the right advice, share someone else's success story, or tell someone how to feel. Just be there.. Listen, let them cry, call and check on them and ALWAYS pray for them.

One of the very hardest things about being 33 and not having any kiddos is the fact that it's changed some of my greatest friendships. When you don't have little ones, your friends with kids kind of just forget you. (I do NOT mean ALL!) I don't think they mean to. .. it just happens.  You're not exactly the one that comes to mind as they plan that day at the lake or bowling alley. When your girlfriend decides it's beautiful weather and a great day to hit up the park she flips through her brain file of her friends with kids.  Mother's connect with mothers... A common bond over teething,  formula,  diaper brands, and daycare. A bond that turns into t-ball and gymnastics and will continue with each passing stage. It's the way it is and I've come to accept it but I think it's sad and unfair.  I not only miss out on motherhood because I'm infertile...I also miss out on the friendships bonded in motherhood. I sat at lunch a while back with some friends, one of which is a grandma. The discussion went to how being a grandparent is the greatest thing in the world! (And from what I can see in my parents the past year and a half this seems to be absolutely true.) She made a comment that she instantly wished she could take back. I know this because it was written all over her face. I had said "my parents are absolutely crazy about my nephew. It sure seems like being a grandparent must be where its at!"  She responded with "you just wait, you'll understand some day!" The awkward silence lasted only a moment before someone else chimed in with a baby story. These are the moments I hate the most. The pity moments. I stood in the parking lot one day with a precious friend who cried so hard she could barely get the words out to tell me she was expecting. She said she had been so worried to tell me. I truly felt joy for her. I ended up somewhat consoling her in that moment. Now don't get me wrong, my own pain was not absent but by the grace of God I was able to rejoice in my friend's blessing! I have countless stories of friends and even family that just didn't know how to break it to me... so I usually end up being the last to know. So for anyone reading this...don't try to "protect" your barren friend from something you don't think they can handle. Just understand that their pain will walk alongside the joy they feel for you. They can handle it...they will handle it...they have handled it and will continue to do so!

I can though tell you where I am today. I am at a place of peace. I don't know how or when it exactly happened. I suppose it came in pieces along the journey. Reconnecting with my first love and building a friendship that I simply can't explain... Sitting in front of a new group of students every year and knowing that I am fully available to them because my heart isn't left at home with a baby I so wish to be putting down for a nap. Maybe the peace came a little at a time when I cried out my heart to God or maybe even on the occasion that I cussed him...or maybe during the soft smile I gave at a baby shower as I fought back tears. I don't even know how it's possible to experience peace in the midst of pain...but here I am.